Published May 18, 2008
NOTE: This is based of my short story called "Cabbage". You can find it in my portfolio! THANKYOU!
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NOTE2: The prologue rushes into things, I belive, but I think I'm alright with it because we don't really rush into the plot, but tell me what YOU think.
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“It’s okay Mom; I’m not afraid to die,” the boy whispered. The hum of the air conditioner accompanied the sound of his mother’s shifting around nervously.
“I just don’t want to lose you,” She bravely stared into her son’s eyes. The constant and regular bleep of the heart monitor was supposed to be reassuring, but it only brought a certain anxiety that the steady beat would suddenly flicker.
“Then I’ll make sure you don’t. I’ll,” the heart rate became irregular and a nurse stepped into the room dutifully while the boy’s mother let out a sob that had been boldly restrained. The boy’s weak eyes flickered back to his mother’s face where they then rested peaceful and reassuring.
“Mom, don’t be sad. It’s been a wonderful sixteen years and I owe it all to you.” He said weakly. The bleep wavered again until it rested on a single tone. The nurse raced over to the bed while the mother buried her face into her hands and wept.
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The soft spirit raced faster than an eye could follow. As the scenery faced, there came a room with black walls and a black tile floor. It went on in two opposite direction as far as one could see. Even then the shadows were all that kept the never-ending hall from sight. The boy found himself no longer as a spirit but as a being with a physical body. He was wearing a baggy shirt and jeans, but the frailty of his body distracted him until a voice spoke.
There was a woman in front of him with bright, neon green eyes, and bleach blonde hair. “Choose your afterlife,” she demanded. As she spoke, her hands spread out and gestured down the hallways in which many statues, angels, and gods now lined up leisurely in.
The boy walked down the hallway staring at each of the faces and figures. Some beckoned him, promising happiness or everlasting life. The bronze face of a man stared out at him, eternally joyful with his long hair flowing out behind him. Another face didn’t smile but held a certain intelligence that it attracted his attention.
“Why does this feel so natural?” The boy asked.
“Everyone dies,” the angel replied, his grey wings spread, stretched and curled up again behind his back.
“Well yes, but honestly, this is my first time,” he replied then changed subjects, “Why are there so many afterlives?”
“That’s like asking why there are so many different occupations for people to follow on earth,” the angel tartly replied.
“Sorry. I just didn’t know,” the boy answered, “Which one should I choose?”
“Ours, of course.”
“Why ‘of course’? How am I supposed to know which one is the best?”
“Because when asking the representative of an afterlife which afterlife is best, they’re obviously going to reply by promoting their own,” the angel scoffed back.
“Sorry,” the boy apologized, “I guess I will pick yours. There’s no way of telling which one is really the best anyways.” With this comment, the boy took the angel’s outstretched hand and they walked through the door into the light.
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141,497 Literary Works • 674,552 Reviews
Hello! I haven't read 'Cabbage,' but I hope that doesn't matter.
I think that should just be "mother," not "mother's." If it is "mother's," then it should be "mother's nervous shifting." but if it's "mother" then it can be "mother shifting around nervously."Because she's getting cut off, I think that comma should be a dash.
There should be a comma after "rested."
The period after "you" should be a comma and the "he" after it should be lowercase.
I don't understand this... do you mean to say "raced" rather than "faced?"
Comma after "then."
Repetition of "in!" I suggest you delete the second one.
The "t" in "the" should be lowercase.
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I would love to have a better idea of the surroundings, especially in the other world. One of the most important things about Fantasy is describing things we can't picture already... I know what a hospital looks like, smells like, etc. But I don't know what this afterlife place is like at all. Like Keek says, try to incorporate all the senses. And of course, a little more imagery about the hospital wouldn't be bad as well...
I agree with other reviewers in that the character is a little flat at the moment. Not necessarily a bad thing, but try to let us relate to him as the story goes on. Maybe have him miss home?
Also, I agree that it feels a bit rushed -- but that can be interpreted as a stylistic choice, not only a mistake. One could take it as capitalizing upon the suddenness of death, and its unexpected, unwarranted arrival.
So far, I like the idea! Let me know if you post more, or if you have any questions.
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
P.S. I started this review this morning, but had to leave the house. I just got back home and finished it and though I skimmed other reviews, I didn't read them fully and thusly apologize if I repeat anything.
I. NITPICKS
Better said "his mother nervous shifting."
First clause is awkwardly phrased, "as far as one could see" is a bit odd since no one is supposed to see?
Either hyphenate "bleach-blond" or make it "bleached blond".
"Our's"
II. SHOWING VS. TELLING
This is the most major problem you have in your stories. You show rather than your tell - which directly hinges upon your liberal use of adverbs. In writing, adverbs are usually unnecessary and it's better just to nix them out altogether. Showing helps a story grow and it's much smoother. The easiest way to fix this would be to add more description of the room and try to describe things without reaching into your arsenal of adverbs.
III. OVERALL IMPRESSION
On the way it was written and think it would be best to edit it to do more showing over telling. However, the plot was a very interesting take on the afterlife - but I think you should expand. Your characters were rather flat. We know your character is dying - but we feel no sympathy for him. We don't know who he is, his life, we don't even know his name. All this stuff would better make us relate to the character and make them feel more real.
Just a quick point. I used to do this all the time. The 's' on she shouldn't be a capital. I think you already know that, since you only do it in a few places.
Overall, the first bit is good. I agree; you do kind of rush into things. We don't really get a chance to relate to the characters or get a feel for them. It might involve making it longer, but I might suggest you invest a little time in making it more poignant.
The spirit is soft as in soft to touch, or soft as in gentle? Might change that adjective.
I might change 'there came' to 'there appeared' or 'a room... appeared'.
Done! ^_^
Alright, time for a more general overview.
Characters: Since it's the prologue, I can understand a certain level of distance. However, I think this would benefit if you gave us a chance to be more familiar with your MC. You don't talk a lot about his thoughts or emotions, so I get the feeling he's numb or disinterested.
Description: You do well where you put it, but (as always) a little more won't hurt your story. Think the five senses. =P *says that even though she always forgets*
Plot: Good!
This is the first story I review in a while, so I hope this was helpful in some way. I did like your story, and if I have the time I will read the other part. =P Your title is very interesting, too. It's what got my attention. Good luck!
^_^ Keek!