Published July 26, 2007
The early-day sun shone weakly down into the streets of the small village, casting shadows across the grass beside the paths. The thatched rooves shone with the morning's dew, and the houses' windows were still misty from the occupants' breath. A bright young girl, no more then 14 years old, strolled leisurely along the lanes, her steps light and sure. Her raven-hair bounced across her back while the wind blew a few strands into her intense face, and her calculating, blue eyes danced under her long lashes, taking in the familiar surroundings with interest.
Lyllan was traditionally the first one walking around and the villagers had become accustomed to the sound of her feet outside their windows at the earliest possible hour. She enjoyed these peaceful minutes, they gave her time to think.
But this morning she walked with purpose, a determined look in her eyes. Striding quickly, she came to a building on the outskirts. The shop's exterior was weathered, beaten, showing its age. An intense heat came from inside and the sound of roaring flames in the smithy's furnace was deafening. She stopped outside, peering into the darkness indoors.
The light from the fire illuminated little of the shop's interior and cast everything into sharp, flickering relief. A worker's movement around the flames was accentuated, but the working boy's features were obscured by his sweat drenched hair. He was bent over a hot, glowing blade, oblivious to his watcher, beating it into shape with a heavy, iron mallet. Sparks flew, some landing on his thick, oiled apron before they faded.
Lyllan stepped in to the doorway, taking another apron off the hook as she did so, and walked over to the boy, tying the straps to fit as she walked. She stood in front of his anvil, waiting for him to notice her presence.
He looked up, and jumped, his mallet swinging precariously in his hand. he laid the tool and blade down and smiled at the intruder.
"Lyllan," he said, playfully scolding her, "you should know better than to disturb an artist while he's working, it's bad luck."
She smiled crookedly, "Well, Brynden, maybe you should have your master install a bell, so there would be no need to create that bad luck."
Brynden shook his head, "Why are you here?"
Her eyes glinted, "Only to see my friend work."
"I know that look," he said suspiciously, "what's going on?"
Lyllan laughed, a young joyous laugh, and shook her head, "I'm not telling, it's a surprise."
He groaned, but started walking towards the door, untying his apron on the way, "I've come to hate it when you say that."
"Don't, or you won't enjoy it."
They hung their heavy aprons on the appropriate hooks and walked out into the brightening sun. The streets were starting to come alive as the early workers prepared for the new day. The smells of cooking were beginning to waft on the soft breezes, and the sounds of households waking were beginning to clammer in the lanes. The pair walked among the shops, Lyllan in the lead, with Brynden following. He ignored the people around them and gazed upon the proud, funny girl in front of him, her dark hair and hips swinging in time with her steps, his eyes smiled at the sight.
They continued walking until they came out on the other side of the village, and Brynden had to watch his step when Lyllan stopped suddenly on the edge of the surrounding forest. She smiled back at him.
"We're here."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,471 Literary Works • 674,496 Reviews
I've made more changes, again! the tips are great, keep them coming guys!
I like what you've done here...it was enjoyable, but I agree with what the others said. I didnt' read the original, but I imagine it's better now.
I agree that it's a little short...how many pages on a regular Word program? Maybe combine a couple of chapters to make it longer. You can make a pause in the story by putting stars there or changing viewpoints, without actually ending the chapter.
Anyway, good story, though! Have you done any more, yet, I wonder?
~
Peh, you're only 14? I'm jealous
Over all, you have a great start, but there are few things that I would like to point out.
The plural is "roofs"... I had to double-check this in the dictionary because I know I say "rooves" when I talk, but Merriam-Webster agrees, it's different from "hoof," etc.
That's a lot of possessives in one sentence. Structurally there's nothing wrong with it, but I think that sometimes it' can be distracting' to see repetitive' punctuation' in a sentence' like this'. At least, if you have my short attention span...
Hrrmehhhmmmuhhhum.
Okay, I love you, BUT. (There is always a but.)
I'm sure that in your head you've got your character all fleshed out - you know who she is, where she's from, what kind of food she likes to eat, and all the ins and outs of her personality. BUT. This introduction doesn't do her justice. At this point, she could be anyone's character. Let me explain why.
This is the every young female fantasy writer's most basic character, right here. I know this, because I used to do it (and I still do, to a point, because it's tempting). I wrote this when I was thirteen:
My basic reason for writing this paragraph was: LOOK HOW AWESOME AND PRETTY MY MAIN CHARACTER IS. While your cause is probably a bit more noble, do you see where I'm going with this? A flat physical description of a character, especially just one that describes their hair/eye color and implies that they're attractive, really doesn't tell us much about her at all. Instead of singling out your character's traits and emphasizing them, it almost makes her more vague.
There's nothing that says you can't describe your characters physically upon introduction - lots of published authors do. But when you're describing them, try to make it fresh. Try to tell us something about Lyllan's personality. Does the way that she's dressed suggest that her family is rich? Poor? Does she come across as a tomboy, or is she wearing a fancy skirt? Does she twirl her fingers around her hair nervously, or does the way she's walking suggest that she's a bit aloof? You don't give us much background by telling us that she has "raven hair" and "dancing blue eyes". (And thank you for not calling them "glowing cerulean orbs," I have a friend who does that kind of thing and while I love her dearly, it always makes me want to throw furniture.)
