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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Overall. This was really sad, yes it could have been longer but I think since it was so short it left a bigger impression. This was well written and I had trouble finding mistakes which is good. I hope your friends sister gets better and I will keep her in my prayers. Young people don't deserve to die before they had a chance to live their lives. Lots of Love to you, your friend, and her sister. God Bless! Jenn
Thanks everybody! : )
Okay, so, instead of using real names, I added different names. I don't know a Georgia or a Mandy but I know a Patryk and his name really is spelled like that. : D My friend's name is really Morgan ( Mandy ) and her litle sisters name is Samara ( Georgia ) : )
- Teardrop
P.S. I appreciate the reviews a bunch!
OHMIGOSH... I feel soo horrible for your friend. Please tell them us here at YWS hope she recovers....
are these real names or did u edit or make them up?
The two girls sat in the back seat of the little blue car. They were sisters, one lucky, and one with not so much luck.
Georgia looked at her sister, who was staring, bored, at the frosted window. She watched the hills roll past her.
“ Hey, Mandy, wanna play a game of truth or dare?” Georgia asked her older sister hopefully, her brown eyes shining.
Mandy swiveled her head around. Although she was bored, she said yes, since she might not get another chance to play with her sister before her sister's ten days were up.
ten days? whats happening in ten days? please tell us
“Kay, Mandy Truth or Dare?” Georgia questioned.
“ Truth.”
“Hmm...” Georgia pondered, and then she rested her recently shaved head on her fist nonchalantly.
“ Who do you like in school?” Georgia asked in a hushed tone so her father wouldn't hear her in the front seat.
“You know that kid in our third grade class, Patryk Andrews?” Mandy asked Georgia, leaning in close.
nice name
“ Yeah?” Georgia replied.
“I like him,” Mandy said in a soft tone, her sister reacted excitedly and curiously, wanting more secrets.
“Love?” she pressed.
Mandy nodded and spelled “LOVE” out on frosted window. Georgia giggled softly, and they continued their game on the way to the hospital.
Those ten days went by too fast.
this is the perfect end of a paragraph
Seven Years Later...
Seventeen year old Mandy sat in the same backseat of the little blue car given to her by her father when she turned sixteen.
Tonight, Mandy's friend Kelly was driving. She sat in the driver's seat, and in the passenger seat was her boyfriend David.
Mandy turned towards Patryk who was in the seat next to her. He laced his slender, bony fingers threw hers happily.
“ Did you like the movie?” he asked her softly.
“ Yes,” Mandy replied softly.
Kelly pulled up to Patryk's house. Before opening the door to get out, Patryk leaned over and pecked Mandy on the cheek. A kiss so soft, but just enough to make Mandy blush.
He waved, but before Mandy could wave back he left and disappeared into his house.
Mandy smiled a huge smile as she stared at the frosted window and
Mandythis should be she..... spelled out one single word in the frost.this is a realllllyyy good story and it's so nice of you to write it for your friend........
~pointe
“LOVE”
Aww, this is really sad and I hope your friend's sister gets well eventually.
The emotions can be more strongly felt by readers if you lengthen the story with descriptions of the illness and how it takes its toll on the family, as well as the kind of expressions the characters have. Maybe how Georgia felt about her sister falling in love, and how that carries forward into the future.
Also "He laced his slender, bony fingers threw hers happily." - 'threw' should be 'through'.
You've a good story backbone though!
*goes off to get some tissue*
Aww, this was so touching . I really loved this story , although I wish it was longer
This was so touching too . I thought i was going to cry .
Adorable ending, but I would've liked if this was just a little longer. I'm not a fan of romances, but this one was very sweet. Honestly, I don't have much to say; this is just really...touching. Just expand on it some more if you can, and give it even more depth. It felt a little rushed at the end.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Wow, I wanna cry. Maybe not so much cause of the story but because of your friend and her sister. they'll be in my prayers. Really cool story too, Teardrop. It's really sweet and sad, with a cool ending. I like it, it's really deep and I hope she's okay! This story made me sad, yet then came back and lifted my spitits at the end! Lovely!
- Jessica