Mena could hear the footsteps tapping their way to her door. They were like the clicks of a clock or the beating of a heart; mundane but a reminder that it all must come to an end...sometime. She knew that these steps were not just a friendly visit. They brought bad news.
Lila was on her deathbed. The woman who had cared for a ragtag bunch of teenagers orphaned by a plague. The same plague took her life now. She wasn't supposed to go this way, at the age of 95. In the olden days, he people had lived to be hundreds of years old. But almost ten years ago, they began to age at the human rate. And it wasn't just witches, but all supernatural beings. They all began to die, to grow old. They kept all of their powers and weaknesses but not their immortality.
"Mena?" a tiny voice called from the other side of the door. Emmeline. Tentatively, she opened the door and poked her head in. Her messy mop of dirty blond hair fell over her giant blue eyes and her cheeks were stained with tear that had been smudged away. "Its time."
Time. So taken for granted, yet in the end it always comes down to time. Time spent, time for, time left. How quickly it slips away.
Mean followed Emmeline down the narrow hall towards Lila's bedroom, the room Lila had not left in over three weeks. The others would be there already. They're all stronger than I am, Mena thought. They all face it while I hide in my room trying to forget.
Emmeline stopped at the door and turned to Mena. She gripped her hand and tried to give her courage. Mena nodded and they opened the door.
Moonlight poured in through the open window. A warm breeze fought against the chill that gripped them all. Archer stood at the foot of the bed with his eyes closed. He didnt want to see Lila as weak or old in his memories. He wanted to always think of her as she was before age had stolen her away. In th corner, Alchemy sat with his head in his hands, grateful that Faelan's great shadow fell over him. Faelan himself stood at the window gazing at the moon. How could such a beautiful light shine now?
Mena left Emmeline and went to kneel atthe bedside. How could this tiny form be Lila? She was always so full of life, so powerful. Just a few years ago Lila had been a robust and lively soul, always bustling and fussing at someone. Was this withered husk Mena gazed on really her? No, Mena's heart refused to believe that. It was telling her to run, to leave that place that smelled of old age, that felt like a tomb. But just as her body started to heed her hearts advice, Lia's eyes fluttered open.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well this is quite the start here. I don't believe I was expecting to run into quite that combination here as we got underway because I was expecting more of the traditional sort of reasons for a deathbed being something so bad, but wow this one really cranked this all up to levels that I was not expecting to see. The lore added in there and extra bits of backstory to link us a bit better to this character and see what sort of life they led makes this a lovely place to start here and even if there's very little we end up learning here about the character its enough to get us feeling that sympathy and wanting to know more.
Ahhh you're painting quite the heartbreaking picture here. Especially with this nod to Mena potentially being perhaps the person who was most affected by Lila in her lifetime judging by how its been going. The way this whole thing is phrased with it being quite clear that despite their best efforts there's nothing to be done and they sort of have to helplessly watch this person they love so much just die really ramps up the emotional parts of this and makes it all seem just that much more powerful.
This moment here is a little overwhelming in terms of the number of names being thrown at us although I suspect that's because we don't really get to see anything leading up to this which judging by the comments you've posted down there is probably a lot longer than what we have here. Besides that tiny little hiccup though I think you still capture the power of this scene really well and show us just how powerful of a moment this one happens to be really quite well. I would definitely love to see more of this story, if only to see if that tiny flicker of hope that we have at the very end will end up leading to something.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks guys! This is a tiny segment of something I wrote awhile ago and i do go on to explain things but it was my first posting and i was nervous.
The prose switches to narration and ruins the flow, it interrupts the story for information that could be convayed by ancedotal reference by the character. I'd remove the narration bit, because it is a crutch and without it you'll be a better writer.
Hi,
The story was alright, it felt like a tiny segment from a much larger story, It didn't really start or end any where, also it need more description about where and who they are not just names.
Archer stood at the foot of the bed with his eyes closed. He didnt want to see Lila as weak or old in his memories. He wanted to always think of her as she was before age had stolen her away. In th corner, Alchemy sat with his head in his hands, grateful that Faelan's great shadow fell over him. Faelan himself stood at the window gazing at the moon. How could such a beautiful light shine now?
who are Archer, Alchemy, and Faelan?
Also you missed a few letters:
advice, Lia's eyes fluttered open. 'Lila'
advice, Lia's eyes fluttered open. 'Mena'
hope this helped a little
~Zanna
I like the story but there are some missing letters;
In the olden days, he people had lived to be hundreds of years old.
"the people"
Her messy mop of dirty blond hair fell over her giant blue eyes and her cheeks were stained with tear that had been smudged away.
"with tears"
He didnt want to see Lila as weak or old in his memories.
"He didn't"
In th corner, Alchemy sat with his head in his hands, grateful that Faelan's great shadow fell over him.
"In the"
Mena left Emmeline and went to kneel atthe bedside.
"at the"
Other than that, great job, keep writing!
~Tayla