It was dark, about 9:30, on a Wednesday night. My mom and I were driving home from a late movie and the radio was cranking high and loud. We were both singing, me with my need-to-be-known voice and my mom with her I'm-a-mom voice. But we were perfect together.
A new song started up and I loved it. It was a popular hit and soon I was lost deep with the tune. My eyes slipped closed as a high note sprang up. I sang along perfectly, like the song was made for me alone. We were rounding a corner on a dark, country road and everything seemed perfect... at least for that second.
One minute everything seemed to stand still. My eyes were shut just lightly, the best song was playing, my mom and I had had a great night together and everything was peaceful. But that was one minute ago. Now, this was the present.
It's so weird how one little thing could completely change everything in only a single minutes time. And as we rounded that bend, that horrifying corner where anything could we awaiting us, the last seconds of my life were never seen. I had closed my eyes as the high pitch came up and that was the last tone, the death song, of my life.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Howdy there,
First review so bare with me.
Ok, so honestly I quite enjoyed it, although unfortunately short you seem to have established some character with the speakers 'need-to-be-known voice' which contrasts nicely with the mum who sings, well, because she's a mum. That's how they roll
I also like how your descriptions of the environment in the initial two paragraphs created foreboding in preparation for the conclusion.
If I had to nitpick it would be the references to time such as 'that was one minute ago', seemed unnecessarily precise, it threw me off just a bit.
Regardless an enjoyable read.
Lewis
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
So, I thought that this was a great story. However it was so short. Another problem I had was that you seemed to dwell on one place and then you went back and forth until you confused the whole situation. I will make a little translation,
This part right here, you had already mentioned that the MC was listening to a great song in the previous paragraph, repeating it was just not necessary. You also repeated how perfect the MC and the mom were before. Maybe you could incorporate this paragraph with the previous one because you basically mention the same thing and maybe make the build up towards the accident a bit more dramatic.
I loved this part very much, the way you described the love for the song, very good. The ending of the story (emphasis on the last lines) was very sad how everything went from enjoying the song to death. You did a good job on emphasizing how everything can change in a split second.
Keep writing. Looking forward to seeing more of your submissions
Ooh, I can't wait to see what you do with this! And a nice short excerpt too...
Only thing is that in the last paragraph you have put "minutes" rather than "minute's". That would probably be the only thing I have to say!
Eagerly awaiting more,
Txx
So, before I say anything, because you are new, Welcome to YWS! You've probably been welcomed already, if not, I suggest you head to the Welcome Mat under Community forums. Anyway, let's talk about your post.
I liked it, especially with the metaphor at the end, or whatever it's called. You have great grammar and spelling, which is always a joy for reviewers
I don't have much to say, except maybe break down a few sentences. A variation always make the short story more interesting, like the rhythm of a poem. In fact, sentences are the rhythm in a story.
Overall, very nice piece. I look forward to reading more of your posts
Lavvi