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Young Writers Society



Dirt in My Own Grave ch. 1 [edited]

by Teague


Author's Note: =/

*flails* I need to stop messing with myself on this.

This is a semi-new direction for Whisky on a Sunday. Instead of just one story, it's multiple, interweaving stories. This is kind of a pilot of sorts? Meh. I dunno how long I'll stay with the new direction. I like the idea, but... I dunno. I'm indecisive.

Now with bonus features!

Chapter 1 (Working Title: Stares)

Eric always found a bizarre sort of symbolism in standing at the bottom of stairs.

A moving up of sorts. He could remember old movie scenes of people coming up to the top of a staircase, their head poking in from the bottom of the screen, moving up to fill the entire window until their feet finally found the landing and the camera panned up to see a look on their face.

Eric never knew how to describe the look.

Infinite, he supposed.

But he didn’t feel infinite, as he started slowly up the stairs, his own head emerging on the bottom of someone’s movie screen. He felt angry, and scared. The only thing keeping him from turning and bolting back down the stairs – twelve of them, he counted each one with a nervous compulsion – was exactly what he’d come to stop doing.

Denial.

I’m only here because Tracy told me to come, he reminded himself over and over again as he followed the curve of the stark white hallway, careful not to meet the stares of anyone he passed. There were all types in the quaint facility – it wasn’t just for alcoholics. Crack addicts, heroin addicts, anorexics, bulimics, prescription drug addicts. Everything under the sun. Most of it didn’t make sense to Eric.

Just one month, and then Tracy will leave me alone, and I can go back to life the way it was.

The doctor or nurse or secretary or whatever she was stopped and turned to face Eric. He didn’t want to look at her. She was a cold woman with a conservative dark blue suit and horn-rimmed classes.

A walking cliché, Eric thought.

“This will be your room while you’re here, Mr. MacAllister,” she said in a curt voice, pointing to an open door to her right. Eric took a step forward and glanced around the threshold. There were three beds, one of which was occupied, one of which was unmade. The third was freshly done up with stiff white sheets and a fluffy-looking pillow. A lonely nightstand stood by it like a sentry. The tiny curtains on the tiny window were pulled back to reveal the upper branches of a tree and a slice of blue sky.

The occupied bed boasted a sleeping form, a man of about forty if Eric had to guess, curled on his side in a fetal position. Eric watched his torso expand and contract with each breath.

The walking cliché next to him was still talking, but Eric didn’t hear a thing. His attention was focused on the sleeping form. Somehow, this man he had never met but would be sharing a room with jarred Eric’s senses.

Just one month… I’m only here because Tracy forced me into it.

But was he really?

The walking cliché had stopped talking and was staring at him with a raised eyebrow. He felt a million miles away, which of course is impossible because the Earth is only about 25,000 miles in circumference.

“Well, your roommates will coach you on the rest,” she said after an awkward pause. “I suggest you get to know them, and get to know them well. Your first group meeting is tomorrow morning.”

She walked away, leaving Eric staring dumbly into the stark white room he was to call home for twenty-eight days. He took a tentative step over the threshold, listening to the echo of his trainer colliding with the ground. A curt snap. Another sound he’d always felt had some sort of deeper meaning – a sense of purpose, maybe.

There was no purpose as he teetered over to the vacant bed and placed his knapsack on top of it. He shuffled a bit, looking around. There was no colour, no life to the walls. No sign that the room was meant for human occupation at all.

How anyone doesn’t go bonkers in here is beyond me, he thought.

The sleeping man gave a grunt and rolled over, his eyes blinking open.

“Who’re you?” he said.

“Your new roommate,” Eric said.

“Wha’s your name?”

“Eric MacAllister.”

The man stuck out a hand. “Owen Conway. Pleased to meet you.”

Eric shifted uncomfortably, sitting down on the edge of his bed. He drummed his fingers on the sides, looking around the room. Owen stared at him.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“What’re you in for?”

Eric was reminded strongly of every movie or television show he’d ever seen that incorporated prison. The age-old question of one prisoner to another.

Fabulous, Eric thought.

“My brother dragged me here, because a friend pestered him into it. I don’t even know why I’m here; they’re the fucked-up ones. Putting me through this when I don’t even need it. Hey, at least they’re paying for it, right?”

Owen chuckled.

“What’s so funny?”

“You are just like every other idiot on their first day. Blaming other people, avoiding the question, la de freakin’ dah. I did it too; it’s okay.

“But you didn’t answer my question. Why are you here?”

“I just told you,” Eric said, disbelieving that someone could be so thick.

“No, you really didn’t.”

“Was I speaking French for a minute there?”

“Non, monsieur.”

“Very funny.”

“Suit yourself,” Owen said, lying back on his bed. “But just know that’s not the last time someone’s gonna heckle you like that. You’re gonna have to learn to accept this, lad. Camp’s over. This is the big time now.”

Owen yawned.

“Why don’t you go explore a bit? There’s only a few individual sessions going on right now. Just stay away from closed doors and you’ll be fine. You should try to find Bart, he’s our other roommate. Go on, introduce yourself. Me, I’m getting back to my nap.”

The older man rolled over and curled up on his side. A few moments later, he started to snore.

I have to live with that for a month? Eric thought as he stood up. He was kind of glad to duck out of the room and escape from Owen.

He didn’t like the feeling he got in the pit of his gut when Owen asked him that question.


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Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:27 pm
Pixielit wrote a review...



I liked this... I didn't read the original, so I can't offer feedback on whether this version was better or not. I feel sort of like I was thrown into the story, though, and I can't figure out where he is. Is it some sort of rehab facility, and if it is, what's he there for? I know if I read the next chapter or so I'd probably figure it out, but i just feel like i have nothing to clue me in.

other than that, I like it. it reminds me of ... something. I liked the beginning, it really tweaked my interest. I'm going to read the next chapter and hope I can figure this out....

it was really good, though.

Pixielit




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Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:06 pm
zankoku_na_tenshi wrote a review...



LOL lateness. Sorry, Razor, a very lazy friend am I.

Anyway, this was brilliant, as is everything else you write. Loved it. It was a great first chapter to pull us in, hope it just keeps being as awesome as this. You did a pretty good job of helping us identify with and feel sympathy for Eric right away, and the fact that the reader wouldn't be sure why he's here is enough to keep people reading.

I love the stair metaphor, It was an odd and interesting way of starting the piece that totally pulled me in.

The whole thing with the walking cliche was pretty funny, too.

He took a tentative step over the threshold, listening to the echo of his trainer colliding with the ground. A curt snap.

This was a pretty awesome sentence, but I don't think "snap" is quite the right onomatopoeia (yes! spelled it right the first time! *ahem* sorry)... "Snap" sounds more to me like a dry branch breaking, footsteps are more like... "thump" or maybe "click" if you have very spiffy dress shoes and it's a tile surface. Eh, I dunno, it's probably my own crazy mind playing tricks on me. Do what you will with it.

He didn’t like the feeling he got in the pit of his gut when Owen asked him that question.

Which question? I got a little confused.

Gah! I don't know what to say in comparison to the opening of WoaS... On one hand, this is a great opening on its own, on the other... I really liked that old prologue. XD But this was great, all the same, and I'm glad you've found a direction to take with this story that's easier/ more inspiring for you. (Wish a little of that inspiration would rub off on me, so I could fix my book. XD) Can't wait to read the next chapter! ^_^




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Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:24 am
Alice wrote a review...



Ello Saint! I'm much obliged for this!

movie scenes of people coming up to the


When I first read that I said to myself "wtf?" and re-read it. It seems weirdly worded.

A moving up of sorts. He could remember old movie scenes of people coming up to the top of a staircase, their head poking in from the bottom of the screen, moving up to fill the entire window until their feet finally found the landing and the camera panned up to see a look on their face.


Trying to imagine that is fun ^_^

Eric never knew how to describe the look.

Infinite, he supposed.


Huh what? Is he talking about the movies or him?

twelve of them, he counted each one with a nervous compulsion –


Oh! I thought you were talking about the reasons, not the stairs, try mentioning that he's counting the steps, not the reasons for turning back.

Speaking of which what the heck is going on! Confusion at this part is just going to annoy and confuse readers and make them less-inclined to read more.

I’m only here because Tracy told me to come, he reminded himself over and over again as he followed the curve of the stark white hallway, careful not to meet the stares of anyone he passed. There were all types in the quaint facility – it wasn’t just for alcoholics. Crack addicts, heroin addicts, anorexics, bulimics, prescription drug addicts. Everything under the sun. Most of it didn’t make sense to Eric.


Now we're getting more of an idea of whats going on! Its still highly confusing though.

“This will be your room while you’re here, Mr. MacAllister,” she said in a curt voice,


Wait! I thought he was here to visit! somebody!

I like how you describe the nurse as a walking cliche ^_^ I love that, gives me a little insite to his character and I'm already starting to like his cynical nature.

Just one month… I’m only here because Tracy forced me into it.


Who's Tracy? Girlfriend/Mom/Sister/Wife/Best friend? Its definately somebody with influence over his life. She'd better be explained shortly.

No sign that the room was meant for human occupation at all.


I twitch at the mere thought of living there *shudder/twitch* I feel bad for Eric now! I want to hug him and paint the walls bright random pretty colors!

“You are just like every other idiot on their first day. Blaming other people, avoiding the question, la de freakin’ dah. I did it too; it’s okay.


two things:

one: I love Owen already
two: Wording is great "la de freakin' dah" you'll be hearing me say that now

So far I love this. Your characters are fun and loveable. I can't wait to meet Bart!




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Mon Jul 14, 2008 6:36 pm
Blink wrote a review...



Hi!

I saw the third chapter to this so I thought I'd go through them and see what we have here:

To be honest, I couldn't see any grammatical errors from a first read which is quite an achievement, no matter how irrelevant to the actual story they are. Anyway, lovely read I thought it was above all intriguing, in terms of plot. In my opinion however, there were a lot of great descriptions but many distracted from the main characters. In particular, where I thought you need some, there were none and where they could have been cut down, you wrote paragraphs. Let's take some examples:

“This will be your room while you’re here, Mr. MacAllister,” she said in a curt voice, pointing to an open door to her right. Eric took a step forward and glanced around the threshold. There were three beds, one of which was occupied, one of which was unmade. The third was freshly done up with stiff white sheets and a fluffy-looking pillow. A lonely nightstand stood by it like a sentry. The tiny curtains on the tiny window were pulled back to reveal the upper branches of a tree and a slice of blue sky.

I actually loved the descriptions here, they were very effective for creating an atmosphere but they are almost the baseline--I see no real feeling under construction. You are telling us the items in a bedroom but they just don't match with the rest. You tell us Eric is worried about this place but you make the descriptions seem too unconnected--after seeing the fluffy pillow does he relax slightly, or cringe at the dark red curtains?

A little later on, it felt like talking heads. We need some sort of build up with the characters, in particular Eric who seems as of yet, just someone who has been forced into this by someone called Tracy.

“My brother dragged me here, because a friend pestered him into it. I don’t even know why I’m here; they’re the fucked-up ones. Putting me through this when I don’t even need it. Hey, at least they’re paying for it, right?”
Owen chuckled.
“What’s so funny?”
“You are just like every other idiot on their first day. Blaming other people, avoiding the question, la de freakin’ dah. I did it too; it’s okay.
“But you didn’t answer my question. Why are you here?”
“I just told you,” Eric said, disbelieving that someone could be so thick.
“No, you really didn’t.”
“Was I speaking French for a minute there?”
“Non, monsieur.”
“Very funny.”

I understand the importance of keeping a steady pacing but we are just too distant from Eric. When Owen asks him this question does he wince, or bite his lips as gets a little angry?

Be sure to give us the appropriate emotions, and create a setting as to what this place is. Overall, lovely piece, I am interested where this is going.

Now, I don't speak a word of French past cafe, but from all the movies and stuff I've seen (plus a fluent cousin) I could swear it's No, not Non.

It's 'non', :wink:

:smt102




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Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:47 pm
Angel of Death wrote a review...



Hey Saint!!

I really enjoyed this but it lacked some descriptions here and there. It was over too fast and I want more...oh well I guess I'll just have to read the next part. All in all this was good. I didn't read Whiskey on a Sunday but I do remember when you wrote it so...sorry I didn't read it but I did go look at it and I have to say I was frustrated. It was posted all together and I like reading things and then posting comments you know? Oh well I know I complain a lot but I will get over my complaints and read it the first chance I get I promise.
Keep Writing and Good Job,
Angel :D :D :D




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Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:42 am
chocoholic wrote a review...



This was okay. I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell you that I didn't love it, but it was alright. I just didn't get the feeling that Eric has something he's not telling us, that he has something to hide, which is something I really pick up on in your other work. It disappointed me, because I know there's something, it just doesn't feel like it.

A moving up of sorts. He could remember old movie scenes of people coming up to the top of a staircase, their head poking in from the bottom of the screen, moving up to fill the entire window until their feet finally found the landing and the camera panned up to see a look on their face.


This bit just didn't work for me. I've read it over and over, and I still don't get it. Maybe I haven't seen enough old movies, but I can't see it.

“Non, monsieur.”


Now, I don't speak a word of French past cafe, but from all the movies and stuff I've seen (plus a fluent cousin) I could swear it's No, not Non. Ignore me if you know and it actually is Non and I'm just proving my stupidity when it comes to French.

That's really all I can say right now. I'm going to read the second part, and I hope it's a bit better than this. Not saying that this is bad, I just think it could be better.




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Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:33 am
Teague says...



Augmented by request of BigBadBear.

-:pirate3:




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Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:29 pm
Sam wrote a review...



Yay! Saint stuff!

I don't think I've read Whiskey on a Sunday, but I absolutely adore your first line, your title, and pretty much everything about this chapter. Most people like to go into a snarky, negative direction when their characters are faced with situations like this, but you didn't do this at all--I really liked Eric, and cared about him. I want to know where he's going to end up, and whether or not he's going to get better. That's definitely a good thing for a story that's about addiction. ^_~

This didn't make much sense to me:

A moving up of sorts. He could remember old movie scenes of people coming up to the top of a staircase, their head poking in from the bottom of the screen, moving up to fill the entire window until their feet finally found the landing and the camera panned up to see a look on their face.


I don't watch old movies (or many movies at all), so it could be something that people look at me and go, "Duh! It's always done that way!". If it's not, though, I'd avoid generalities--go for something famous. You might want to go Sylvester-Stallone-in-Rocky with this one, actually. It's well-known, and it goes with your theme of "triumph".

But, oui! Let me know if you decide to go forward with this, and I will definitely stick around for the chapters to come.




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Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:28 pm
BigBadBear wrote a review...



Razor,

Razor, is there any way that I could not like this? Well… um… for the first time, I think the answer is ‘yes’. I’m very sad to say that I really didn’t enjoy this as much as I thought I would. In fact, I really liked the old WoaS better. The beginning, anyway. It’s a lot easier to get into a story where something is happening quickly. Like the therapist part.

But I won’t condemn you just yet. ;)

As for the actual writing itself: I feel that this is really clogged up. Sometimes, authors try to write something that they think is really good by using way too much description and not enough action. I (personally, and you probably know) like raw things. Things without all of the mushy-gushy detail that makes this hard to read. This is just my personal opinion on this matter, though.

As I say in the attachment below, the walking cliché is funny at first, but then you continue to call her that, and it gets really annoying. So I would suggest finding her a name or something. Maybe she has a nametag, or maybe one of the clients says her name. It’s better than repeating the walking cliché over and over. J The walking cliché really… isn’t very good. I mean very well fleshed out. You know what I mean. Right now (you’ve probably heard/written this a million times) she is 2D. A stick figure. She’s boring, flat, and unresponsive. Yes, that is her character, but her dialog could really bring more out. She starts one of her sentences with, “Well,” and that makes her seem very unprofessional. Even if she wasn’t interested in the job, she would at least have said something semi-smart. I dunno. Am I getting too nit-picky here? I’m trying furiously trying to find something to critique! Your writing is just way too good!

Anyway. This was very good, but I really liked the other one better. But please, continue writing this one. Don’t let one opinion get you down.

-Jared

EDIT:

This is a lot better than the ending you had before. Really. I think it's the dialog that really made this work. And thank you for using Bart. Razor, you rock, and now the vow of silence is over. :yay:

Okay.

A few moments later, he started to snore.
I have to live with that for a month?


I think you should elaborate on how the man snores. Because he could be snoring softly, loudly, like my dad, or just... I dunno. And everything after he starts to snore happens quickly. I would try and fluff some detail and other... writingness stuff into it. You can do it. I'm your #1 fan! ... that doesn't really mean anything, but who cares?

You should try to find Bart, he’s our other roommate.


Is this a run-on sentence? If so, please change to, "You should try to find Bart, our other roommate."

Good job. Post more. Like now.

-Jared





You wanna be a writer? You don't know how or when? Find a quiet place, use a humble pen.
— Paul Simon