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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

The Alpha's Sniper Chapter 2

by TanyaStender


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Chapter 2:

The team stood without their captain to receive a medal of honor, but the ten muscular men just wanted to get out of their and stay by their captain’s side. He had now been in a coma for a week and sometimes his heart stopped by the many bullet holes. The men blamed themselves for their blunder and could not forgive themselves. They had one thing to do and that was protect him even over a mission where lives could be lost. They did not care for glory, their rank or medals, the only thing that they cared about was there commander – the one to lead them all.

When the ‘meeting’ with the president was over and done with, the men; Jake, Luca, Sion, Felix, Jonah, Jakob, Heon, Simon, Tom and Bian headed to the hospital.

(The ten men were all ripped with muscle.

Jake had black hair and eyes being Japanese, he also had white-ish skin under a lot of muscle as he was the most muscular out of the ten. With a height of 6,4.

Luca was Afro-American with dark skin, dark brown hair and green eyes, with a height of 6,6.

Sion had blond hair with green eyes and a height of 6,3.

Felix and Jonah was twins and looked almost identical with dirty blond hair and black eyes with a height of 6,1.

Jakob had dark red hair that looked like his hair was on fire. He had pale skin when he joined the army, but it was now tanned and green eyes. With a height of 6,8.

Heon had dark green hair which was natural with pale green eyes, tanned skin and a height of 6,2.

Simon had dark hair with a blue shine, tanned skin and had a height of 6,6.

Tom was like the second leader of the team if something should happen. He had brown hair and eyes with slightly tanned skin and had a height of 6,5.

Bian was British with ginger hair and blue eyes, with a height of 6,2.

Last but not least was their captain Jean Pierce with extremely rare white hair and ocean blue eyes which could be filled with warmth or icy cold. He stood at a height of 6,3. He was also called the Canary.

Together this team was The Black Ivy.)

The hospital staff knew them by now and let them pass without any complications. Jake opened the door and they saw their captain wrapped on bandages with wires sticking out from his arms, shoulder, legs and hip. They had never seen their captain look so vulnerable – not weak, because that was not a category to define him.

Luckily there were couches in the room where they could sit and they did. Tom and Jake was the only ones to go to their captain and take his hands, hoping for a squeeze in return. What the two men did not expect was exactly that. After a few minutes they felt a small squeeze, Tom and Jake suddenly stood quickly from their chair knocking it over in the process and in the meanwhile gaining the attention from the others.

“What happened? Why so jumpy?” The question brought Tom out of his trance and looked at Bian who had asked the question. Without answering he began starring at Jean to see if they had been wrong. There went by about two minutes before Tom and Jake let out a long sigh. “I guess we were wrong.” Without looking at the others they started picking up their chair when they heard a gasp from the others. Jake wrinkled his eyebrows and looked at the others to see surprised faces coated with happiness. They were staring behind the two clueless men until they heard a voice “Are you just going to stand there and look stupid or figure out that I have woken up?”

By hearing their captain’s voice Tom and Jake quickly turned around and looked at the man lying on the bed awake and smiling. They both looked at each other and back at their captain before a smile spread across their face. “CAPTAIN!” Everyone yelled, probably waking everyone that was sleeping in the hospital. “Jeez thanks for making me unable to hear.” The captains remark was ignored as Jakob was running out of the room calling for a doctor. While Jean got surrounded by the rest of his team “It is good to see you awake! We thought we almost had to kiss you to wake up” ...“If you did that I would have killed you even in my sleep.”...”Well guys looks like our captain hasn’t changed in his beauty sleep. Even though he was out for a week.” Jean was surprised by hearing that had been out a week and they had probably been worried to death as he would have been if it was one of them. Then Jean remembered what happened when he was shot and lost consciousness. “What happened to the mission? Where it completed?” Jean looked around and his eyes fell on Heon as he answered his question. “Yes, the mission was a success beside you being shot of course captain.” Jean relaxed at that. Completing a mission means that everyone made it out of their alive.

Suddenly the door opened revealing the doctor and Jakob as they walked into the room. “Hello Mr. Pierce. My name is Dr. Stefan. How are you feeling?” Jean looked at the doctor; he had blond hair and brown eyes. He also looked about 5,8. Overall a handsome human being. Jean knew that the hospital he was put in had human and werewolves working there. Of course the humans new of the werewolves and were on the most part mated to a werewolf. Stefan noticed Jean checked him out, but he did not know if it was to see if he was a threat and wanted to remember as much as possible or if he was interested in him. When Jean was done checking if he had any weapons on him he moved his gaze to the doctor’s eyes. “I am fine, the only thing bothering me are all these wires, can you possibly take them out as I am now awake?” Stefan’s eyes traveled to the wires and could understand his question as approximately twelve wires were sticking out of him from three to four places.

“Yes. I can, but I would like to do it with only the two of us in the room, if that is okay.” By the answer from the doctor Jean know he had something to tell him which he wasn’t sure that he wanted my family to know as of yet. He nodded and the captain’s team was beginning to move out of the door. After they were outside and the door was closed, Jean looked at the doctor and could detect sadness in his eyes. Jean already knew then that it was something really bad and he knew it was something to do with his legs, because he could not move them since he woke up. He had hoped that it was the medicine, but his luck had run out.

