locked

**LOCKED**

Teague
x

Ummm....thankyou? Haha.

“Wh-wha-what?” I squeaked out. lol i luv dat is soudns like a chicke bu-u-buck!!!!

Thankyou for the review! I've changed some things around according to what you've pointed out as mistakes or "nit-picks" Thankyou!

I. NITPICKS

Talking_Pinata wrote:“Eighteen, shouldn’t you be in school then? It’s Thursday night!” I replied. I’d always been a rule-abiding child and teenager. There wasn’t much to complain about when I lived with my mother, who barely bothered speaking with me.

“Dropped out. I’m not really pursuing anything special,” Rossa replied in her usual, everyday tone. I could barely believe her indifference.

There was another awkward silence, which Rossa appeared unaffected by.

Faolan halted suddenly and strolled around outside the gas station before walking inside. He examined the chocolate bar box, and found one missing. Smiling, he bought one chocolate bar of his own, prowled outside, and tore at it like an animal. Within five seconds, chocolate coated his hands and turned his normally gleaming white teeth brown.

She had lingered here for a long time. He continued following the scent and came upon the plastic bag of cakes and the broken wine bottle. Shaking his head in disappointment, he looked up at the street lamp which shadowed his animal-like face beautifully. He took a deep breath but it caught in his throat as he smelled her companion. Who had she made friends with this time? Did it matter?

Not really. There wasn’t much further to go, he began strolling calmly down the sidewalk, his wild, proud stance nearly gave off his inhuman personality. Although he slouched slightly, he always appeared to be a cat or dog on defense of something.

“I know! It scared me when I was a child and the darkness of it still freaks me out a little,” I enthusiastically agreed.

He should turn here, he smelt it. Sauntering down the grass to the back of the house, he sensed her companion more strongly.

There he stood all shadowed, tall, and older looking. His sinister smirk darkened his face. He wore a black shirt and black jeans, adorned lightly in chains. His face was darkened with eyeliner and some sort of black lipstick. I screamed lightly and as it died away I stared at his menacing smile and strange appearance with intense fear.

“wh-wha-what?” I squeaked out.

“Your, brother?” I asked, exasperated. I saw no resemblance whatsoever. Maybe it was the makeup, but he had a more animal appearance to him. Fierce, ferocious, proud, and wise were the personalities portrayed in his mysterious eyes. His hair was stranger than his makeup, it was a light grey, and it stuck out in all directions like a mane of some sort. The whole outfit looked like some drastic costume out of a play. He looked like he was around nineteen or twenty years old.

Thankyou for the review! I agree with what you said about the last bit. I'll get to reworking that as soon as possible! Thanks again!

This was good. I didn't notice a lot of errors; if there were any, I was too involved in the story to notice.

I really liked how you kept switching back and forth between what was happening between Rossa and Satu and what Faolan was doing. It gave it an element of suspense. I was intrigued by Faolan, who he was, why he was looking for Rossa, etc. But the fact that you went back to Rossa and Satu made me wonder what he was going to do when he found them. I wasn't sure if he was good or bad, or why he was doing what he was doing. I liked that element of mystery. I'm still wondering why he has animal qualities. I like to have to keep guessing until the end of a book.

He laughed as I stared at them indecisively. I really shouldn’t have fallen on those cakes.

So sorry. I want reviews cause I need them. So sorry for bumping. (and sorry AGAIN)