Published June 17, 2011
The stillness of the world surrounds me
Arousing only the life that exists around it
But not me
I am the outcast the doubt,
the temptation and its death
But never its life
Slow..suttle movements
Vivid images in the distance
I am 1
I am invisible to my own kind Including all others
So, i stand as 1, live as 1, breath as 1..
I remain 1
My hands shake and his steady..
My soul begins to break.. and his as one
My earth begins to collide and his.. untouched
I tremble at the thought of you..
I ache at the sight of you
I vanish just hearing your voice
I am non-existant.. and to you
I am worthless.
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Generally, I thought I was a very moving piece.
Anyway, this has to be the first piece I have commented on in a while because I thought it was worth commenting on. i loved it 
I may be swayed by the fact that I can almost relate to what you are talking about...but that's gotta be a good thing right? having people relate?
That was vary deep and touching. I loved it keep writeing!
I think everyone covered the grammar and spelling and stuff. But I just wanted to say that I could really feel the emotion in this poem. With the breaks and short lines you put in there, it felt like you were writing it down as you were experiencing it. I love work like that. You have a lot of potential. Keep writing!
Hi Tarshni, that I must say is a great work and I love your use of expression and you deserve around of applause. But I will like to add that at some point your poem became confusing, take for example the first two lines
"The stillness of the world surrounds me
Arousing only the life that exists around it "
Your use of "it" there is confusing I don't know if you are trying to use personification there but it really doesn't work it makes the first line obsolete, you need to make us understand what is been surrounded, you or the world.
Also after "I am the outcast" please put a comma.
Something else I also noticed in the poem is that you created two different ideas and tried to make it one which real did not work well, you could easily have created two interesting poems from this one poem. what I mean is, for line 1 to line 12 is the tale of the poet suffering from the condition of the world not taking note of her, but from line 13 till the end tell of something different, so dear Tarshni you can still do more with this poem if you put your mind to it.
And once again I love your expressions they inspire me
sorry about that, I do know all that you are telling me, I actually had it short for sumwhere else that i posted it, completly forgot to change it. Thanks!!
Hey there!
I noticed some grammatical errors there, ahmedBurroj has pointed out the spelling errors. So, I'll go on about the ellipses, generally ellipses have three full stops and having two full stop isn't an ellipse and it's not a full stop either. I'd suggest that you add an extra dot to all your ellipses because so far, I can only see two in all of them.
Another thing you have to remember is that generally when writing numbers are spelled out. Like:
Would be written like this:
It's not only the correct way to write it, it also makes you look smarter and it makes the poem flow and look better. Because if you don't spell it out, it makes you look like either you can't be bothered to spell, or you have no idea what you're doing. The only time you don't spell numbers out is when you're writing dates or times, then it's fine to use numbers.
I'd also suggest that you read through your poem carefully before submitting it in, I can see that you've missed out some capitals.
Here:
And here:
That's all. Keep writing!