“Will I be able to walk again?” Jean’s question shocked Dr. Stefan because he didn’t expect him to firstly know about it and secondly being so before coming about the matter. Stefan was indeed fascinated about the man’s observing skills “I do not know, but it is highly unlikely even if you are a werewolf. When you were shot the two bullets to the hip and shoulder would not be a problem, but the one close to your spinal cord was. The bullet hole damaged your bones and most importantly your nerves. There are only half of the nerves left in your back that is working to their ultimate effect. If you train at a steady pace and do not put too much pressure on your back, then you have a change of walking with crutches, but as I told you, it was highly unlikely.”

Stefan stared at the ex-marines face and to see his reaction, but he did not have any. The man’s face was blank, but he could see a great deal of emotions behind his eyes. While Stefan had explained the situation to the captain he was in the meanwhile been removing all the wires expect the IV to make sure, the captain did not get dehydrated. “What should I tell your team? You know they deserve to know. You are very important to them.” Jean nodded his head and told Dr. Stefan to leave. He had permission to tell he others after he left the room, but only to them. There was no way in hell that he wanted pity from anyone and he know his team would not give that to him; they would be devastated instead. Jean looked out of the window trying to uphold his blank face, but failing miserably. He watched at his poker face dissolved and a tear left his eyes then followed by others.

The only question was now: what would happen now, how could he survive this?!

After being told about their captain’s situation everyone was holding back their tears. Why did this happen? And why to him of all people? That was the thoughts running around in every man’s head. They headed for their captain’s hospital room to be there for him, but what made them freeze was hearing the soft cries of their captain through the door. They looked at each other shock present on their face. No matter how tough everything was, they have never heard the cries of their captain… Everyone slid down the wall. Their hearts breaking, while hearing their captain’s soft cries behind the door. 


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117 Reviews


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 11:07 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Heya, Feather here to review!

So first: again, I really like the story. The plot, the ideas- all really great. However, I did catch some errors. My first bit of advice is this: read through and double-check it. I caught some spelling, tense-changing, and P.O.V changing (from third to first person) errors.

Secondly, every time someone speaks it should be a new paragraph.

Third, while I like the story and idea, it feels very detached. I'm not feeling it with the characters. I think if you slowed down you could portray the devastation of the captain much more emotionally, the fear and love of the men for their leader more deeply. Just slow down, and add in a paragraph or two of description. For instance, where you say: "The only question was: what would happen now? How could he survive this?!" You could elongate it and add more, so it reads something like
"The only question was: what would happen now? How could he survive this?! His whole life he'd been working in the military, helping his country, but now what? He'd lost his ability to walk, and with it, his career, his future. Devastated, he lost the last flicker of hope he'd had that he would be able to go back to his old life." Or however he would feel.

Lastly, INFO DUMP. You give a lot of information on the characters, physical descriptions in particular. Instead, I suggest introducing it gradually. When you mention Jake for the first time in this, say something like: "Jake- the largest of the men- opened the door." This helps give information as needed, and it lets the reader retain it better.

Keep on writing- I'll be watching for more!

-Featherstone9086




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440 Reviews


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 6:34 pm
Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hello again! I thought I'd stop by to read at least one more chapter. I have to know what happens to our hero Jean!

the ten muscular men just wanted to get out of their

Rather than "their," this should say "there."
Jake, Luca, Sion, Felix, Jonah, Jakob, Heon, Simon, Tom and Bian

Those are really cool names! I hope that eventually I'll get to know each of them personally and learn what their different personalities are like. So far, the only person I know is Jake - he's the one who caught his captain when he fell. It's good that you give a physical description of each of the characters, but such listing will not stick long in the mind of the reader. Throughout your book, remember to reinforce these descriptions, with simple things like "Heon brushed his green hair off his forehead" sprinkled in here and there.
he also had white-ish skin under a lot of muscle

His skin is under his muscles? I hope not!

Whenever a new character speaks, remember to start a new paragraph.
Completing a mission means that everyone made it out of their alive.

Again, "their" should be "there."
Of course the humans new of the werewolves and were on the most part mated to a werewolf.

"New" should be "knew." I don't understand this sentence. Humans are mated to a werewolf? Huh?

Aww, this is so bittersweet! The captain may be unlucky to never have to walk again, but he is certainly lucky to have such loving friends in his soldiers. Whatever lies ahead for the captain, he will have ten best friends at his side to support him every step (or, uh, wheelchair scoot) of the way.

At the moment, I can't tell where this book is going. The main character is paralyzed, but safe from immediate danger because he won't be in combat for a long time. The captain's injury is certainly a conflict for him, but it seems to be something that can't be resolved, and thus something that has to be put on the back-burner. As we move onto the third chapter, it's still not clear what the main conflict of the novel is. Who or what is the over-arching antagonist? That's something that should have been hinted at by now. Maybe it's IS, but because Jean is paralyzed that seems unlikely.

The character development was, of course, much stronger in this chapter. I'm not a fan of the listing format, however. Appearances should be presented in a more fluid, narrative fashion. (Again, stuff like "Heon brushed his green hair off his forehead" everywhere rather than "Heon has green hair.")





The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451