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Young Writers Society



The stars in their eyes

by Teddybear


“They have the stars in their eyes,” the old man whispered in the quiet hours of the night, when the pub was nearly empty and the ticking of the old clock on the wall was louder then the few patrons who gathered around him.

“They move so gracefully, like dancers,” he continues, taking a sip of his drink and hunching back over the worn surface of the table.

“How do you know you weren’t just dreaming?” one of the listeners asks loudly.

Dark, weary eyes stare up at the man, and the low rumble of the old man's voice answers with a memory behind his words, “A pact.”

The speaker, no longer willing to listen, scoffs, “Okay old man, whatever you say.” He chugs down his drink, golden liquid running down his chin in streams of wasted words.

The old man watches him for a moment longer, then lets his gaze droop down into his cup as he returns to the memories of his youth, “They all wore crowns. Some of them were all flowers and leaves and grass, some gold or silver, or jewels, or gems. There was this feeling in the air, like a kind of buzzing that you don’t want to go away,” the man seems to grow younger even as he speaks, with every sentence his wrinkles smooth, his energy returns.

And then, as suddenly as it came, the old man’s new youth faded away, “They took me to their capitol building. Like a castle, but everyone lives there. They don’t have a leader, but one of them took charge. We made a pact. I say nothing, for the rest of my days about what I saw that day or…” he trails off, an aching sort of pain in his voice, but also a resignation.

His audience of two now, for the speaker had left in his impatience and disbelief, unknowingly held their breaths as they wondered painfully if what they thought he was going to say would leave his cracked lips next.

Removing himself from his memory, the man finished his statement. Once the words were in the air, they stayed there. Heavy on the slouching shoulders of the old man and painful to the ears of the two listeners who had developed a sort of companionship with the man, the words trapped them there.

Finally, the silence was broken.

“That’s correct,” says a girls voice from the center of the bar.

The figure to whom it belonged wore a crown of flowers over her short brown hair that framed her ageless face. The stars were in her eyes.

The old man’s bottom lip quivered, but his voice was steady, “You haven’t aged a day.”

The girl’s lips briefly twitched into a smile, then returned to a resolute line, “You’ve aged many.”

The man laughed, a painful sound punctuated by a tear dripping off his eyelashes, “Do I have to leave now?”

The girl walked forward, her lace skirt swirling the shadows like smoke, “We can wait for tomorrow.”

Suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, they were alone in the old pub with stories filling the air between them and memories saturating their thoughts.

But the sun could not be delayed.

And the pact could not be broken.

So the old man’s body dropped onto the table, his soul gone not by the hand of the reaper, but the by hand of a friend who hadn’t aged a day with the stars in her eyes.


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Tue Jan 21, 2020 2:02 am
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#1ofdqpostles says...



I loved this story..... I must say that you have a clear sense of 'story writing'. I loved the way you told story and not just describing the events. The patience of the old man and your metaphors are amazing.
Please keep writing!!!!




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Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:08 am
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lamorte13 says...



I absolutely looooove the succinct way you wrote this story and how much information you managed to get in without sounding like you were info-dumping. You made it very clear that this man is very fond of these memories and of the people/beings he encountered, and how happy he was to see the girl again, after however many years.
One thing I would say is that some of your sentences run on a little, but otherwise, this is a solidly written story, and a sweet one at that, and it left me with a lot of questions but in the best way.




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Thu May 02, 2019 5:23 am
Tawsif wrote a review...



I liked reading this story. Good job!

Let's get to the review.

I was fascinated by all the speeches of the old man. You portrayed his emotions about the memories quite brilliantly.

“They all wore crowns. Some of them were all flowers and leaves and grass, some gold or silver, or jewels, or gems. There was this feeling in the air, like a kind of buzzing that you don’t want to go away,”

I like this description.

I only have one question. If the pact of secrecy was made, why did the old man tell about them in the pub? Please let me know.

Overall, it was an enjoyable story. Keep writing.




Teddybear says...


His encounter with the creatures happened years ago, and, as you can see, he considers it one of the best things to ever happen to him. Would you be able to keep a secret like that forever? Especially if you knew that there was a chance you would see one of those things again before you died?

I would wager a guess that you couldn't.



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Sun Apr 28, 2019 12:04 am
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is a really well-written short story! I feel like the entire idea was a little mysterious... and I found myself asking questions like, what memory was this man referring to? Who was this girl? After reading this, it conveyed a deep story that clearly meant so much to this man. I could feel the emotions conveyed from this... and it's just overall really well done. There can be so many meanings to the words "stars in their eyes", and I like how it's left hanging like that. This really gets us, readers, to wonder and interpret the deeper meaning behind this short story. Even with this man not finishing his memory... this also gives readers the chance to question and think about what this could mean.

I don't really have anything to point out about any of the lines... it was all just really nicely done! You are a talented writer, and I hope to read more beautiful work done by you!

Keep Writing :)




Teddybear says...


Thanks!



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Sat Apr 27, 2019 10:16 pm
NaomiPeppurrcorn says...



I love how descriptive your writing is. Your word choice is really beautiful




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Fri Apr 26, 2019 5:31 pm
Blairwood says...



This is super cool. I reminds me of Dear Evan Hansen for some reason. Like the part where Evan Hansen says "We start with stars in our eyes!" Its so petty and makes people feel the emotions in the story You need to keep writing stuff like this its super awesome.

“Read, read, read. Read everything -- trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it.
Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window.”
― William Faulkner





The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest