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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

The Alpha's Sniper

by TanyaStender


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Prologue

Jean Pierce has been in the military since he was 18, which now makes it 10 years. He is the captain of his own team of 10 strong men at 6 feet something. Jean himself is 6’3. Jean and his team have been together the last 5 years and are all werewolves, but rank to them does not matter.

On a mission in Syria to put a stop to IS, Jean is shot by protecting a child who was in the warzone. Jean was transmitted to the hospital, but because of his slow healing, they could not save the damage and Jean is now linked to a wheelchair in rehabilitation.

Jean and his team have chosen to retire and find a place to live together. They moved to Florida and bought a big house for all of them with the necessary tools for Jean to get around easier. Jean and his team are famous and they are called The Black Ivy. Jean himself is called by another name, Canary, for his achievements in the military, and for his sniping which is top notch.

Eric is the alpha of the Crimson Moon Pack and has yet to find his mate even after 10 years of searching all over the earth. He is now forced to move back to Florida because he has to take care of his pack and cannot be away any longer. He is 6’6 feet. He and his pack are very close and consider themselves family. Eric even being on edge goes back home to accept his responsibility as alpha and pour his heart into taking care of his pack, even without his mate.

Chapter one:

Shots were fired all around. Bodies falling on the floor with their eyes still open from the shock, their face still filled with pain and helplessness. A group moved down the street. A group of eleven all with weapons ready to kill the enemy. The captain of the group threw his clenched hand up in the air and the whole group stopped while forming a circle so a surprise attack was not possible. The guns pointing in all directions.

There was suddenly a deadly silence in the street and it got the men to be on their toes. All thinking about protecting their captain who was the most important in their eyes. The captain thought different in that aspect, he believed that nobody should die on his watch and that their lives was more important than his own. Some of them even had families and mates waiting for them. The captain was the only one that didn’t have that including two of the guys from their group. They had all found their mates on the missions that was assigned to them around the world. This team was namely not a normal squad in the military, they were called The Black Ivy because of all their rescue missions and their success every time, without a fail.

The men all had their focus and moved further down the road being extra cautious of danger. Their mission this time was to rescue a group of hostages that have been taken by the IS when they were in vacation in Syria. They had to rescue 5 prisoners in the town Al-Qamishli which was now overrun with IS troops. The Black Ivy had to find a cabin in the middle of the town square and get the prisoners out and safely escorted back to a helicopter on the outskirts of town.

The captain threw his hand up in the air for the second time when he saw the cabin with the prisoners. He turned around 90 degrees so he still had a view of the square. The captain looked his team in the eyes and started making hand gestures. Four from the team was told to go around the square to look for any unwelcomed guests the last six was said to wait for a report back saying everything was all right.

After waiting a few minutes there was a call over the radio saying everything was in the clear. The captain told the men to wait until he was in a safe position where he had a clear view over the square if anyone should dare to attack. Walking around a house the captain found a staircase leading up to the roof. When arriving at the roof he saw that there was a perfect view and laid down on his stomach while afterwards putting his gun in front of him.

The captain gave a signal through the radio that he was ready and then saw that the six men slowly approached the cabin waiting for danger like he had trained them, you could never be sure that there was no danger, always be ware. The men finally reached the cabin and stormed inside, there were heard a few shots and two men tried escaping but they did not get far. The captain had them in his sight and it was not long after that their bodies was lying dead on the ground. A perfect head shot.

The six men came out of the cabin with three men, one woman and a little girl all looking around terrified. The little girl clung onto what was believed to be her mother with a tearstained face. She raised her head and caught the eyes of the captain. He smiled at the little girl and got one in return. He knew that they could not stay there for long and told the men to surround the small group. Two in front and in the back while there were three on each side. They began slowly making their way down the street when one of the men began complaining about their pace.

Before the men got him to shut up, they were spotted and four men began shooting at them from the rooftops. The people began screaming and tried to run to safety which was a very bad idea. The captain stood his ground and yelled for all of them to stop screaming and follow his team into one of the buildings. The group of sixteen people started backing up, but then everything went to hell. The woman who had been holding the little girl fell and dropped her onto the ground away from the group. The attackers had also seen this and one of them began aiming at her instead of the group.

The little girl was so frightened that she could not move until a shot was fired half a meter away from her. She got on her shaking legs and began running. The only mistake was that she was running away from the group not towards it. The captain did not think rational and began running after the crying girl. He yelled for his men to get into the building and wait for him to come. Pulling out his gun he aimed at two of the attackers and shot them dead. This unfortunately got the last two attackers attention and they aimed their guns at the little girl.

