Hours after calling my son Worthless, among other names, I enter his room and find his inanimate eyes looking back at me, from the ceiling.
Yikes... that sentence left me feeling pretty sad. It definitely served its purpose in giving the reader emotion, especially fear and sadness for characters we don't even know the names of. People have already mentioned a few of the small errors like needing 'worthless' in quotes and the deleting the comma after 'me'. But I have one suggestion.
I enter his room and find his inanimate eyes looking back at me
So my impression from reading this was that a parent and son had a terrible fight, in which the parent (I couldn't tell if it was the mother or father) insulted the son and called him worthless, and afterwards the son committed suicide. :'(I was taken aback at how short it was, and how sudden, sad, and chilling the ending was, but it's definitely realistic. This has probably happened more than once in the real world. When it comes to the writing of the single sentence, I don't believe "worthless" should be capitalized, and I don't think the comma at the ending was necessary. I feel like the ending part would more correctly be written, assuming it's supposed to be in present tense, "I enter his room to find his inanimate eyes looking back at me from the ceiling." Still, not much change needed.
Hello, Tawsift. I want to leave a review on this short story. I interpreted it as someone to pay mind in what they say because they never know how they are making the other person feel or react to it.I thought it was going to take a turn for the better yet it did not. The end still took me by surprise.You should take into consideration to make your stories longer than just a couple of sentences, even though it was very short it still encouraged me to read till the end, and if you make your short stories a bit longer it might keep us readers hooked for your upcoming works. In my opinion this short story needed a little bit more context for us readers to understand the plot. At the same time it doesn't take a genius to understand what happened...Overall I look forward to your works in the future, keep up the good work. =)
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),And I'm back to review another nano fiction of yours. Got to say I've reviewed quite a few of your works in the past week or so.First Impression: Sheez...this one is dark. The previous one was open to interpretation but this one can take no direction other than the the path of the darkness.Anyway let's get to it,
Huzzah and greetings Tawsif, I'm intrigued by this micro-fiction piece. It's a teeny-tiny story, contained in one sentence. I'd love to hear a bit more background on why you're writing this, it's context, intention etc. I think this story can be interpreted a couple ways -> 1) After the son was called 'worthless' they committed suicide by hanging themselves -> thus the "inanimate eyes" hanging from the ceiling. ^ From that interpretation, it's a really tragic story. Especially because it's told from the point of view of the father. I think the detail of "inanimate" is the most catching - it's brutal and sad.. 2) I suppose it could be interpreted as the son being some sort of non-human that they were somehow able to be on the ceiling? I don't think this one makes as much sense. A suggestion -> when you say, "calling my son worthless" you should put "worthless" in quotes since it's a quote. Also I think you're intention of writing this story is to be very concise, but I think this story begs more context - I want to know so much more about their relationship, about why they called them worthless etc. In the end I think the moral of this very short story is to consider the power that ones' words have on others, which is a perfect moral for a story with very few words, where each is written out so precisely. Good luck in your future writings - I'd like to see a whole collection of these short stories!- COMMANDER
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