Hi! Thanks for the request. I've only got a few minutes, but I'll try and be as helpful as possible. First off, I'm just going to point out the few nit-picky things that IcyFlame didn't get to.
There should be a question mark at the end of this, and possibly a comma after "loved me."I know she loved me but what is the essence of love if you can keep it burning just like a candle keeps burning.
This sounds a little awkward to me. I'd change it to either "...clutching something firmly in her scrawny hands" or "...firmly clutching something in her scrawny hands." But it's just a matter of opinion, really. It's up to you.She was crying, clutching firmly something in her scrawny hands.
You're jumping all around with your tenses here! O.o It's rather confusing--is the story in present tense or past tense? I'll talk more about this a bit later on.A year had gone by since my divorce with my ex-wife. Since the divorce, strangely, the tables were turned to my once worthless life. Now I have a job and it pays decently!
I'm not sure I understand this imagery. How can eyelids thump? >.<Her cheeks were swollen; her eyelids were thumping just like a man thumps on the ground in anger; her eyes were blood shot from weeping; her arms were filled with scratches pulsating from her fingers to her elbow.
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All in all, I liked this. The plot itself isn't particularly spectacular--it's sort of like a fable, actually. A little story with a moral. But the way you have written makes it very fresh. I like the way that you've told it because rather than try to make the plot into something more than it is, you've written it in such a way as to capitalize on its simplicity and make the most out of it. You have just enough emotion and detail to tell the story effectively, but not so much as to distract from your message. It is a simple piece, but elegantly done.
My biggest issue with it is the tenses, like I mentioned above. I'm a little unsure how you're telling the story--is it present tense ("I am doing this") or past tense ("I did this")? I think how you're doing it is sort of having it be the narrator talking in present tense about something that happened in the past, am I right? That's okay, but it just makes things a bit confusing. Take this for example:
I've put all the past tense bits in blue and all the present tense bits in red--see how much you're hopping around? I think it's technically you're not doing anything wrong, but it gets a little confusing. Especially when you switch scenes:I #FF0000 ">know she #0000FF ">didn’t complain but I #0000FF ">saw it in her eyes, her bottomless eyes. I #0000FF ">saw the sadness she carried; knowing with every passing day #4000FF ">was a life in misery, pain and poverty. I just #FF0000 ">hope the worst #FF0000 ">doesn’t happen.
It's almost like these are journal entries or something. Is this supposed to sound like it's being told to us by the main character at one set time? Or is it supposed to sound like entries in his diary, written that night about things that happened that day? You need to decide on one vantage point and stick to it. I'm not sure if I'm making sense with this, so please feel free to PM me or post on my wall if you want me to go over it more with you.I just hope the worst doesn’t happen.
......
Guess what? The worst happened.
Other than that, though, I think you've done a very nice job. It was fun to read--you have a refreshing style. I have to go now, but let me know if you have any questions or anything!
I hop this helps.
a
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