Young Writers Society

Hey, Pix here!

To start off, I really like this. It has lots of detail (Which I amazingly love) And I think you really put alot of effort into this.

I think I'll start off with the negitives so by the end of you reading this you wont freak.

- As already said, you don't need to put periods at the end of every line. This might just be me, but it confuses me.

- I think that when you start off, you should put the first verse along with the detail.

- I didn't really like how you put- 'This place is intruging' In the first two verses. Maybe change the line?

That's all the negitive. Wasn't so bad, was it?

Now here's to the goodies-

- I like how you kept the flow, most poems I do are never like that.

- It's amazing how in the last verse, you changed it. How it wasn't dull anymore.

- I think you did a good job with how you describe everything. Nice job.

That's all! I hope this'll help...In a way.

~Pix~

Hi there, I see that your new to the large world of YWS! Welcome welcome I hope that you enjoy your time here. I haven't reviewed in a while so I'm afraid I'm a bit rusty, please bare with me.

The first thing I notice is that you capitalize the word dull over and over. This doesn't really do anything for your poem. When you think of the word dull you don't think of it as something that stands out and it seems that is what your trying to do.

Second thing I noticed is that you put a period at the end of every line. Poetry is like a story in a shorter form. It's like a whole story compacted into something you can read in little to no time. You don't need a period after every line, you use commas and semicolons and all those snazzy things. You also don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line, but that is completely up to you.

You misspell intriguing throughout the whole poem. You use alot of, here's a lovely word to explain this, dull words in this poem. When you write you want the writer to feel, see and be able to imagine completely what you are saying. These are literally just a bunch of statements that mean nothing to the reader. We don't know what's going on here, all I see when I read this is a bunch of grey boring rain. Bring your emotions into it, make it the exciting feeling that you want us to feel.

Another thought is you don't want to say the same things over and over. Using the same words over gets tiresome, you want to change up the words and also use vibrant ones.

There isn't much else I can say, you have great potential! If you need me for anything feel free to message me.