z

Young Writers Society



Renegades

by Tatra


Renegades

Jeremiah glanced back at his guide, who had lead him through this massive place, before knocking on the door in front of him. Jeremiah then waited a minute, but no one answered. He glanced back at his guide once again, only to discover that his guide had disappeared.

Jeremiah sighed and knocked on the door. Still no answer, so he opened the door.

“Can I help you?” Asia Knox asked, not even bothering to look up from her paperwork.

“Jeremiah Elsworth, Clan representative.” Jeremiah stepped into the office and closed the door behind himself.

“What Clan?” Asia asked, finally looking up at him.

“The Astor Clan,” Jeremiah answered.

“Ah, yes, the Hawk Clan,” Asia replied. “You’re a new representative, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Arnold was cleared for negotiations, I’m here to inspect your organization before we sign,” Jeremiah answered, clutching the handle of his briefcase while he spoke.

“Arnold did say that you would come, I remember now.” Asia smiled at him.

“This is really just a formality, I’m sure that the Clan will sign with you,” Jeremiah reassured, glancing around the office.

“As am I.” Asia stood up, walked around her cluttered desk, and motioned to the door. “Shall we?”

“Lead the way,” Jeremiah replied, opening the door for her.

“I know you saw parts of this facility on your way down here,” Asia said as she passed him.

“Yes, but I must say that I’m glad to have a guide like you. The guide that took me down here didn’t point anything out, and this is such an interesting place,” Jeremiah replied.

They started walking, Asia setting a swift pace that Jeremiah easily followed. “Most of the rooms on the path that you were taken on were mostly offices and restrooms. Nothing stellar to point out there,” Asia explained.

“The entrance of your facility opens up to your offices? Is that really such a smart thing when you’re planning something like this?” Jeremiah asked. He continued to clutch at his briefcase while he looked around.

“This facility has many entrances, you just used the one that made the most sense for who you are. Plus, you had a guide with you the whole time,” Asia answered.

“How do you know that I didn’t lose the guide and explore on my own?” Jeremiah asked, finally looking at Asia.

“Every guest who enters this facility must have a guide with them, no matter who they are and what they are here for. No one loses their guides, but, in any case, I know that you still had your guide because I wasn’t alerted to anything different.” Asia didn’t even pause as she answered, she had control of her operation and she knew it.

Jeremiah stayed silent for a few more minutes, knowing that he was toeing the line. Asia took the time to point out some important features of her facility: the men’s room, a game room, a break room, and the cafeteria.

Asia paused when they reached the cafeteria. “Would you like something? I know that this is a strange hour for you, usually.”

“No, thank you,” Jeremiah absently replied, his attention focused on the room before him. “How many people do you have here?”

The cafeteria was a large room, capable of seating over two hundred people. There was an eclectic array of furniture, from single tables to long rows of tables.

“A fair amount; you can’t take over the Supernatural community in one day,” Asia chided.

“I just wasn’t aware that you had so many people,” Jeremiah replied.

“They don’t show up all at once.” Asia motioned toward the group of three people, who were sitting near the entrance, as an example.

The small group captured Jeremiah’s attention and he refrained from answering in order to hear what the group was talking about.

“I now pronounce this week’s meeting of ‘The Weird Name Club’ started,” one of the men at the table said.

“Weird Name Club?” Jeremiah whispered to Asia. This wasn’t what he expected to hear at all.

“They have to amuse themselves some how,” Asia replied. She leaned against the doorframe, willing to allow Jeremiah a chance to observe. It wasn’t the best representation of her followers, but it didn’t really matter.

“Now’s the part where we would usually read over the ending minutes of the last meeting, but all that happened then was Devin’s protests that his name wasn’t that weird,” the only female of the group said.

“I resent that, you know,” the man on her left, Devin, said.

“It’s true, we did spend the last five minutes of our meeting arguing about whether or not you had a weird name,” the woman replied.

“I don’t have a weird name.” Devin sank down into his chair, pouting.

“Then why are you here, if your name isn’t weird?” the man on the woman’s right asked.

“I couldn’t abandon you two, friends stick by friends,” Devin answered.

“Especially friends with weird names,” the woman added.

“My name is not weird, it’s not like ‘Rockwell’ or ‘Leilani,’” Devin protested, motioning to the man on his left and the woman to his right in turn.

“And ‘Orestes’ isn’t a weird name?” Rockwell retorted.

“My name’s Devin,” Devin yelped, straightening up in his seat.

“That’s not what your birth certificate says,” Rockwell taunted, leaning forward to smirk at his friend.

“We’d better get a move on,” Asia broke in, steering Jeremiah away from the cafeteria doors. “That argument could go on forever.”

“What was all of that about?” Jeremiah asked, bewildered.

“There’s a reason why those two joined me, although I try not to think about it,” Aisa said, instead of explaining what Jeremiah wanted to know. “Now, here’s the War Room.”

“The War Room?” Jeremiah asked, his attention immediately refocused and the group in the cafeteria forgotten.

