Yikes... that sentence left me feeling pretty sad. It definitely served its purpose in giving the reader emotion, especially fear and sadness for characters we don't even know the names of.
People have already mentioned a few of the small errors like needing 'worthless' in quotes and the deleting the comma after 'me'. But I have one suggestion.
I enter his room and find his inanimate eyes looking back at me
When you describe the boy's eyes as 'inanimate', my first impression was that the narrator's son was a stuffed animal. Words like 'lifeless' and 'non-seeing' might be a little clearer and grab your readers' attention better.
Overall, this was an interesting piece of nano-fiction. It generates much more emotion and response than a simple, "And he died."
Points: 26
Reviews: 64
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