Screams and shouts could be heard in the distance as there was no line in the summer heat. We stepped over the gate into the seat and sat down holding onto the handles of the seats, the restraining straps and metal chain over my over my stomach and chest strapping me in . My section of the ride started to spin and spin faster then it incline, almost like leading to the first of the start of the roller-coaster.
When I heard the clickety-clack of the speakers voice threw the speaker as we made our lift a feeling of nervousness and extreme excitement swept over me.
I had no more time to think as we slowly raising up still spinning and screaming back to the speaker.I could see downward. I couldn't lift my feet I was upside down hold on for dear life doing and screaming back at the speaker again and clapping and trying to stomp our feet, just as all my companies were? Then, all of a sudden, we sped down faster still spinning still with our backs pulled back to our chairs by the wind. As we went down and up spin inning around around. I felt awful but well I don't know cool you could say , but when we reached the end it felt as if I weighed tons.
Then, as if it all had been a dream, the cars jolted to a stop. Forced to get out, I found myself slumped in the seat. As I walked away, shaken and relieved, and dizzy and trying regain balance as the others were,me more than ever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, xJ here to save the day!
Alright, this isn't bad, but you made a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. Paragraph 1: "Screams and shouts." Screaming and shouting would sound better. And the 2nd line, "We" You didn't introduce your characters! You need to be specific and introduce your characters either during the story or before you type it. After that: "then it incline." This should be separated from that sentence. And fix up that grammar on it!
2nd Paragraph: The beginning doesn't make sense so I don't know what you were trying to say. "the speakers voice threw the speaker". And that entire paragraph is a run-on sentence, so work on your pauses.
3rd paragraph: That first sentence makes no sense. And the 3rd sentence "hold on for dear life" should be "holding on for dear life." Finally, the last sentence of that paragraph, "I felt awful but well I don't know cool you could say,"
4th paragraph: Perfectly fine! Nothing bad to say about this paragraph.
But please try to improve on your spelling and grammar mistakes. Best wishes,
-xJ
Hello! Ash here for a Review!
Also, try to have a good first sentence that pulls the reader in, a lot of times if the first sentence is boring, I'll just close a book and stop reading. Some others are the same way~ Any how,have a nice day!
Alright, good story! Just confused by the first sentence-
"Screams and shouts could be heard in the distance as there was no line in the summer heat."
That line confused me, I don't know what was really happening there. There was also some grammar and spelling mistakes -
"then it incline" Should have been - "then it inclined"
"threw the speaker" - Should have been "through the speaker"
"I had no more time to think as we slowly raising up still spinning and screaming back to the speaker." - I don't get what was happening there either, but it should have been - "I had no more time to think as we were slowly raising up, still spinning and screaming back to the speaker."
"As we went down and up spin inning around around" - Should have been "As we went down and up, spinning around and around."
Also I found some run-on sentences and sentences that didn't make a lot of sense
"I couldn't lift my feet I was upside down hold on for dear life doing and screaming back at the speaker again and clapping and trying to stomp our feet, just as all my companies were?" -- I couldn't really tell what was happening there.
"I felt awful but well I don't know cool you could say , but when we reached the end it felt as if I weighed tons." -- That's a run-on sentence, should have been written like this - "I felt awful but cool you could say. Although when we reached the end, it felt like I weighed tons."
"As I walked away, shaken and relieved, and dizzy and trying regain balance as the others were,me more than ever." Should have been written like this - "I walked away, shaken, relieved, and dizzy. The others were as well, but I felt as if I felt the worst."
I feel that the story could have been edited a bit better and have a bit better descriptions. When I write, I get someone to edit my work for me, perhaps you can do the same?
~Ash~