“This is where I consult with my advisers, plan out my strategies and attacks, and brief new members.” Asia glanced at Jeremiah out of the corner of her eye. “Normally, I wouldn’t allow visitors in here, but I could make an exception.”

“My superiors did want me to inspect the whole facility, and this is an important room,” Jeremiah replied, holding his breath at the end of it.

“Well, then, we can’t disappoint your superiors, can we? The Astor Clan is an important clan, with a very high place on the council.” Asia opened the War Room doors and turned on the lights. “Shall we?”

Jeremiah stepped forward eagerly, his eyes flitting from place to place. He fought to keep his arms from trembling as he took in the large maps that decorated the walls. Clusters of colored tacks were stuck on one of the maps, though Jeremiah didn’t know the reason why. Other maps only detailed parts of the city, specifically the areas where the supernatural beings gathered.

Asia stepped past Jeremiah and headed over to the oval table in the middle of the room. “So, what do you think?”

“What are the pins for?” Jeremiah asked. He moved over to the map, but stayed back from it, switching his hold on his briefcase.

“The whole thing is the schematics for our next job,” Asia answered.

“What’s the job?” Jeremiah asked, absorbed in trying to figure out the map.

“There’s this one Clan that is proving to be very difficult, so we’re going to do something about it.” Asia picked up a file from the table and flicked through it.

“The Radulf Clan,” Jeremiah said to himself, leaning forward to trace a line of pins.

“What about the Radulf Clan,” Asia quietly asked.

“They know that they’re next on the list of targets, they just don’t know when or how the attack will come,” Jeremiah absently replied.

“And how is it that you know this?” Asia continued, silently approaching him.

“What?” Jeremiah asked as he turned to see Asia. He paled as he remembered what he had said. “I just know it. I mean, everyone has heard about this, haven’t they?”

“The Council Guards must be getting pretty desperate, sending an amateur in to spy for them,” Asia stated.

“Really, I am the Astor Representative,” Jeremiah continued to stumble through an explanation. “So what if I’ve heard rumors, I’m just here on behalf of my Clan.”

“The thing is, Representative, is that those rumors are not heard by just anyone. Those rumors are only known to the Council Guards, by my orders,” Asia replied.

“Shit.” Jeremiah gripped his briefcase and tried to run from the room. However, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t move. “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry, Mister Elsworth, but I’m afraid I cannot allow you to return to the Council Guards.” Asia gently removed Jeremiah’s briefcase from his hand. “Especially not with this briefcase, and the camera concealed within it.”

“You knew?” Jeremiah asked, halting his efforts to escape in surprise.

“It wasn’t that hard to figure out,” Asia answered, moving to put the briefcase on the table.

“Why can’t I move?” Jeremiah asked, straining against whatever was holding him in place.

Asia ignored his struggles while she walked over to the door and opened it. “He’s ready for you, Buddy.”

A large man, Buddy, entered the room and approached Jeremiah. “Where do you want him?”

“One of our VIP cells, I think. We don’t want him to be too uncomfortable, but we can’t trust him in one of the suites,” Asia answered.

“Right,” Buddy replied. He grabbed Jeremiah’s arm and started pulling. To Jeremiah’s surprise, his feet started walking on their own, following Buddy out of the room.

“What are you?” Jeremiah asked Asia before he was pulled out of the room.

“The future ruler of every Supernatural being,” Asia answered, stepping back to allow them to pass.

Buddy sped up once they were out of the room, marching Jeremiah down the hallway. Jeremiah looked wildly around, trying to find some way of escaping. The only thing that he could do, besides aimlessly following Buddy, was slow their pace down.

‘If I can do that, then can I do this?’ Jeremiah dug his heels in, forcing them to a stop right in front of the cafeteria.

“Devin, your name was weird, get over it. Rockwell, Devin was smart enough to change his name, get over it. Let’s get back to our meeting.” Jeremiah heard Leilani say as he struggled to escape.

“I like my weird name,” Rockwell muttered.

“And there was a reason why I changed my name,” Devin replied.

“Good, now let’s get to the next topic of this meeting: recruiting,” Leilani said.

Buddy pulled on his arm and Jeremiah had to turn his focus over to just standing in one spot. Although, this time it wasn’t because he was spellbound by the meeting in the cafeteria.

“There are plenty of people who have weird names here,” Rockwell agreed.

“How about Buddy?” Devin asked.

“Buddy does have a weird name.” Leilani nodded.

“Although, I can’t understand why he chose it,” Devin said.

“That just proves he belongs in this club,” Rockwell replied.

Leilani glanced up at the entrance, just in time to see Buddy finally overpower Jeremiah. “I think he’s busy at the moment, we’ll ask him later,” Jeremiah heard before he was pulled away.

Buddy walked Jeremiah into an elevator and pressed the lowest button on the panel. Jeremiah’s heart sank with the elevator, there was no way to escape from the Renegade’s facility after being taken ten levels underground.


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User avatar
438 Reviews


Points: 2999
Reviews: 438

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Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:50 pm
JFW1415 wrote a review...



