Published June 14, 2011
I wrote this poem a few minutes ago because I have to go to the dentist today and I was nervous about it, as dumb as that sounds. I'm getting braces put on mid-July so I have to go for a cleaning before I get them. I couldn't sleep because I was nervous so I decided to write my fears into this totally cheesy poem. XD Sorry it's so long and stupid, I wrote it at about 6 a.m., running on no sleep. 
As I sit here in this room
Growing nervous with the wait
I kinda start to feel like
I'm being held for fish's bait.
As the assistant walks in,
With a clipboard and a smile,
She politely calls my name:
The victim is now on trial.
I walk back to the chamber
Slowly take a seat
She smiles down at me
And I begin to feel the heat
Although she makes small talk
She immediately goes to the head
Putting her grabby hands on me
Making me wish I was dead.
She opens my mouth and tells me
To give her my cheesiest grin
My head and heart
Begin chaotically to spin.
For a minute she just looks
Seeing whatever it is she sees
And my shaking begins to fall
All the way down to my knees.
Laying there in the chair
My mouth an open plate
It takes me absolutely everything
Just to keep my nerves straight.
Why would someone
Want to do this for a living?
Doing a job that just seems so
Merciless and unforgiving.
I know my teeth are crooked;
They're certainly not the best.
But do you really have to
Put my bravery to the test?
Why are these tools in my mouth?
I wonder if I could fake
Some kind of heart attack
To get me out of this place.
I shouldn't be afraid
To get my teeth cleaned.
I feel like such a wimp!
Man, I'm almost fifteen!
But what if there's a problem?
What diagnosis will she make?
I can't help being scared,
My health is at stake!
When the torture is over,
Mom goes up to pay
And I start to wonder,
Couldn't I have stayed home today?
For all the torture I went through,
These appointments should be free.
I mean who do they think they are,
Putting their hands on ME?
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I like the idea of this, and I think it's fantastic you let out your fears and nerves int a poem - reminds me of myself
Apart from that, I liked it, nice idea and again, lovely that you dealt with the fear by writing.
Although I really like the way you contrasted between a very violent and cruel image of a dentist with normal language and situations, I have to say the metre was a little off for me. Some of the lines could have flowed more nicely one onto the other, and at times certain lines were too long or too short. But that's mostly structural issues - and I apologize, I'm being picky
Thanks so much for commenting on this and helping me fix it; this was my rough draft of it and I just sorta wrote it down as it came to me and didn't edit a lot. So when I finished I jumped on the computer to post it, haha. All of the things you guys said were about the parts I was a little iffy on. It's funny because I was trying so hard not to make it sound forced, that's practically what I worried about the entire time I wrote it, but I still think it sounds forced anyway. Then again I'm naturally critical.
I don't write my poems with rhyme, but since I knew I was going to turn this into something cheesy I wanted to add rhyme to it. But anyway, I'll go ahead and make some changes to it...
Ooh, I like this! It needs a bit of cleaning up but I think your rhyming for the most part is good and it lends a nice tone to it, and it's pretty well written. I would say that some lines sound a little too long or too short and this interrupts the flow, so try to make each line roughly the same length - it might help to count the syllables or read it out loud. In a couple of places your rhyming is slightly iffy, e.g. cleaned and fifteen, which if I were you, I would spell out as a word rather than numbers; it just looks better that way. But if you tidy up the flow a bit and double check your rhyming to make sure things definitely rhyme, I think this could be really good. Great work!
You really have a way of showing your emotions on paper. For a piece you quickly wrote while waiting on the dentist it was pretty good. It flowed alot but some parts in the poem felt forced.
Good luck with the braces..........look at the bright side at least in the future you'll have a nice smile.
Hey There Gorgeeous.
I Loved it. I, too, have fear of the dentist, and im also, nearly 15 ^^;
I agree with what was said above, but in the whole, mainly i really enjoyed it, although the thoughts of the dentist made me freak abit. I love it especially the fact that you were basically jotting down your fears and this was at 6 am. Very, VERY well done. Its well written and i really enjoyed it.
Black Ink x.
hey
for what you claim to be "jotting down of fears" this is wonderfully lyrical (haha, exactly like the forum says!) and flows really, really nicely. Your rhyme scheme and metre balance fantastically, and I honestly very much enjoyed reading this, and so I only have a couple of things to pick out, and they're rather miniscule 
So, tiny thing number one:
My issue here is "fishes", because fish doesn't have a plural
This isn't even a niggle, it's a suggestion that maybe a colon after name would add punch to your final line:
"She politely calls my name:
The victim is now on trail." (by the way, I loved these two lines)
Probably the commonest "mistake", so common even the BBC newsreaders make it, but maybe it's something you want to think about? Technically, we're not supposed to put the adverb between the "to" and the "spin" bits of the verb - it's called a split infinitive, and when speaking I do it, my friends do it, my teachers do it. But when writing, it is worth considering (even if it sounds a bit odd to your ears at first, you'll soon adjust) so instead maybe:
"My head and heart
Begin chaotically to spin."
So that's it - I loved it, and I hope it wasn't as bad as you feared, and good luck with your braces! My sister had them, and they were a little uncomfortable at first but she really quickly got used to them and now her teeth are really beautiful