He walked along the shore, the icy cold wind bellowed harder than ever. He couldn’t believe she was dead. He only meet her a fort night ago. Yet he new she was the one the one and only. The way she looked at him made him feel so special, so alive and interesting. He new without a doubt that she loved him just as much as he did her. He could see it in her stunning brown eyes. But now she was gone all he had left of her was what was clasped in his hands. Charles looked down at the urn. He opened the lid, watched her get scattered across her favourite spot thanks to the bellowing wind. A slight smile crept up onto his tired worn out face. She’d be happy here was what he told himself. It was the only way he got through.
*****
Charles was convinced that he would never find his true companion. As face it, he just wasn’t good enough well at least in his mind this was the case. He wasn’t a good looker and he thought himself somewhat unintelligent and just down rightly uninteresting. Girls didn’t look at him in a way that made them approachable. And they always hung in large mobs. Which made the odd occasion when he did get that feeling towards a girl it made it very difficult to act upon?
The class was silent as Mrs Morton opened her mouth to introduce the new exchange student.
“She’s from Japan and I hope you intend to welcome her with open arms her name is Winnie. Come in Winnie.” Stated Morton. In came Winnie her black hair pulled into a Bun a smile lighting up her inquisitive brown eyes. And it was at that moment that Charles felt something. Something he had never felt before. It was love different to what he felt for those other girls this was the real deal but he new she wouldn’t feel the same way as he was going to be single from eighteen till the day he died. He new that in his heart. But that didn’t stop him from just staring at her fascinated by her every feature. It wasn’t until she gave a little nervous giggle that he became aware of his staring. But she didn’t look annoyed not like Chelsea Small. Who when she caught his gaze when he’d gone into a similar trance. Told him he was ugly and that she was way out of his league.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a very somber start to proceedings here. It certainly gets your attention right away this one, with the idea of someone losing the love of their life. The detail of the whole fortnight is an interesting one because it doesn't exactly seem too relevant to this scene for the moment, but it seems like the sort of thing that would be foreshadowing for later. Either way it makes for an interesting detail amidst a pretty nice emotional start here.
Okay...I have no idea if this is meant to be some sort of flashback following that earlier rather tragic scene or if somehow this is the scene that follow. I hope its the former because the other way round would entirely destroy all the emotion built up from the start. Let's see where this takes us here.
OOoh well now that that's confirmed, well this makes for a very tragic start given that we know exactly where this is headed. Its a powerful moment that you've managed to create here I think, building on this person's past failures and highlighting how this person was special. I think it makes for a good opening here, and given this is incomplete there's not a whole lot more to say besides the fact that this was a pretty solid start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
What? As face it? I'm not sure that makes sense. And you need a colon or a new sentence.
Are you asking me? I think you meant to say something like:
Which made the odd occasion when he did get that feeling toward a girl very difficiult to act upon.
He wasn’t a good looker and he thought himself somewhat unintelligent and just down rightly uninteresting. Girls didn’t look at him in a way that made them approachable. And they always hung in large mobs. Which made the odd occasion when he did get that feeling towards a girl it made it very difficult to act upon?
Run-on. ...open arms. Her name is Winnie.
Comma's desperatley needed. After: Winnie, and bun (which needs to be in lowercase).
[quote="tazy"] It was love different to what he felt for those other .girls this was the real deal but he .new .she wouldn’t feel the same way as he was going to be single from eighteen till the day he died. He .new .that in his heart. But that didn’t stop him from just staring at. her fascinated by her every feature.[\quote]
You need a period between girls and this.
The word "new" should be spelled "knew". (you did this twice)
This makes no sense to me: "she wouldn’t feel the same way as he was going to be single from eighteen till the day he died."
The word "that" should be "this"
Between her and fascinated should be a comma.
Nice start, but nothing special. Guy wants girl, gets her, loses her deal.
Also, please work on your grammar. This story was very hard to get through, and I highly suggest you fix it by correcting your sentences and separating it into proper paragraphs. Whenever someone speaks, a new paragraph is started and also there are commas and such after things.
Nice attempt, and if you heavily work on it, I think it can become a great story! Keep writing!
Wiggy