The (Side Characters) contest has finally ended, and here is your critique!

Anyways, I think I'll explain how I am scoring this before I read further than the title. I have made a set of guidelines:

Following the rules: /50
The side character story: /20
The side character: /20
The main character(s): /20
Originality/Theme/Style: /10
Dialogue: /20
Personal opinion: /5
Technical details: /5

And you will get an overall score (then turned to a percentage) based on that. I will post the scores you got, and explain why for each category. That way you'll know what to improve on.

However, these scores will not be publicly visible. You may discuss them if you wish, but I am putting a password on them. I will PM you with the password, and you will all get different ones.

That way, only first through third place will be announced. For forth through seventh, you will know that you were one of them, but you won't know which one. I figured that would be a bit kinder.

Also, I prefer to put my overall and nit-picks in an attachment, so that is also there. I can only attach one file, so it has a password, too. I would just PM you the scores, but I know that many people will accidentally delete the PM and then not be able to get to the critique, and I don't want that. Saying that, PM me if you need me to tell you the password again. I will save all of them, and it's easier that way than saving the overalls and getting mixed up in that.

Warning Number One: I am planning on doing a very thorough critique, as this is a contest prize. Meaning a comment on every tiny little thing. (And the scores are all low.)

Warning Number Two: I am not going to read through all of your previous comments, so don't yell at me if I repeat things.

(To everyone else: Yes, I write this same thing for all my critiques in this contest. But I swear the attachments have a real, detailed critique. I just wanted to put something here so I'd get points for the hard work, but I hate converting stuff from Word to here, especially since I'll be so thorough as this is a contest prize. I hope that's okay?)

Best of luck!

~JFW1415

(Make sure to PM me for anything at all, and check out The Side Characters Contest Page for more information on the winners.)




User avatar
280 Reviews


Points: 5890
Reviews: 280

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Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:13 am
Sumi H. Inkblot wrote a review...



Helloo, Tatra!

I like what you've got going here. It's an excellent beginning to a story, but I'd like to point out a few things.

Asia -- Like, the continent? XD That made me giggle. Is there a reason for the unusual name, or did you just pick it because?

Supernatural -- Why is it capped? Does the word "Supernatural" refer to a legion of people, an organization, or what?

Facility -- Overused here. Try substitutes or simply avoid using the term at all.

Said -- Do not be afraid of it! Said is your best friend. I see plenty of "answered", "replied" and "asked" here. You should let the dialogue speak for itself; the tags are only for clarity, and so "said" is key. It's neutral, allowing the conversation to fill the place it would be in, if you get my drift. You do seem to be getting the hang of simply using actions in the space of tags, which is excellent.

Here are a couple of specifics:

Jeremiah glanced back at his guide, who had le[s]a[/s]d him through this massive place, before knocking on the door in front of him. Jeremiah then waited a minute, but no one answered. He glanced back at his guide once again, only to discover that [s]his guide[/s]s/he had disappeared.

"his guide" is repeated three times within three sentences. You've got to remember that the reader is human, and, as such, easily bored. It's a constant fight to keep the reader's interest, and repetition ain't the way to do it. :D

You also seem to be inadvertently fond of the word "then". It's a pretty unnecessary word at the best of times, and must be used sparingly. In the above paragraph, it could be eliminated without mishap.

Something else, you're dropping in unneeded information at odd times. Doesn't the word "guide" imply that he was led somewhere? Trust in your words. :D
The first sentence was also somewhat run-on, and strange in my mental narrator's mouth. Re-write.

Jeremiah sighed and knocked [s]on the door[/s] again. Still no answer, [s]so[/s] and he opened the door.

“Can I help you?” Asia Knox asked, not [s]even[/s] bothering to look up from her paperwork.

“Jeremiah Elsworth, Clan representative.” Jeremiah stepped into the office and closed the door behind him[s]self[/s].

“What Clan?” Asia asked, finally looking up at him.

This is a tad awkward -- Jerry's introduced himself, she hasn't given her name. It's more official-seeming if she says her name.

“The Astor Clan,” Jeremiah answered.

“Ah, yes, the Hawk Clan,” Asia replied. “You’re a new representative, aren’t you?”


As only two characters have been introduced by name, and only two are speaking, we can assume that person X talks, and then person Y talks. This rends dialgoue tags useless. Please take that into consideration.
Also!
Jeremiah this, Jeremiah that. :P You can use "he", as Mr. Elsworth is the only male character in the scene.

Astor = Hawk? Clarity!

I like how Asia goes from neutral to assumed evil in one sentence. It makes me want to know what happens.

Bearing all that in mind with an effective edit, this will shine. Just remember the principles I've outlined and keep alert when writing. Prevention means you won't have to clean up. ;)

So, la-de-dah: PM me if you have any questions or comments on my review or if you'd like me to critique something else (link, please!), and especially if you update. So much easier to keep track on both sides. :D

Cheers!
~Sumi





First you broke my moustache, now you break my heart.
— MaybeAndrew