Young Writers Society

I. NITPICKS

Talking_Pinata wrote:The forest was quiet and the only sound was the child's voice echoing throughout the untamed woods. Her voice weaved through the treetops as the song innocently continued.

The prey drew closer, her song a beacon to his acute hearing. No warning at all, his face appeared an inch from hers; she blinked and it took seconds to realize that something was there. "Blackbird?" She guessed innocently. His teeth shone brilliantly despite the moonless night surrounding them and his voice slithered beautifully with no echo through the air. "Yes," he spoke, a teasing grin dancing upon his lips,"I brought the night with me too."

The fear she should have been feeling rushed through her, she turned around and ran, never growing tired, never slowing. Her fear kept her feet pounding against the ground. She stopped after she reached the field, listening for any sound, nothing. The he was there, her mind pausing for a moment too long. He lurched at her, his mouth open wide for the attack.
"Blackbird..." her dying words, "I hate you."

Zahrah marched up to the shop and flung the door open, a perfect display of rage. "Curses, curses on you all!" she screamed, "How could you sell me this, this love potion! Witchcraft!"

"Miss, I'm fairly sure it's all just a misunderstanding, none of us are witches-"

"Miss! I'm fairly sure none of us are witches, but just to make up for this misunderstanding, how about you get free service from us for a year, all your general needs, free of charge?"

Grinning slyly to herself, Zahrah quickly strode back to her inn, in which her stay was also free of charge. She had become quite talented in the art of scamming villagers into receiving her every need without money or bartering. Not only that, but most of her displays of this talent revolved around accusing people of witchcraft, an art that was not so unfamiliar to her. She gently pulled the door of the inn open, with more grace than human, and she marched up the stairs into her tiny room, storing her love potion away safely under the floorboards. She sighed with satisfaction as she recalled her success in the past few days. She had easily won over the inn, tailor, and general store's service without much effort, not much had gone wrong...except...

She remembered the girl, looking desperately around her, looking pale and frightened. Then, the vampire, predator of the night swooped upon her, and within an instant, the girl was dying. Zahrah's elevated hearing allowed her to hear the girl's last four words. They had been so poetic, referring back to the village songs of old. Then Zahrah had gasped at the suddenness of it all and the vampire had turned, his bloody mouth smiling in satisfaction as he lifted a finger to his soiled lips. "shh..." he had hushed her, and then he turned and disappeared into the forest, leaving the body for the wolves.

I see you revised it a bit! Let me see....You still spelled 'something' 'somthing' and 'then' 'the' in the paragraph following the poem/song.
Chapter one still uses 'she' alot...and for some reason that first sentence in the beginning bugs me...how that's phrased, I don't know why.
But besides that it looks great! you italized the song! Can't wait for more!

I think I will read your piece and comment as I go along - I'll start with problems first...

the song innocently continued.

"Blackbird?" She guessed innocently.

This was so good... How will I critique this when I have no words to critique it with? I didn't see any errors, but of course I might have over looked some.

You've got to tell me when you write more! This was just the think to brighten my day...

I agree that the song needs to be italized or underlined (I think italized would fit better) The song was amazing and I could just hear it as if someone where really singing it! Great job with that!
It's true "The prey drew closer, her song a beacon to his ears." Makes 'him' seems like the prey. Maybe you could make it "A beacon to his ears, making him draw closer to her" or something of the like. Something has an 'e' in it, also. Also be aware of onrunning sentences though I don't see much...you might want to make sure that you make a new pharagraph everytime someone new talks, it also makes it easier to read. The rest of the prologue is really good.
In the first sentence of chapter one instead of having the comma you could put " the door open which was a perfect display of rage." Also, there's some spelling errors. Sometimes it's also not that good too use "..." over again. It's used three times in one area seems just a bit much, but that could just be me. Chapter one seems very well written and places together nicely. Refering back to the prologue as you did was very good.
Your friend and sister- Tadatori

Edited; please don't put caps in your subject title. ^_^

i liked this story a lot. im not going to go over grammatical stuff because people before me have already done that. overall what you have written has a kind of musical flow. i dont know if that makes sense or not...it just sounds nice all put together and really easy to read....im sorry if in not making sense, its hard to describe what im trying to tell you....anywho i hope to see more of this story.

Thankyou everyone! I will be making changes based on comments and my opinions.

>.>

i reinforce the previous statements.

i do like your idea, however. ^_^

but one thing....try and separate your paragraphs....it's just easier to read that way.

but, good job!! i look forward to more!!

I actually think that you should get rid of the 'La la la la...' thing... It just bugs me. Anyway, I agree with starry about the descriptions... Hope you have fun writing!!

--Lucky

Thankyou for your suggestions and corrections!

La la la la la la la...

The forest was quiet and the only sound was a {Since we've never met the child, it should be 'a' instead of 'the'} child's voice echoing throughout the untamed woods. It weaved through the treetops as the song innocently continued.

Blessed be the blackbird,
Who brings night upon its wings,
Blessed be the crow,
Who takes part in no such things,
Blessed be the dove,
Who brings the light of day,
Blessed be the children,
Who sing the songs all day.


If this is a song, it is better if you italicize the lyrics.

The prey drew closer, her song a beacon to his ears. No warning at all, his face appeared an inch from hers; she blinked and it took seconds to realize that somthing was there.

"Blackbird?" She guessed innocently. His teeth shone brilliantly despite the moonless night surrounding them and his voice slithered beautifully with no echo through the air.

"Yes," he spoke, a teasing grin dancing unpon his lips,"I brought the night with me too."

The fear she should have been feeling rushed through her ; she turned around and ran, never growing tired, never slowing. Her fear kept her feet[s]ing [/s]pounding against the ground. She stopped after [s]she reached[/s]reaching the field, listening for any sound, but heard nothing. [s]The[/s] He was there, her mind[s] pausing[/s] paused for a moment too long. He lurched at her, his mouth open wide for the attack.

"Blackbird..." her dying words, "I hate you."

CHAPTER ONE

Zahrah marched up to the shop and flung the door open, a perfect display of rage.

"Curses, curses on you all!" she screamed, "How could you sell me this, this love potion! Witchcraft!"

"Miss, I'm fairly sure it's all just a missunderstanding, none of us are witches-"

"Lies! Lies! I will report you to the priests! Burned, that's what you deserve, each and every one of you devil servants! "

"Miss! I'm fairly sure none of us are witches, but just to make up for this missunderstanding, how about you get free service from us for a year, all your general needs, free of charge?"

Zahrah forced an upset sniffle, "Bribes, I shouldn't take them, but your offer is so generous, I can hardly refuse. I will refrain from telling the church as long as your promise remains valid." She stalked out the door, nose jutting in the air.

Grinning slyly to herself, Zahrah quickly strode back to her inn, in which her stay was also free of charge. She had become quite talented in the art of scamming villagers into recieving her every need without money or bartering. Not only that, but many of her displays of this talent revolved around accusing people of witchcraft, an art that was not so unfamiliar to her.

She gently pulled the door of the inn open, with more grace than human, and she marched up the stairs into her tiny room, storing her love potion away safely under the floorboards. She sighed with satisfaction as she recalled her success in the past few days. She had easily won over the inn, tailor, and general store's service without much effort, not much had gone wrong...except...

The past few paragraphs have all been started with the word "she" and that's sort of redundant so, find other ways to start a sentence. You could start with a verb, observation, description, the ideas are infinite.

She delved her memory of the past two days and remembered the scene in the field. For any ordinary human, it would have been horrifying but for Zahrah...
She remembered the girl, looking desperately around her, looking pale and frightened. Then, the vampire, predator of the night swooped upon her, and within an instant, the girl was dying.

Zahrah's elevated hearing allowed her to hear the girl's last four words. They had been so poetic, refferring back to the village songs of old. Then Zahrah had gasped at the suddeness of it all and the vampire had turned, his bloody mouth smiling in satisfaction as he lifted a finger to his soiled lips.

"shh..." he had hushed her, and then he turned and dissappeared into the forest, leaving the body for the wolves.

Zahrah sighed as she remembered how stressful that night had been. It hadn't been the scene in the field, no, that was just another display of the realities of magic. She had rather been stressed by the entrance into the town, and the hostility towards visitors.

I like your idea and your style of writing has an indescribable ease. Expect for a few grammatical errors, the MC is a pleasure to read. However, your weakness seems to be in description. You should spend more time talking about the setting. Also, mid-way, you gave us an info-dump and kept telling us what Zahrah was doing rather than showing us...

Please make sure to read your drafts over before you post it in order to avoid petty grammatical mistakes. With that said, you seem like a newbie Welcome to YWS.

Good luck with the rest of this and PM with any questions, comments, concerns..you get the point

Cheers,

--starry

Thankyou SO much. I will look forward to editing it so that it fixes the issues you showed me.

I liked the song in the beginning. It was definitely my favorite part. However, I would put it (and the "la la la la") all in quotation marks or perhaps in italics, depending on the impression you are looking to give.

"The prey drew closer, her song a beacon to his ears." This confused me at first. I thought that perhaps "he" was the prey and that he was being drawn to her, like a unicorn and a maiden or something. Try rewriting it so that it is clear that the girl is the prey.

"She was coming closer to him. Her song was a beacon in his ears, letting him see her through sound. He licked his lips. His prey was coming."

Something like that. It shows that "he" is an enemy and we should be afraid for the little girl.

Also, the format of your story is a little messed up, probably owing to a copy-and-paste. I am not entirely sure how to preserve it, considering I am also a new writer here, but I'm sure someone out there knows and will be willing to help. (if so, please also let me know, would you, kind soul out there?)

"An art not so unfamiliar to her" - perhaps something along the lines of "an art she had mastered long ago" would be better. The double negative is hard to follow and another choice of words might be stronger.

The last little bit, where Zahrah remembers the girl in the field - how did she see it? Did she stumble across it? Is she a witch? Why would that act startle her, when it appears that the vampire himself did not?

"refferrinng back..." = "referring back..."

Anyway, I enjoyed this. The writing style was nice and flowing. You're descriptive enough without overloading the reader. You say enough to give the idea and the impression, without having to dsecripe every square inch and spare movement. I can't really give you critique on the idea, because I haven't read enough. But so far, I give you a thumbs up!

I NEED PEOPLE TO RATE THIS IDEA AND WRITING STYLE AND GIVE TIPS!