Depending Secrets

Hello CapitalMonday here for to write a review, in my nest with some coffee. I would like to begin is to say this poem is really deep and the tone is wonderful. The idea from the poem is telling the reader that secrets are bad to tell, only if they seem to be the good kind of secrets. Mankind can take secrets into their own hands and ruin them to form fibs or better yet to make people believe they are telling the truth when really they are the liar behind a mask they wear.

This poem makes me think of myself since well yes I did lie at one point but I have been over that. yes, I told secrets that shouldn't have been told but now as I look back on life I see that the lies I told were only to be told to me, not to anyone else. This poem has really summed up the life of being a liar, without a soul and without a mind,

Hope you like!
CapitalMonday

Wow, this is deep, and true! I completely understand where this came from. I would consider working on your grammar and adding a couple more stanzas. This poem has a lot of feeling in and created imagery really well. I liked the way you used your words. My favorite line is "Secrets pollute our minds and haunt your dreams." Otherwise thats all I have to say!

Hiya im not here to point out any of your flaws onlybthe good in your poem .I personaly like the length of it bc I write so little also just feels like ur really creative tgat way alot to say in a little few lines is my style but I really enjoyed it my favorite line is the last one its jus captivating idk y but anyway great job

Keep writing ill look forward to more of ur works and plz hav a look at mine as well if u like.

-oldsoulxoxo

Hiya im not here to point out any of your flaws onlybthe good in your poem .I personaly like the length of it bc I write so little also just feels like ur really creative tgat way alot to say in a little few lines is my style but I really enjoyed it my favorite line is the last one its jus captivating idk y but anyway great job

Keep writing ill look forward to more of ur works and plz hav a look at mine as well if u like.

-oldsoulxoxo

This is very interesting and true. I think that you need to work on your grammar. I'm not perfect on mine, either. Sometimes it is hard to read. Other than that, good post!

hi, teacake. Welcome to YWS:)
I'm just gonna dive into an honest review today.

Your biggest problem I feel is not the subject, but rather the way in which you portray it. Some lines I found just confusing, as if you're trying to keep your style symbolic and romantic, when the lines end up just stating something you could have brought forth in a medium other than a poem. To me, poetry is an outlet to express things you simply can't explain in any other way, a language that speaks in analogies and visual paintings.
The mistakes I felt you had here are common. I see them all the time. A word of advice that might help is this: don't try to use overly passionate words. Especially if they directly tell you the mood or level of passion in the phrase.
i.e.: "desperate"
I hate this word in poetry, because it's so bluntly obvious. The moment you use the word 'desperate', you can't describe any more. It tells you point-blank what's going on, and you have no room to SHOW your audience the mood.
And as far as descriptive words, I think some of the simplest words can be the most beautiful at times, too. Don't be afraid to mix these every so often with a romantic style. (I like to call most styles of poetry under the 'Dramatic' category as 'romantically' written.)

As far as format, I like the physical shape of this poem. It appeals to the eye. However, the first few lines seem to begin a few spaces later than the rest of the stanza.
Also, you capitalize some beginnings of lines, and not others, and use absolutely no punctuation.
If you're going to capitalize like this, it makes a lot more sense to use at least some form of punctuation. Really helps the flow of things. Some poetry won't flow well at all without it, even if it's spaced and formatted perfectly otherwise.

You have a good start in drafting this idea out. Now work on perfecting it!:)

Let me or anyone else here on YWS know if you need anything.
Yours,
~iron.n
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.

Hi teacake013,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you stick around. We have a wonderful community of writers here and you are very welcome to be a part of that.

I have a few thoughts on how to improve your poem that I hope you use if you decide to edit:

1. There is no real need for this to be italicised. I think it is distracting for the reader as italics usually indicates stress or importance, and if every word is in italics, everything is important! Ergo, nothing is important. So you may as well keep it all in normal.

2. The rhythm of your lines is off. If you are going to use rhymes you need to pay very careful attention to how your poem sounds. The best way to work out the rhythm of your poetry is to read it out loud. This way you can quickly spot when there is an extra syllable that knocks the flow out and ruins how your poem reads.

The main example of this is "You rely on them to keep others blind" which does not fit to the same pattern and rhythm of your previous lines. I'll let you figure out why.

3. This has very little depth to it. The message is almost entirely encapsulated in the first line: secrets are tricky. Beyond that, we have a little bit about them being tortuous and also causing people to be intertwined. This is not always a bad thing, but if a poem is have a shallow message, its rhymes, rhythm, flow, and words better be the best they can be. Otherwise, it will fall flat.

4. I would look at the words you've used and consider whether you could use more interesting ones to be more unique. Currently, I think you have used a lot of straightforward language that is not particularly exciting. For example, you repeat trick twice, and "to keep you sane in these desperate times" is not particularly new or exciting. It's quite a tired phrase I have heard several times before.

5. Watch out for repeating yourself. In poetry repetition should have a particular purpose. In this, I feel like you ran out of steam a bit towards the end and repeated yourself just to keep going. For example, you repeat that secrets are trick things.

I've gone a little easier than I normally might because you are new and I do not want to scare you off! Stick around and keep writing!

This is very well versed and written. I really enjoy the rhythm you've established and how the lines read. I think you could improve it a bit, first with some grammar added in. without it you have one very long rung on sentence, although I can sense where to take a breath and pause others might not and punctuation and grammar may clue them inn on this fact.

Another thing I will add is, why is it all in italics? it takes away from the emphasis that italics are meant to supply within a poem. Those are the only two things I find that could be improved.

I love the way you wrote this though. You created something that makes you think and provokes the mind to wonder what secrets we all might be hiding, and how long it will take for them to eat us alive.

keep writing, I really enjoyed it, and some small improvements could really make it shine.

Do you guys like it?