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Young Writers Society



Gerard

by Tazy


The red rugged earth ascended steeply, piercing the blue sky like a bloody dagger through soft velvet. Gerard stood affixed at the view wondering just how the recent turn of events had led him to such a place. He loved the red earth that stretched for miles around him and the landmark that stood meters before him. He’d never seen such beauty. It was like nothing he had expected. He had expected to hate it but he fell in love with it the minute his thong clad feet made contact with the soil. Maybe he just wanted to hate it because he had been given an ultimatum go to the Central Australia with a wife and two gorgeous children. Or stay in Melbourne alone and temporarily childless. It didn’t seem like he had much of a choice as his children were his life. He would have divorced his cruel bitter old wife years before but the children loved her and that made him stay he couldn’t do it to them. Sheila had made it quite clear to him that she wanted the transfer and made it out as though it was the best thing for her and the children. Gerard reflected on the argument that had taken place when Sheila announced she had a transfer.

“Were moving to The Alice” she announced as she flung the door shut behind her.

“What” Gerard had said astounded at the sudden announcement.

“You heard me were going to the Alice. I’ve enrolled the children in school and were moving in a week, well rent out the apartment as an investment.” She had added rather bitterly.

“In school but we haven’t discussed this. Sheila be reasonable” retorted Gerard trying to keep things rational, though his head was on fire ‘how dare she how dare she’ he thought.

“You don’t have to come but what ever happens the kids are coming with me”

“Have you discussed this with them?” he had asked less coolly this time.

“No because I know what’s best for them. They’re too young to make such a decision like this.”

“Sheila they are twelve and fourteen that’s old enough to make a decision about whether they want to leave a city they’re happy in, a school they’re happy with and friends they’re happy with.” This time the anger came out in his voice and his face was getting reder as each sentence passed.

“Well it’s decided and there’s nothing you can do about it they expect me there next week.”

“What happens about my job, I’m happy here with my job it’s unreasonable to just up and leave without including me. I have the right to make decisions for this family as much as you do why didn’t you ask me?”

“Because I new you’d say what you just said.” By now Gerard was fuming mad.

“How dare you, you’re not thinking of the children it’s always your career first and the boys second and me last. There was a time before our boys that you made me number one you loved me cared for me when I was ill and helped me through grief and now your a selfish bitter old women” he yelled shaking from all the anger that was welling up inside of him.

“Really, well I guess you’re staying”

“No I’m not because I love my boys I’ll go but only because I don’t want them stuck with you alone. They need two parents one miles away may as well not exist you may have won now Sheila but you won’t win the next time.”

Gerard came back to the present feeling the anger churning up his stomach again he quickly compressed it and headed back to the car to the others.

“Finished having your jolly stretch?” snapped his ill tempered wife from the passenger seat.

“Yes” said Gerard trying to stay cool he didn’t like to fight in front of his children it wasn’t the best example. It was a tip he wished his wife would pick up on. But she was to naive to see its affects on their children.


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34 Reviews


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Tue May 02, 2006 7:54 pm
stilltyping wrote a review...



Aside from the grammar and punctuation advice given by the others, there only one thing that stood out to me that could be improved upon, and that is pace. Sometimes it's challenging to be patient with your writing, I get that problem a lot with mine. But if you take it slowly, really describing things and making it clear, the reader will be able to catch things eaier, and relax while they are reading your work, which is a plus. Having to concentrate in order to understand what's going on can make one just give up and not finish. I like the description at the beginning, you should put in more writing there. The landmark you alluded to is mysterious, perhaps it could be described, along with the weather, or even just more detail on the surroundings. Really make your writing stand out with a vived atmosphere, which you could do well.




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Sun Apr 30, 2006 1:24 am
Jennafina wrote a review...



Wow! I like it! The first sentence has really nice imagry. For the rest of my critique, I'm instead of quote marks, I'm going to use italics, because they take up less space. So whenever you see italics, it's a quote from your story. Hope you don't mind. :)

“Were moving to The Alice” she announced as she flung the door shut behind her.
'Were' should be 'We're,' and there should be a comma after Alice, but still withen the quotations.

“What” Gerard had said astounded at the sudden announcement.
This should have a question mark after what, since it's a question.

“You heard me were going to the Alice. I’ve enrolled the children in school and were moving in a week, well rent out the apartment as an investment.” She had added rather bitterly.
We're again. I think there might be a comma after me, but that's me. We'll. Also, there should be a comma instead of a period after incestment, and 'she' shouldn't be capitalized.

Sheila be reasonable” retorted...
Comma after reasonable.

he had asked less coolly this time.
Comma after 'asked'.

“Because I new you’d say what you just said.”
'Knew' instead of 'new'.

“Really, well I guess you’re staying”
This needs some type of punctuation at the end.

“Yes” said Gerard trying to stay cool
comma after 'yes.'

I really liked this one! Can't wait to see more. Well, I can wait, but I don't want to. Hehe sorry. Gerrard seems really polite and nice. He's a good father. :)
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Sat Apr 29, 2006 10:09 pm
Colier wrote a review...



Yeah, I was going to point out the grammar problems too. Although your writing DOESN'T suck, and it does have good description of images, particularly setting, your lack of proper commas and puncuation makes it a hard read. Your dialogue could use some work though, but you transition well and have a understanding of human traits (they way they act and move) which is very important. I have a short piece up that I could use a review on. Hope to hear from you soon.




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Sat Apr 29, 2006 9:44 am
Elelel wrote a review...



YAY!!! Australia!

The red rugged earth ascended steeply, piercing the blue sky like a bloody dagger through soft velvet.


I like this imagery. I'm not sure about the word "ascended" though. Maybe a phrase like "sloped up steeply" would be a more appropriate?

I like the beginning. It draws the reader in. And the flashback is good, I liked that too. You could have just told us what the situation was, but the flashback illustrates it much better, and is a good way of introducing Sheila's character.

There's quite a few grammar problems in there. I think the main one is that the fullstops aren't always in the best places.

He would have divorced his cruel bitter old wife years before but the children loved her and that made him stay he couldn’t do it to them.


For example, here we have a run-on sentence. "he couldn't do it to them" is a sentence on it's own, and really needs something to join it on to the rest as the same sentence, or needs to be a new sentence on it's own. I'd go with putting a fullstop between "that made him stay" and "he couldn't do it to them" myself.

He had expected to hate it but he fell in love with it the minute his thong clad feet made contact with the soil.


Thong clad feet ... hehe! I like that phrase. I wonder how the people with a different slang are coping? To them it must sound like he's wearing underwear on his feet! Lol! It amuses me. Don't change it for that reason. It's great how it is. You do, however, need a comma just before the "but".

You've got more grammar problems in the diagolue. Sometimes you've missed putting punctuation before ending quotation marks, and there are a few questions in there without question marks.

“You heard me were going to the Alice. I’ve enrolled the children in school and were moving in a week, well rent out the apartment as an investment.” She had added rather bitterly.


Here, you've got "were" rather than "we're". Also, were you end the dialogue you needed a comma rather than a fullstop. If that wasn't just a one off accident, I'd check out the writing tips forum because there's a great article on that sort of thing. It's in the sticky list of articles under dialogue, titled "dialogue grammar"

This has the makings of a good story, but unfortunately the grammar mistakes are bringing it down. I pointed out a few, but there are more than that. It'd be good if you checked through it again. If you're unsure about anything feel free to ask.

I like the idea! It's good to see a story set in Australia here too.





In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
— Kathleen Norris