Published September 13, 2006
As I tried to run my legs shook beneath me. From behind I heard terrified screams and a series of bangs before I turned and headed down a long dark alley way. I stumbled in the darkness without the faintest idea where I would find myself. The alley went on for what seemed like an age till eventually I emerged into the light produced by the street lamps. I turned expecting Helen to be there right behind me, but I was all alone. And then it hit me, was it her who screamed. ‘Oh God’ I thought. ‘how could I leave anyone in that situation let alone my best friend. And now she may be dead. If she is I should have died with her she must have been so scared. Without a second thought I turned on my heels and headed back down that dark alley way right back towards the scene of the crime. My Hands where sweating profusely and I was shaking all over and felt incredibly like throwing up in the gutter.
I emerged from the darkness to see the horror before me, bodies all over the street. Inside the club kept pumping the people inside apparently unaware of the horror that had been going on outside. The man responsible wasn’t around he’d fled. People in the near by restaurants had fled or hidden under tables. A few brave ones had sacrificed their lives for others by attempting to disarm the culprit. I searched with my eyes for Helen. I heard a series of emergency sirens which made the sickness die down a little bit. Then I saw her, she was bleeding profusely, he got her in the stomach. I bolted to her compressing the bleeding while the paramedics assessed how critical each victim was. She was so helpless and so scared. I didn’t know what I would do if she died. I didn’t know if I could live with myself. She was like the sister I never had without her a large chunk of me would die to. She looked up at me through her stunning green eyes and slowly opened her mouth. “tell mum and dad I love…” she drifted off her last word failed to be spoken, her head slumpt to one side. I collapsed on the ground tears streaming down my pail complexion. “She’s not dead” I yelled which got the attention of the paramedics who rushed over immediately to be sure there was no pulse. One of them placed a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry he said “it’s a tragedy that shouldn’t have happened.”
I had until now been blessed with the fact that I hadn’t known anyone close enough to go to their funeral. I knew the day would come but I had expected it to be my grandparents or a family friend someone who was older not someone my age and my best friend. The funeral was as nice as a funeral could be.
(more to come)
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141,288 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one was a really sad but pretty well written story that you have here. Its got a ton of very well done emotional parts and besides some slightly wonky paragraphing the overall pacing is really good. The flow was also I think only somewhat off because of the paragraphing.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay this one isn't maybe the greatest choice of opening paragraphs that you have here. It's just a little bit off. I think it's the fact that there seems to be several thing happening here in this one paragraph. I think that little description there of that alley should be the first paragraph and the rest should be divided up a little so that you can a) give a little bit more emotion there and b) make that be a lot easier to understand what happens there.
Well that escalated really fast there. A couple of issues here. I think that conversation with Helen was really well done but it should be in another paragraph or else it just doesn't quite work out very well here. Otherwise it just sounds like the pacing is off and that really powerful conversation looses its impact somewhat.
And a bit of a nitpick, if you get shot in the stomach you don't usually die unless you bleed out and that takes hours not minutes so really she shouldn't be dead, it would be much better if you said her leg or arm where there are major arteries that it ruptured would make someone bleed out much faster and are usually not going to be reparable.
Oh no...this is so relatable to real life and it is a pretty sad note to end one.
I guess I will be attempting to track down any potential sequels to this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty nice story that you have here. It's definitely very enjoyable well not exactly enjoyable because of how sad it is but writing wise it's enjoyable. And I think that's about all I have to say. Just remember to break paragraphs a bit more often but besides that great job.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Ooh, I like what you have so far.
.
A few mistakes I noticed:
‘Oh God’ I thought. ‘how could I leave anyone in that situation let alone my best friend. And now she may be dead. If she is I should have died with her she must have been so scared.
(my apologies for the funny little symbol's where the speech marks should be - for some reason they appear instead of apostraphies...)
Either 'I thought' should end in a comma (,), or else 'how could' should start with a captial (H).
Also, it's hard for me to tell, but I believe you didn't close the apostraphies (' or ", depending on what you used).
Inside the club kept pumping the people inside apparently unaware of the horror that had been going on outside.
You need a comma after 'pumping'.
I collapsed on the ground tears streaming down my pail complexion.
Pail should be pale
But yeah, I liked this. A nice introduction.