Published June 28, 2007
"Kyen. How are you?" The voice was cold, ice dripping from every syllable.
The man looked up at the one that had dragged him in, then looked down at the mouse which had obviously betrayed him. The room they were in was dimly lit, a window was all that illuminated the small space. Dust coated the floor, untouched, but for the ones already inside. This room had not been used before.
Kyen looked again at the pale face of his captor, drawn and thin, his smile a line shaped by a sharp pencil, which Kyen silently hoped had hurt. The man's eyes glinted harshly, cruel white spheres of malice. One side of his face was abnormally tilted, like melted wax misshapen.
"Kyen?" the cruel voice came again, "Have you not learned to speak when spoken to?"
"Why should I speak to you?" Kyen's words were diffiant, "This is not my intended conversation."
"Ah, but I know what was, and my master isn't pleased."
"Why shouldn't he be?" Kyen attempted to sneer, but the fear he was hiding threatened to overpower him, "I have no like for him, or you. Your words come as no surprise."
The man's smile faltered, this was not going as planned. His prey was supposed to beg for mercy, or plead innocence, Kyen was doing neither. He lashed out and struck Kyen on his head, hot pain shot out from the strike and Kyen collapsed to the floor. He saw boot-shod feet standing near him, and heard the scuffling of the mouses tiny feet, then darkness...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
Well, this was an intriguing story. I am not very sure why you have published this as a short story, this seems more like a novel in the making to me. It has all the elements of a good story - mystery, action and a wry sense of humor. However, I am afraid, we do not really have enough background information to follow the text and understand what is happening at all times.
This was a mysterious start to the story. Well, any kidnapping can be considered mysterious, despite the context. I love the way you have constructed your sentences. Your short and simple descriptions paint a rather strong visual for us, making it easier for us to recreate the scene inside our head.
However, our introduction to Kyen was a little abrupt. We do not know who he is, or where he comes from. There is no connection between him and the readers as this is literally the first time we are introduced to him. As a result, we are not very invested in his story. We are interested in the plot of course, but whatever happens to him does not matter that much to us because of this lack of emotional connection. Before even establishing the character, you have already jumped into the plot. And as a result, even your solid descriptions cannot elicit that sort of a genuine reaction from us.
Here, the sentence will be : "I have no likeness for him, or you." It sounds better this way, and I am not really sure if 'like' stands very well in that sentence.
This is a run-on sentence and I actually had to read it in a single breath. Run on sentences do not cause much harm, but they kind of interrupt the flow and make it difficult for the readers to follow the text. Try breaking it up this way: "He lashed out and struck Kyen on his head. Hot pain shot out from the strike and Kyen collapsed to the floor."
Overall, this was a good story, but an unfinished one. It would stand well as a novel chapter. But as a short story, it just leaves us hanging in the air for more. Its like we looked into an excerpt from another story and went along for a short ride, without really getting any sense of the plot or the characters and their motivations. Maybe if you expanded on this a bit, fleshed out the character and his background story, then maybe the readers will be able to connect with him, and in turn, with the story.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hah hah!
-his smile a line shaped by a sharp pencil- this doesn't sound... right.
-The man looked up at the one that had dragged him in, then looked down- repetition. Try using something different here.
-diffiant- SPELLING! don't ask me how to spell it... but... It's not right!
-Kyen looked again at the pale face of his captor, drawn and thin, his smile a line shaped by a sharp pencil, which Kyen silently hoped had hurt.- What had hurt?
-, "I have no like for him, or you- sounds strange
-He lashed out and struck Kyen on his head, hot pain shot out from the strike- using 'Struck' and 'strike' so close together isn't effective.
I have a problem with this myself, every time I use the same or simalar words twice I make myself re-word it.
-mouses tiny feet- Mouse's
and using '...' seems... unfinished and sloppy to me.
You caught me in a nitpicky mood!
Anyway, keep writing, it's interesting.