A slow caress of adoration
that initially likens my sexual arousment
A gentle breeze of armorous lust
The unreluctant devotion of the intensity when being reborn
During a euphoria of two in fussion
A moment...
Again another...
The haste...and the prolonged...
of appitite...
of lasciviousness...
of a degree greater than life itself
One touch
One kiss
One stoke of passion
One whisper...
Three words...
Last a detonation of intimacy
Until again we encounter this desire...
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I respect the criticism, but clearly you have absolutely no idea what these words mean or even what it is like to make love, not have 'sex'. I suggest you take a dictionary, look up the words and learn the meaning of these words so that you can understand what each line means. This poem was checked by several poetry teachers of mine and has never gotten a response such as this one. I will not comment further, but please try not to make a fool of yourself any further.
Okay... so I really don't get this. The constant use of ... is distracting, and using a ton of periods isn't going to make me not notice how poorly written this is.
Honestly, this just seems like you mashed together a lot of sexual words. This poem doesn't sound sexy, it sounds forced and a little sleazy. Poetry isn't just saying random words on different lines. Poetry is making rhythm with your words. It's using intricate language to convey and emotion or paint a picture or tell a story. This just seems like random disjointed phrases and words.
Sexual poems must be carefully written, or they end up... well, like this one. Sex in poetry cannot be conveyed in a carefree manner. You mention lust in this poem. That in itself can be a poem. Lust isn't something you can put in one line. It's a feeling, an incredibly intense feeling, that you have to make us feel through your words.
Do you see what I'm saying? Sex isn't just something you can write about in passing, or it'll sound sleazy. It's like what distinguishes porn from a tastefully done scene in a good film. You really shouldn't write about it unless you really know what you're doing.
Right now, this is just a lot of words put together. It's not a good poem- I don't think you can even call it poetry at this stage. Keep working on things I've just told you about. Read examples on-line. Do research. Practise! With a lot of work, you can improve. Best of luck.
Cheers!
-Tori
Hi,
Wow. Amazing. Just phenominal. I think I spelled that right..... Oh well. that was just unforgetable. You used power in your words. I read it probably 8 times haha. I hope you write more :]
Farewell,
A.