Young Writers Society

I liked this piece a lot, but it was very emotionless, as a couple others have said. I know that you re-did a few things, but it still seems to be off.

I don't know if I like how you only said Angela's name. Saying "person one" etc, seemed a little distant, like the emotions of the character didn't matter. When that isn't the truth. The reason to this story is the main and supporting characters feelings.

Also maybe adding some flashbacks/memories from Angela may have more impact on how they have helped, how long she has known them, and how close they really are. Put some depth into it to make it harder for the reader to "watch" Angela rip herself from her best friends and home.

Other than that everything was superb! There was good dialog, didn't repeat many words, and it flowed well. YAY! ^_^

I hope that you may re-write this short story to be a bit longer and with more roots that are harder to rip up for Angela.

Best of luck!

Thankyou for the reviews. I appreciate the notes on physics especially. Thankyou for all your help.

Wow that was really great. I haven't really been on this site all that often lately so I haven't read anything in a while from here. Now more about you story I don't know if I can fix anything grammatical anymore as there have been many more people before me but I must say that this gives a whole knew feel to a story. Most of the time you don't just get this kind of snapshot of the end. It leaves you wanting more but then again it changes the way that you might look at a story.

Well now that I have rambled on forever I would just like to say that this was really great and I loved reading it. Keep up the good work.

Wow that was really great. I haven't really been on this site all that often lately so I haven't read anything in a while from here. Now more about you story I don't know if I can fix anything gramatical anymore as there have been many more people before me but I must say that this gives a whole knew feel to a story. Most of the time you don't just get this kind of snapshot of the end. It leaves you wanting more but then again it changes the way that you might look at a story.

Well now that I have rambled on forever I would just like to say that this was really great and I loved reading it. Keep up the good work.

I didn't know we were allowed to bump our work... but the heck with it, here we go

The opening conversation struck me as a bit odd. A mechanism I use a lot is trying to visualize conversations and then determining character traits based on how things are said, not to mention that's being talked about. Here, it seems that the characters don't actually have a motive for their talk, and while it sets up good context, the lack of direction plot-wise gives me the slight feeling that it's only meant for context. Of course, they could just be teenagers going through the motions of useful conversation, so there's nothing particularly wrong with that. I suppose it could fit better, stylistically speaking, if you gave the characters more of a "voice," but it's not that big a deal. Moving on.

Next up is physics. Yep. I apologize for not doing grammatical things, but that's really not my area of interest, and there are plenty of people here who can work with syntax and punctuation. Realism, however, supports a scene just as well as good writing does, maybe even better. Political speeches are painful because they sound great but make no sense. Anyways, the point of contention here is the wind and the trees:

From your description, it sounds as if there's a grassy clearing in what would otherwise be a forest of some sort. thick enough to obscure the view in every direction. Forests can be windy, but if the tall, varied trees on the inside of a woods are swaying, it wouldn't likely be a peaceful scene. The only way this would be possible would be if the forest were on a hill, so that the tallest trees would be unblocked by the others, but biologically speaking that makes little sense, anyways (good topsoil doesn't tend to collect on hilltops, sadly). Oh, and take a look at your yard some time. If the short grass is blowing lightly in the wind, give yourself a reality check. Especially in your case, where the grass is in a closed meadow - it could be fairly windy outside the forest, and the core would be rather stable.

For the most part, people will see the above and think, "What are you going on about? It's fantasy for crying out loud!" That's all well and good, but the purpose of review is to garner multiple perspectives, and in my opinion, fantasy does not mean you can alter the laws of physics (unless you expressly give yourself the right to do that through magic or technology). No, fantasy is taking the world and making the changes that we want and then examining the repercussions of those changes to create a plot. What you change is a matter of taste, but how you treat the world as a whole because of those changes makes all the difference.

The next point is just an observation from me, and not something that needs changing, per se. Angie is looking at the group almost as a medication, and her judgment is that if she remains addicted to the medication, she won't be able to cope when the treatment stops. This is all well and good, but as any competent drug clinician will tell you, there's something called withdrawal, and gradualism - you don't tell a heroin addict to stop immediately; a clean severance basically guarantees death, in that case, and in this one isn't likely to be much safer. If Angie tries to just get better by herself, there'll be problems down the road. Yay: problems make literature fun

Cheers, keep writing, and I hope some of what I had to say will be of use.

I can't resist those puppy eyes.

The half moon hung in the sky like some great celestial yin-yang

The short grass blew lightly in the wind, but still couldn’t compare to the large trees which swayed slowly but dramatically in the heights above the group

Each of the four had a bottle of grape soda which they held onto all too tightly.

She giggled again and punched him back, her inhuman strength sent him sliding.

she shrugged and smiled a guiltily smile

She burst into tears and hid her head in her knees.

Please?

Just edited it. I'm sure there are new mistakes so PLEASE review.

Ah! I just realized I wrote this just a LITTLE too quickly and didn't proofread too well. I agree, this needs more emotion! I'll add that in my revision version! Thankyou for reviewing!

I don't think I've read anything this good in a while. Here's a few points: the dialog often had a comma where a full stop should be.

The second bit her lip, holding in a chuckle, Sorry we've had to keep you so secret"

Hey Talking Pinata! Let's see what you have in store for us. Same crit key as always!

Talking_Pinata wrote:The half moon hung in the sky like some great celestial yin-yang. Four people sat on the grass, bathing in the [s]contradictory [/s]moonlight. Silence reigned though the feelings in both In both what? Both usually refers to two of something, like people but you said that there were four. I also didn't really like the way you worded this sentence raged like rivers through rapids. Every few moments, one would take a deep breath as if to say something, but then pause and let the breath out as a faux sigh.

“It’s been a great summer,” one finally spoke.

“It sure has,” another agreed, nodding.

“I find it funny that we snuck out almost every night Insert comma but never did anything illegal. We just came here and hung out most of the time,” the third added.

The first laughed and looked to the fourth Insert comma who [s]that[/s] appeared to be deep in thought.

“Hey, you alright, Angie?” he asked.

“Yeah, definitely,” she said, [s]monotonously[/s]. Her expression didn’t change. Her [s]though and[/s] eyes refused to [s]didn’t[/s] meet his.

“What’s bothering you, Ang?” the second asked, catching on to the conversation.

“It’s nothing.”

“You’ve always been the dreaming kind anyway. Have you had fun this summer?”

She laughed, “How much more fun can dashing around in the night be?”

The second bit her lip, holding in a chuckle, “Sorry we’ve had to keep you so secret, Ang. You’ve been a great friend either way.”

“It’s alright, not everyone changes into a carnivorous beast in the blink of an eye,” she smirked.

“We’ve taken care of you pretty well, right?”

“Right,” she nodded determinedly.

“We’ve learned so much,” the third reflected.

The second and first nodded, and smiled, [s]and remembered[/s]. Silence dominated over the group again as Angela returned to her distant, dreaming state.

The short grass blew lightly in the wind Insert comma but still couldn’t compare to the large trees which swayed slowly but dramatically in the heights above the group. They sat in a close cluster in the middle of a large field. The tall and varied trees surrounded the grassland on all sides. The only direction not covered was up, and the stars sung their silent song down on the peaceful scene [s]while the moon smiled its wide, half moon grin. [/s]Each of the four had a bottle of grape soda which they held onto all too tightly.

“It sure sucks we’re all going to different schools,” the third broke the tension.

“At least we get to go to school. Angie here has to learn from the ‘school of hard knocks’. We’re the lucky ones; we get to call each other.”

Angie didn’t break from her trance, so the first stood up for her, “Angie can visit us whenever she wants. It’s not like she’s a furry beast twenty-four-seven either; she looks human most of the time. She dresses like one too. She’d fit in anywhere.”

“Yeah! We can still visit each other on the weekends too!” the second added, “Do you think we should still help her every time there’s a full moon?”

The first thought awhile before asserting themselves into a decisive position, “Probably. We don’t want her, or anyone else, getting hurt.” Okay, which one was the person that you referred to as a he? Because now you're going back to the whole first, second, third thing. Either refer to the person that you refered to as he before as he throughout the entire thing, or say third one or something because I got a bit confused

“Well that cheers me up a bit,” the third gave a soft smile and then looked back to Angie[s]ela[/s], “Hey, Angie? You haven’t had any of your soda.”


“No, well, it doesn’t taste great,” she said, her eyes meeting theirs. She wrinkled her nose and giggled.

“No? Well, then again, I wouldn’t expect a blood thirsty dog to enjoy grape soda as much as us [s]‘normals’ do[/s],” the third punched her shoulder playfully and ruffled her bright blonde, [s]styled [/s]hair. She giggled again and punched him back, her inhuman strength sent him sliding.

“Oopsie, sorry,” she shrugged and smiled guilitily [s]a guilty smile[/s], embarrassed.

“Gosh, I’m going to miss you,” He smiled, sitting up while massaging his shoulder.

“Look, I heard you guys talking about coming every full moon, and I don’t think I’ll be okay with that,” Angie started.

“You heard us? Why won’t that work?” The first asked, raising an eyebrow curiously.

“Well, what am I going to do when you three go off to college if all I do is depend on you? You all have helped me through the most difficult and vulnerable stage of this…strange disease, but I need to learn how to deal with it on my own. If I wait forever, then I won’t be able to control myself on my own,” her grim face turned into a sly smirk, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, eh?”

Her joke didn’t penetrate the bleak feeling which surrounded the group. The second timidly spoke up, her eyes still fixated on the grass she was ripping out of the ground and tearing into small pieces, “Do we have to say goodbye forever?”

Angela sighed, not wanting to answer, before she nodded, “It’s for the best. I’ll miss every one of you. I don’t want to leave but I think that’s what needs to happen if I’m going to live a life like this.” Show us a bit more feeling here. Shouldn't she be sad too?

“I don’t know how often us three will talk, then,” the first pointed out, “You’re the thing that keeps all of us together, as a group.”

“Did you just refer to me as a thing?” Angie’s eyes [s]playfully[/s] narrowed.

“Yeah, I guess I did,” the first smirked, but their I thought only one person was speaking here voice only portrayed the disappointment.

“I’m sorry,” Angela whispered, “I wish I could stay forever, but it’s not right to do to you. I’ll remember all of you forever.”

Silence again.

“One last run?” the second asked, with a hint of shyness in their voice.

“Sure,” Angela smiled. Then, she stood up and began to change. The light blonde hair from her head grew and grew until it was reaching down her spine. Her clothes became a part of her body and the hair grew from it as much as it did from her skin. She went onto all fours and her lungs grew larger. She sprouted a tail from the tip of her backbone and fangs where her canine’s used to be. She was about the size of a small car. She looked at them, her brown eyes dancing with both sadness and happiness. She took off running and they dashed off after her, yelling in the darkness.

When they tired and stopped to rest, she continued running into the darkness of the woods. The [s]darkness of the [/s]trees slowly consumed her as she run further and further. They watched, knowing it was the end. Eventually the light blonde fur that covered her from tail to head was gone into the forest forever.

“I’ll miss you Angie,” first called out after her, speaking for all of them.

Then, they all went home, and never spoke to one another for a long time. They never forgot, but they never quite remembered that time they knew as the summer. And another summer was never quite the same.