Published April 6, 2009
"Tell me what you see."
God. I hate that line. That and, "And how does that make you feel?"
How does it make me feel? I can't close my eyes without seeing blood. How do you think that makes me feel? He puts his pen down with a sigh and takes his glasses off to rub his eyes, like he's stressed out.
"If you don't cooperate with me, we are never going to get anywhere, you know."
Like he cares. As long as he gets that big fat check in the mail every month, he doesn't give a crap whether I cooperate with him or not.
"Look, can you just prescribe some pills so I can get some sleep?'
Since you aren't doing anything else constructive for me.
"I told you already," he says slowly, like I wouldn't understand if he spoke like a normal human being, "medication won't solve your problems, it will only cover them up. Like air freshener, it doesn't get rid of that stinky smell, it just masks it."
So freakin' condescending. Like I give a damn about his air freshener or his stupid analogies.
My stomach turns.
I can smell the coppery scent of blood.
It's all around me.
I look down.
Oh, God...
No!
I didn't do it!
Close your damn eyes!
Stop judging me! Stop-
"Hey! Are you even listening to me?"
Damn it... I dozed off again. It happens all the time, since I won't let myself get any decent sleep. When I sleep, I see things... I wipe some sweat off of my forehead. The jackass is still talking, so I respond.
"Look! I don't feel like talking about it, okay?"
He blinks. Stands up.
"Then," dramatic pause, "I'm afraid we have nothing left to discuss for today."
Prick.
He turns around and walks out. The door swings shut behind him with a clang that echoes down the corridor. I listen to his steps and the wardens until they have completely faded away. And I am left in my cell all alone.
Nothing but me and my nightmares.
The coppery smell of the blood.
And those eyes.
Those eyes like dead fish have...
Close your damn eyes!
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,337 Reviews
such a song of the mind. a visual representation of the inner soul of the human body. I loved it. couldn't do better myself.
Hey
This was going great. So where's the rest of it???
You have created a strong MC who is in an interesting situation, but what is it? Why can she smell blood and why is she trying to see someone?
Keep writing and I'm sure this will turn out brilliant.
that was a cool little story. pretty koo pretty koo. write more!!
Hey =]
Wow - I love your characters attitude. It's nice to see a character with real gusto. It makes you MC seem a lot more realistic.
I'm intrigued to find out what's giving her the nightmares. It sounds kind of creepy, whatever it is.
The grammar mistakes seem to have been pointed out and fixed, so I won't bother to try and hunt down more nit-piks.
All I can say is that you could maybe add in a bit more description on her surroundings. The setting seems a bit invisible at the moment, so imagery will really add to the brilliance of your story.
Keep writing - I'm looking forward to the next part!
xDudettex
I noticed this on the front page and felt compelled to read it in full from the first line.
The language for your main character is strong and resilient, and rather stubborn as well! A great mix I must say, especially when you're dealing with doctors *grins*
And apart from the punctuation which Music Lover has pointed out for you, I think this is a really intriguing beginning. I do hope you'll continue it!
Ariani
Hello, darling! I'm Music.
Grammar:
Language Usage: It was pretty well written. A little jumpy and choppy every now and then, but, heck, that could be what you're going for. I edited the "close your eyes" part because the caps irked me. Haha. It's your story, so you don't necessarily have to have it that way; just a suggestion.
Imagery & Emotion: I think you did well in this department! I liked how you described the scent. Things like that. The emotion was apparent enough.
Plot: I liked the idea. As above, I'm wondering if you're continuing or not. I think it could go either way.
Good job!
Love,
Music
Hello
Well firstly I was wondering whether you're going to continue with this? Because if you weren't planning to then I think you really should because I want to know what's going on!
I liked this a lot. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes or anything like that and I don't really have much to say because I would say expand on it and all the rest, but I'm assuming that it doesn't end here.
Please PM if you post the next part I'd love to read it and maybe I will have something a little more helpful to say
Sofi.