N/A

ok, so the story line, well to be honest there hasn't been much of a story line that i can criticize, i don't mean that in a bad way, the story isn't boring or anything it's just this developing relationship between Velton and Adala is pretty much everything right know, thats good and where ever you go with that is obviously up to you.
My main problem with this is the way you write, i know that sounds harsh, part of it is what was mentioned in you previous piece, how you write something twice like "like i went down to breakfast to eat" which doesn't need saying, that was just a made up example bty. The other part though is that there isn't enough stuff through the characters eyes, you have an chance here, especially in first person, to allow us to know exactly what Adala is feeling at every moment and your problem should be too much feeling not too little. Instead it occasionally reads like a recipe, a recipe for a good story maybe, but it needs that extra bit that little something to actually make it raise off the page and grab us by the heart and make us care about the characters. Right know i would read the story (a good thing) but i would not remember it (not so good). Thats not what anyone want's so my advice would be to ramp up the emotion, not to a stupid hight, to give us someone to care about, right now Adala is little blank as a character.
Sorry if this review sounds a bit harsh but everything i said in the last one still stands as well. I did try and review story, character and the way you write in the last critique and i have also done tried to in this one, because thats the type f review i want so i hope it helps.
PS: I had read this anyway just not critiqued so the greatest compliment i can give is that i actually wanted to read on and did