A gunshot went off and suddenly very thing was in slow motion. The trigger being pulled, the shot fired towards the little girl, her crying form almost floating in the air about to take another step, the bullet getting closer and the captains breathing that kept picking up trying to move faster. He reached the little girl and it was like time started again, two more shots were fired and the captain felt all three bullets drilling into his back; one in the shoulder, the second in the hip and the last one deadly near his spine.

The captain heard two shots and the street fell silent again. The captain took that as a confirmation that the shooters were dead. He moved a little back from the girl to see that she was fine even after being squeezed too hard in his embrace. Her mother ran towards her and the little girl jumped into her arms crying her heart out. The captain smiled, but could feel that he was starting to lose consciousness. His team noticed this fact and Jack, one of the men from his team, caught him before he slammed his face into the concrete. Jack put his hand on the captains back and received a grunt. He pulled his hand away and noticed the blood which made him panic a little.

The others got the news and the last thing the captain heard before losing consciousness was the desperate cries of his men to keep awake.  


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 6:09 pm
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hey Tanya! I love your avatar. :)

On a mission in Syria to put a stop to IS

Was this supposed to say ISIS, or is that something similar that you came up with? If you made it up, what does it stand for?
Bodies falling on the floor with their eyes still open from the shock, their face still filled with pain and helplessness.

This is a fragment. Try changing "falling" to "fell." "Face" should also be "faces."

This is awesome! You're very good at writing action scenes. Even though I already knew what would happen to the captain from the prologue at the beginning, I was still impressed by his courage when he saved the little girl. He's a very brave man (er, werewolf) for feeling that the lives of his soldiers were more important than his own and for almost killing himself in order to save the little girl's life. Because Jean is a werewolf, I'm wondering if, with his injury, he's capable of shifting forms anymore.

I'm glad that you took the time to go more in-depth about Jean's injury and how he got it. I was disappointed that the prologue didn't give much information and didn't describe what kind of injury he had, just that it was paralyzing. It also didn't tell us much about his personality, but thanks to the narrative in the dialogue, I was able to see that Jean was selfless and brave. Does he have any negative traits? The best and most realistic characters do.

I agree with featherstone - overall, this could use more details. The prologue discloses the height of Jean, but besides that, what does he look like? Hair color? Shape of his jaw? Eye color? What does he look like when he's in the form of a werewolf? In the actual chapter, think about activating all of the five senses when describing the scene. Can you smell blood or sweat? What does the air taste like - fresh or stale? What does the surface of the roof feel like under Jean's belly when he's in sniper mode? Then there's the obvious ones - sight and hearing - which you handle pretty well, but could use more development to better show the scene.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this and I think it's a great start to your novel.




Persistence says...


I think the IS stands for Islamic State xP



Wolfi says...


Good to know xD



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Mon Nov 21, 2016 5:49 am
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Hey! Feather here to review!

So first, awesome story, awesome idea! I definitely want to see more in this.

I do find myself wanting more insight on the characters, however. You do a great job of giving background and facts, but I want to know personality, emotions. Are they scared going onto the battlefield? Do they feel a twinge of guilt as they kill? Are they cold-hearted, or have they found another way to cope?

The other thing I would say is I think that a bit more description would be in order. For instance: "The captain threw his hand up in the air for the second time when he saw the cabin with the prisoners." What if it said: "The captain threw his hand up in the air for the second time when he saw the blood-stained cabin with the innocent prisoners."

Lastly, I suggest going through and changing some punctuation. For instance: "The trigger being pulled, the shot fired towards the little girl, her crying form almost floating in the air about to take another step, the bullet getting closer and the captains breathing that kept picking up trying to move faster." I find for instances like this, where everything is happening in infinite detail for the MC it is good to use a lot of....s. For example: "The trigger being pulled....the shot fired towards the young girl...her crying form almost floating in the air, about to take another step...the bullet getting closer and the captain's breathing that kept picking up, trying to move faster..." I also caught a few errors in punctuation, so I'd just go through and clean those up.

Overall, hooking story, wonderful ideas, and a lot of potential. However, I think more description, character personality/feelings, and some punctuation/grammar edits are in order.

Keep writing,

Featherstone9086




TanyaStender says...


Thank you for your comment. I will definitely take it to heart! Glad you like the story so far ;)



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It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien