N/A

Hi again! First off, I think you did another great job. There were only a few things I noticed and most of those were talked about GryphonFledgling so sorry if this isn't going to be the best of criticisms.


First:

I grabbed the large empty bag I would need to put my textbooks in and made my way down the stairs to the breakfast room. The large room with long vertical rows of tables for all the students to eat at, I looked up at the ceiling, which had intricate designs painted by some famous artist from a hundred years ago, I couldn’t remember who. I spotted the long horizontal row of rolling tables, more like carts, that had the breakfast food I needed to start my day.

This whole paragraph seems a bit awkward to me. You put in excess information that the readers could figure out for themselves and it makes your sentences longer than necessary. For example, the first sentence, "I grabbed the large empty bag I would need to put my textbooks in and made my way down the stairs to the breakfast room." would flow a lot better to me if it were more like "I grabbed my large empty school bag and made my way down the stairs to the breakfast room." As for the second sentence, split it up. It's too long and takes away from your otherwise great description of the room. Try making it more along the lines of "As I entered the large room, filled with long vertical tables for the students to eat at, I looked up at my favorite part; the ceiling. It was covered in beautiful, intricate designs painted by a famous artist—I couldn’t remember who—from a hundred years ago.”

Second:

When I arrived everyone else had just gotten started. I hurriedly ate[s] to eat a[/s] breakfast, then looked at my schedule one last time.

Again, shorten it up a bit.

Third:

[s]Behind me in the halls[/s] I heard the other students walking behind me and I quickly entered Professor Velten’s classroom. I [s]and[/s] took the seat closest to the door, sitting down hastily so I wouldn’t get in anyone’s way.

Be careful not to repeat yourself. It's a problem I usually have so I know how hard it can be to overlook it :3

Overall:
I think you did an excellent job. Aside from a few other things that shared the same problems I mentioned earlier, I couldn't find that many faults in your writing. I love the way you describe things and I think that your story has a lot of potential. Sorry if this was too harsh ^^; PM me if you ever want another review!

GryphonFledgling wrote:
What time period is this supposed to be set in, exactly? I was thinking modern era, but they seem to be employing archaic technology (sundials, quills, etc.) Is there are reason for this? As is, I am picking up a very heavy "Harry Potter" vibe from this story (what with the boarding school, quills, and magic classes). Obviously it's not the same, considering Hogwarts was a school for magic, whereas magic seems to be an elective in your school.

I'm trying to AVOID the Harry Potter thing as much as possible. Darn It. Whenever someone sees the word quill harry potter comes to mind now. When I see quill I think old century form of writing before the ball point pen

I made it sort of a mix of modern language and a late 1800's feel of the world without technology or anything like that.

And I made it sort of slow at the beginning on purpose just to give a sort of feel for what she goes through every day, so I can avoid it in future parts.

I'm a little confused... Is this the second part of your story? Then what is the other "Professor" bit you have on here? Numbers in your title might be a good idea so the reader will get the bits in the proper sequence.

...groaning as the light hit my eyes as it tried to wake me up.

Awkwardly worded. "...groaning as the light hit my eyes in an attempt to wake me up."

But slowly my mind called my memories to order. I then leapt out of my bed, remembering what day it was.

I'd combine these two sentences for better flow. As is, it feels kind of choppy.
"But slowly my mind called my memories to order and I leaped out out bed, remembering what day it was."

The little griffin with a sword in its beak stitching on the left corner of my shirt poked out at me, the griffin was in a fancy number six to represent my year.

Yay for griffins! This sentence was a little confusing and could probably be chopped up a bit to work better.

"The embroidery stitched in the left corner of my shirt poked at me. The stitching was in the shape of a griffin with a sword in its beak, curled into a fanciful number six to represent my year." Something like this?

I could feel the well of excitement stuck in my throat as I hurriedly combed out my mess of slightly curly red hair that never seemed to tame. I looked at my oval face and examined every part of it, but the longer I looked the less I liked my face. Staring into my own foggy blue eyes I breathed.

Oh no... Here we find an example of mirror description, where the main character looks in the mirror and describes his or her self for the reader's benefit. This is one of the worst ways you can go about describing your character. Much better ways would be to describe the character through dialogue or action.

ex. "Hey carrothead," Peter whispered in my ear as he sat down beside me. I pulled my curly red hair to one side self-consciously. I hated it when people called me that.

or

Agatha was plain, just plain. I actually felt sorry for her, she was so ordinary looking and easy to forget. But then she would look at you and you'd get lost in her eyes. They were the deepest, clearest brown eyes you ever saw. I would have traded anything to change my blue eyes into brown ones like Agatha's.

Now, if the point of view character is describing another character, as yours does Professor Velten, then the straight up description is fine. After all, that is their impression of them. But, for the love of all that is good, avoid the mirror description. I beg of you...

“Salvete, discipulae et discipuli.” His smooth voice said.

*whoot* Latin, baby! Here is an example of something you do consistently through the entire story; improper dialogue punctuation. When you are writing dialogue and there is a dialogue tag ("he said", "she said", etc.) the period becomes a comma and the first letter of the tag is lowercase. So this should be:

"Salvete, discipulae et discipuli," his smooth voice said.

With questions (?) and exclamation points (!), you can keep the punctuation as is, but remember that the first letter of the dialogue tag should still be lowercase.

Now, if the bit that comes after the dialogue isn't a dialogue tag, then don't worry about it.

ex. "What are we going to do?" Mara dragged her hands through her hair nervously, looking like she wanted to pull it all out by its roots. "The zombies will be here any minute!"

The bit in the middle wasn't a dialogue tag, but a description of the action going on.

Giving an angry sigh Agna pulled out from her robe pocket a long tube and gave it to Velten. “Thank you, Miss Emmerich.”

A comma should go after "sigh". And Velten's line of dialogue should be bumped down into a new paragraph of its own, as should all dialogue by new speakers. When a new person starts to talk, their dialogue gets bumped down into a new paragraph.

ex. "Hey carrothead," Peter whispered in my ear as he sat down at the picnic table beside me. I pulled my curly red hair to one side self-consciously. I hated it when people called me that.

"Go away," I muttered.

"Make me," he muttered back, sliding uncomfortably close on the bench.

What time period is this supposed to be set in, exactly? I was thinking modern era, but they seem to be employing archaic technology (sundials, quills, etc.) Is there are reason for this? As is, I am picking up a very heavy "Harry Potter" vibe from this story (what with the boarding school, quills, and magic classes). Obviously it's not the same, considering Hogwarts was a school for magic, whereas magic seems to be an elective in your school.

Overall, I'm still interested in seeing how everything resolves itself and turns into that life-or-death situation mentioned in the introduction, but this section came out rather slow. I think it was the pacing and what you chose to show. Is it really important what she did to get ready that morning? Maybe you could skim over it, saying something to the effect of "I rushed through my morning routine" and then sort of describe things like uniforms and stuff later. For instance, you could have her rush into the classroom and feel overwhelmed by the sea of identically dressed students or something...

Keep on writing!

~GryphonFledgling