hey there tay ...
nice story, it's creepy , and interesting , love it
keep up the good scary stories
smile 
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
( Please read and tell me if you like it or not. Do not remind me about the spelling errors. This is just a draft )
Malefic Shanty..
By fall of 2013 we have arrived to our new house. We had neighbors but they were anti-social. While I was walking I came across a man with blood shot eyes looking at us. My father told me “ Just keep on walking and pay him no mind.” Every one in this small town acted strange , they would just stand there and stare. And when I say every one I mean every one. It's like they were poisoned or something. Well I really didn't care has long as I had my cell phone and computer I was happy. I stride happily up stairs to my room, my new room. It was painted a peach color with a beautiful white line going across it. I fell back on my sky blue cotton silk bed and relaxed. I kind of relaxed to much because when I woke up it was mid-night.
The moon, oh that beautiful moon. It shine so brightly threw my curtains. I went to my window and saw something other than the moon. My soul jumped out of my body and got on the next train to heaven, my voice died before I can scream, my eyes wanted to cry but too scared to shed a tear. The whole town was standing in front of my house. They had some type of knife in there hand , I was to scared to go back to sleep. I called my boyfriend and stayed on the phone with him. His sweet virgin voice sound like heaven. Who knew to clueless virgins would be so in love. He asked what was I wearing, I told him. And after that his voice began to breathe heavily. I knew what he was doing or trying to do. But I didn't say anything about it. I told him I was tired. His voice wasn't so sweet any more. He told me someone was on the other line anyway. I said okay. Before he hanged up we prayed together and said "I love you". After that I fell deeply asleep.
The sun woke me up the next day. I was still tired though. I walked down stairs to get a glass of water. It was cold. To cold. The front door was wide open blood was all over the walls, but hey I was sleepy so I didn't pay that any mind. I went back to bed all snuggled up like a bug in a rug. I reached for my cell phone and called my boyfriend. I felt worried. Something told me this house this town this place wasn't right. Nine calls later and he still hasn't answered his phone. I soon began to question him. I laid on my bed and fell asleep. I had a mini horror dream. A man hands were around my neck killing my softly.
My eyes flash open I screamed MOM and turned around fast. My heart felt like my mind betray me and started to play tricks on me but oh no not this time everything was real. I was in my lace pj's holding my knees crying when a man came out my closet. He was to tall to be in there, I guess he was sitting. He smiled at me while he touched his chest. He had a axe. His eyes was red, to red. I backed up into the corner of my wall. My window was open. I had to think fast , but how? I was tired and sad. Should I jump out the window or let my head get cut off. He swung the axe at me and I....
To Be Continued.....
Tajsia Thompson
hey there tay ...
nice story, it's creepy , and interesting , love it
keep up the good scary stories
smile
Hi! Lucrezia here to review.
This piece left me a bit confused in places. I think it has potential, just work on the polish a bit and fix typos.
Speaking of typos…
"It shine so brightly threw my curtains."
Should be, "It shined so brightly through my curtains."
"They had some type of knife in there hand , I was to scared to go back to sleep."
Okay, here you write, "I was to scared to go back to sleep." This is a problem that's all throughout your story: You spell the word "too" as "to." They mean difference things. "Too" should be used like: "I was too shocked to notice," or "I wanted those shoes too." For everything else, basically you can always go with "to."
In this case, you should've written, "I was too scared to go back to sleep."
"They had some type of knife in there hand."
Should be, "They had some type of knife in their hands." (Note the difference between "there" and "their"… it's a bit tricky for me to explain all the different "theres," so just Google it.)
"Who knew to clueless virgins would be so in love."
This "to" should be "two." It's spelled with a W when you're talking about the actual number 2.
"Before he hanged up we prayed together." Hanged is acceptable when you're talking about someone actually being hanged, like with a noose. Otherwise it should be spelled "hung." If you're talking about someone hanging up the phone, it's always spelled "hung."
"He had a axe."
"A" should be "an." Most of the time, if you have a word that begins with a vowel, it's correct to put "an" in front of it rather than "a."
Anyway… I'd recommend going through and correcting the "to"s if nothing else. As the reviewer below me noted, some of the main character's reactions seem odd. She doesn't notice the blood because she's sleepy? Um, even when I'm exhausted I think I would notice blood on the walls. She calls her boyfriend after seeing the whole town outside with knifes?? Is that really a smart decision? Shouldn't she be curious as to what's going on? If you work on that and the flow of the story, it would be much smoother and more fun to read.
However, I think you've succeeded in making it creepy and I'm excited to read the next part. Sorry for all the nitpicks!
'The moon, oh that beautiful moon. It shine so brightly threw my curtains.' ' my voice died before I can scream,'. These were the few things that I found wrong with this piece and I think that I got them all.
This was really good besides the fact that there are so many mistakes. It honestly is an interesting idea. I really want to read more, mostly because you left a cliff hanger. This was very interesting, I did think that you went a little fast with the story. Other than that this is brilliant. Your main chracter is well developed, but some of her reactions don't make sense.
Hey! Deadman here for a review today! I'd first like to welcome you to YWS, and I hope you are finding your way okay. If you need any help shoot me a PM and I'll help out the best I can. Now time to talk about your story.
It's confusing the heck out of me. I haven't decided what tense you're writing in, and I'm not sure if you have decided either. There are issues with your tenses everywhere in the piece. It makes it a hard read, and I think it would be best if you wrote this in past tense. This also seems really jumpy, and lacks detail. If I went through this and tried to fix every error I would be hitting almost every other word, because of the tense issues. So I'm not going to to that, I'm just going to let you know that you have tons of those issues.
"Before he hanged up we " My only comment on this would be, hanged is now only referred to as someone being strung up to be executed. Since this particular spot is in past tense, this should be hung.
This piece was rather fast paced, and there was little background too it. We started off with the main character moving to a new house, with weird neighbors, to her being unable to sleep and the whole town outside her house holding knives, and then to a morning with blood on the front door that the girl IGNORED, and then to a man hiding in her closet about to kill her! It jumped so fast, there were very few details and and little background. Combine all of that with the tense issues, the reader will have to struggle through this piece to make sense of it. Be sure to read your own piece, and if you can do it out loud. If you do that, and struggle to read it, then something is probably wrong and needs fixed.
This piece is interesting, don't get me wrong, but it would be so much better if you slowed it down, and fixed the tense issues. If you do all of that this would be a great piece to read, and I'm sure the next parts will be too. I do look forward to watching you develop as a writer, and I look forward to your next few works. Try not to take what I said to harshly, and I hope I helped you. Until next time, happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
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