Published February 16, 2011
“Why?” he asks. His voice is harsh, cracking and growling in a way that I’ve never heard before. He grabs handfuls of hair above his temples and scrunches his face in pain.
I tremble, my muscles tense against the cold linoleum floor. I try to crawl back away from him, but my back’s against the wall. There are people in the room over, if they would only hear me. I open my mouth. He swoops down, grasping the lower half of my face in a claw-like grip.
He squats down, his face level with mine. My sneakers slide across the grimy bathroom floor. His sickly orange eyes grow in my vision. His body has made a cage over mine and I know there is no escape. I start to pray with stumbling tongue and clenched jaw.
"...Thy Kingdom Come. Thy Will be done..."
He shakes his head. “I’m not going to hurt you, Kate.”
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140,541 Literary Works • 673,411 Reviews
This is a really powerful piece of writing, everything such strong emotion behind it.
The only issue I have is with "I open my mouth. He swoops down, grasping the lower half of my face in a claw-like grip. He squats down, his face level with mine." It feels the same action is being told from a different angle.
That said, this story leaves me with so many unanswered questions. Why is he mad at Kate? What is their relationship (father-daughter, brother-sister, husband-wife,[ex]boyfriend-girlfriend)? Who are the people in the other room and how are they not aware that this is going on (Horton Hears Domestic Violence and Does Nothing)? Deliciously frustrating.
If this was, like you said, originally intended as a teaser/prologue, then you did a fantastic job of writing one. Looking at it from a different perspective, this would make an amazing ending for a story. The week leading up to these events, perhaps? If you don't plan on doing more with the emotion in this scene, it might be worth exploring the emotions and events that would cause something like this. Like Snoink said, the last line falls somewhat flat compared to the rest of the story; it might be worth eliminating, leaving the end open for the reader.
It looks like an excellent introduction! The last line does stick out a bit and sounds a bit cheesy, however that's only because the build up is so good so when you finally come to the last line, it doesn't seem as good as it could be. I would flesh this out and see what you can do with it.
Content aside, your writing has a sort of flow and ease that I am envious of. I stalked your portfolio (mostly only the Grae story) and found this to be the case with your other writings as well. I feel like I have to pull teeth to get my writing to be so clean, but I sense that you can do it naturally. So... good job on that, and keep writing, as you have potential to work with. Your actual story here doesn't interest me so much as much as your writing itself, though content-wise it does run the risk of turning cliche - so watch out for that if you aim to continue it. Good luck!