All the sentences in this paragraph start with "Lyllan" so perhaps you could mix it up a little with a few pronouns.
Just "its," otherwise you're saying "it is age".
Nice description, this is good imagery.
I'm guessing that this isn't purposeful parallel structure. Personally, I don't think you need all of these adjective pairs - try describing some of these in a different way.
I like your description here, but "clammer" should be "clamor." A clammer is someone who catches clams, which is really cool, but probably not the word you meant to use.
1. Change "apon" to "upon".
2. In my opinion, this could use the same sort of attention as the introduction. It's obvious that he is attracted to her - and, in a way, almost too obvious. What I would like to see here is why he is attracted to her. I mean, I have dark hair and hips that swing in time with my steps, so why does Bryndon like her and not me? For all we know, he could just be a naughty teenage boy who likes to watch girls from behind - so could you perhaps point out something else - something a little more personal - that he likes about her? She's special, that's why he's drawn to her; expand on that concept a little more.
Basically, you've got a great start here. If there's a prologue I should probably go back and read that, eh? All you really need is to work on characterization a little bit, and maybe run this by a friend before you post it to work out any grammar/spelling chinks. Good job, keep it up!
I've made the changes that you have suggested. Thanks guys!
Yes, Elelel, Brynden likes Lyllan, now calm down! and there's a reason why I used that description of Lyllan.
I'm sorry, but it'll be a while before the next bit comes on, I no longer have access at school, but I'm trying to sort that out. I ccan PM you if you want to know the next bit.
Hey! 'Tis I! I found some time! Homework is just the worst, isn't it? But anyway, on to business.
Ok, for me this set the scene as probably around 9 or 10 in the morning. "Early-day", that is. Which later I found to be wrong, as we're talking day-break.
But, here's a thought, description-wise. What about the colour and texture (for want of a better word) of the morning light? I like my sleep-in's, but I have seen the odd sunrise and it's not like normal day. I always thought the light seemed more fragile and new. I don't know. Have a think about it.
I'm sorry, but you've already used the "raven hair" description in your prologue, and you simply can't have it again. You just can't. It's one of those descriptions that's overused, especially in fantasy. There are other things her hair might be as black as. Why is it always ravens?
Also, just a guess on my part (it's good I'm guessing, means you've got me involved), but are Lyllan and the raven-haired woman in the prologue related? I don't know about Lyllan's parental status, but it seems possible. Well, if I'm right, that's another reason to ditch the "raven haired" thing. Using the same description on characters, at least in fantasy, always sugests there's a link to me.
Ok, let's have a talk about description. I agree with the others when they say your description is good. I think you weave it into the story very well. Some people make it seem very separate. I know I spend ages going over my description to get it even a little smooth.
You use the senses, which is great, with things like:
which is touch (intense heat) and sound (roaring flames), and:
which is scent and sound.
So that's exellent. Putting in little hints of the senses can really make the reader experience what the character does. Keep that up.
So, the next step I would say is maybe using the odd simile in your description. Comparing something to something else. You know, things like "soared like a bird" and "red as roses". Although you'd want to go for something a little fresher. If they're common, overused ones they aren't as effective. But they're handy things. They can give the reader a really strong impression of something.
Molten ... molten ... that's more like melted, isn't it? So the blade would basically be in it's liquid form if it were molten.
Ooooooh! Brynden likes Lyllan! Brynden likes Lyllan! Hehe! Ahem. Just had to say it.
I like your ending again. Nice little cliff hanger-ish bit.
A few other people have mentioned characterisation. I don't know, to be honest. We haven't seen a lot of them yet. But when they were talking I got the impression that their emotions weren't running entirely smoothly.
Tell you what, take a look at the Characterisation usergroup. I don't really get involved, but I look over it every now and again and it's pretty good. Helpful, interesting stuff.
Your description was nice but work on characterization a touch. Also, a few specific suggestions -
Lyllan was traditionally the first one walking around and the [s]villages[/s] villagers had become accustomed to the sound of her feet outside their windows at the earliest possible hour.
"you should know better [s]then[/s] than to disturb an artist while he's working, it's bad luck."
They hung [s]they're[/s] their heavy aprons on the appropriate hooks and walked out into the brightening sun. [Also, why does Lyllan take an apron when she isn't planning on helping him at the forge?]
in the lanes. [s]the[/s] The pair walked among the shops, Lyllan in the lead, with Brynden following, ignoring the people around them and gazing [s]apon[/s] upon the girl in front of him, her dark hair and hips swinging in time with her steps, his eyes smiled at the sight. [Also, this sentence is rather long. I'd put a period after 'following' because that's when you switch point of view from 'we' to 'he' - '...with Brynden following. He wound through the streets after her, ignoring the people around them and gazing upon...']
_______________________
Other than that, I liked it and look forward to reading the next part.
It was good. Mabye a little short but nevertheless. I can't tell whats going on much. Although it was very descriptive I think you should post longer ones. I like the main character but I would describe her surroundings a little more. Thats it.
~Pol
Okay, that's it. Goodjob! I really like your writing so far. Write on!
-The green one