Obsessing
Not regretting
All those moments
In that evening
When we flirted
And we skirted
Over childhood
Food
And
Interests
Just to speed through
The procedures
To the juncture
We'd been seeking
To the hour
Of sneaking kisses
Furtive glances
All around us
Just to check
We were still hidden
In the shadows
Of the kitchen
To be sure
That straying hands
And rash embraces
Which we stole
In all those places
Weren't discovered
By the others
Ignorant (or so we hoped)
Of what we did
While you were sleeping
Next door to us
When we gazed
With blurry vision
Didn't talk much
Just relaxed with
Such abandon
Didn't care
About the morning
What came next
Had no existence
All we knew was
The clock ticking
And we only had
That evening.
My first try...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ah, the teen years....yes, I have been in a situation like the one described....good times, good times. The poem (if I may call it so?) is somewhat disjointed, as if you were remembering sensations and images rather than a continuous whole. However, I am NOT going to say that is a bad thing. (Though the line that read simply "Food" was annoyingly humorous; it seemed like what you'd see if you could look into the mind of my brother.) Overall a good little poem/writing/stream-of-consciousness/thing.
Hm... I thought this was good. But I hate to say it was a tad hard to read with the way it was written. Don't get me wrong, this was very good! And I like it alot, but in my opinoin, the formating ruins it a little....
There are a few followers to the first poem; here's the next.
Confusion,
Runs around my head,
Holds me hostage,
Won't give up the
Relentless stream of different dreams
Like black and white
Romantic films.
Is it real,
This fluttering feeling?
Heart throbs, head pounds,
Are these the signs,
The sights,
The sounds,
Does my head spin from memories
Or put a spin on the memories?
I took the apple,
Bit off more than I could chew,
Screw the clichés,
This is about you,
I'm falling fast, hard,
Waiting to hit the ground,
Need to hit it,
Not running but with a thud,
Knock some sense back in.
You stole mine with a kiss,
Stomach flips,
I need it back,
Legs tremble
When I remember
What you said,
Shouldn't have said.
I should leave you be,
But it's too late,
You charmed me and won
And I cannot let go.
I'm knotted,
Pulled tight,
No way out,
And my constant clawing for an answer
Simply makes this harder
And entangles me further.
Too many things holding me back,
Weighing us down,
Her, unwanted, far away,
But you won't act,
Him, who'd feel betrayed,
A leg up, awkward, a fool.
Your face, my thoughts,
Cloud my conscience,
I can't see,
Tumbling,
Still falling,
Waiting to understand
What to do
About what I want
But just can't have,
How to unravel
This puzzle
Of you.
When I wrote this, the feelings were too raw to title the poem. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Hey, thanks for commenting! Yeh, the no punctuaion thing seems a bit wierd at first, but it's to highlight the rushed, frantic feelings of the narrator. Glad you enjoyed it!
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
).
Hmm, I like this; it's very different from what I see all the time. It's like one long sentence though, there were no commas, no full stops (no breathing
Anyways, besides all that, I just loved the general flow of the poem and the building up of events until the end. Good job
I loved this part the most.
Keep writing. Looking forward to seeing more of your submissions