Masquerade- A party at which masks and costumes are worn, whether an informal gathering of friends or a formal ball.
We all have to agree, that parties are fun. If you don’t think its going to be fun, most likely that you’ll choose not to go, and if you still decide to go, then you shouldn’t have.
What if there was such a thing as a masquerade that progressed on and on in a life for many years, until hiding who you were became who you were? Could that mask ever be torn off to reveal a face of true emotion?
That exact thing happened to me, and as tears find my eyes wet, I write this, explaining to you one way to have so much safe fun, so that you lose yourself, and end up with as monstrous of a life as if you’d participated in unsafe fun.
Perfectly normal people crave randomness. They laugh at anything that is out of the ordinary. I took that to an insane extreme, I found others who had gone as far as me, and we remained that way as a group. This is the story of my young life. This is my masquerade.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...well this is fun...it seems we're starting off with a definition, I have never quite seen that one happen outside of a few movies, but it seems like to this particular story that is an important one. In that case I honestly think you could commit to that fully and just mention it at the start instead of putting it down like sort of a glossary there since for a scene like this, that sort of start would be warranted and it'd instantly do the same job of getting your attention as a reader too.
At any rate what we have here does that job pretty well too, especially with that question at the end of the second paragraph, that one certainly manages to make you feel things and question life there because it seems oddly similar to real life sometimes even though this appears to be a slightly more fantastical version of it.
Alright we're ending on an interesting note there. For starters it seems like its one of those I'm about to narrate my life situations but also it seems we're focusing specifically on this idea of a masquerade and seemingly a bit of a sad story...and well I think you certainly do enough to make us really intrigued to find out what went down there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Let's see...all the errors here have already been found so...you know I love this! I know you're continueing so I can't hardly wait for more! Whenever a story is a different kind of definition of a word I get excited!
Yeah...I'll be looking out but make sure you work on everything else, too! Which I know you will, but still! I'll be interesting to see how this turns out in the end.
Thankyou everyone! This was very helpful!
Yeah, agree with the comments above me that prologues are normally longer than this. But besides that, I think you have an interesting start here. I mean, it makes the reader think about the questions you asked. I just suggest that you lengthen this and make it a longer prologue.
Well, that's all I got for nit-picks
Thankyou everyone! I'll be working on my rather strange sentence structure for awhile...and then I'll edit it! Thankyou again!
Not to be rude to other peoples' critiques, I find I must contradict someone else's opinion... nothing personal, 'kay? Starting off with a definition *can* be patronizing, but in a paragraph with so much emphasis on this word, so much wordplay around it, I think a definition is great. It drew me in, although I already knew what a masquerade was, and chances are so will almost every other reader.
Now, I admit I've been browsing with the intent of slapping a few half-hearted reviews here and there so I can post my story (this is my first review). I wasn't planning on actually getting into any... but I just did, with your story. Though it is unsatisfactorily short, I am most intrigued. I will keep up with this one!
That being said, the sentence structure is occasionally pretty weird, and I can't give you any more advice on it than what's already been supplied by others.
Looking forward to an update!
This should be: "What if there was such a thing as a masquerade that progressed on and on for many years, until it hid who you really were?" You should either have "hid who you were" OR "became what you were" because the both don't sounds good together.
That's one LONG sentence! #_ #
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I agree with the others in that you should have either written in the title that this was a prologue, or posted more, because other than grammatical/flow type corrections, you don't give us much to say. I would like to see more imagery, because this is just emotion and some imagery cam really make it more powerful.
Let me know if you post more!
Please feel free to PM me.
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
I think that this should have been longer before you posted it. Even Prologue's aren't normally this short. What we've seen was... intriguing, I suppose, but there needs to be more for me to truly express an opinion.
Oh, by the way, I liked the title (even if it's already been used), and it's what caused me to even open this. So good job on that.
Er... is there more to this? There isn't really enough to critique based off just this short blurb. =/
Honestly, there's no story here. We need a tangible story, a decent-sized chunk of your story before it's critiquable. I mean, let's skip the appetizer and go straight to the main course, okay? I'm hungry. Let's rock and roll.
So yeah. Definitely need to post more before any real comments are going to come your way. ^^
Also, it's patronising your reader when you start off with a definition. If the reader doesn't know what a masquerade is, make them look it up. That's their problem, not yours.
So! Post more, mmkay?
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
This is an interesting piece, but with a little more work, it will be a lot better.
We all have to agree take out comma that parties are fun. If you don’t think it is going to be fun, most likely that you’ll choose not to go, and if you still decide to go, then you shouldn’t have. this sentence is really awkward
What if there was such a thing as a masquerade that progressed on and on take out "in a life" for many years, until hiding who you were became who you were? Could that mask ever be torn off to reveal a face of true emotion?
That exact thing happened to me, and as tears find my eyes wet, I write this, explaining to you one way to have so much safe fun, so that you lose yourself, and end up with as monstrous of a life as if you’d participated in unsafe fun.
Perfectly normal people crave randomness is a poor word choice for this sentence. They laugh at anything that is out of the ordinary. I took that to an insane extreme, I found others who had gone as far as me, and we remained that way as a group. This is the story of my young life. This is my masquerade.
Overall, my biggest suggestion is to work on your sentence structure. There are some wacky, inverted sentences in this piece. It sounds interesting, though. PM me whenever!
Best, River
Is this a prologue? If it is you should edit your title to Masquerade prologue.
This story sounds great! Hope you write more!