After the Night

Thanks again and again. This means a lot to me that everyone is reviewing it.

Yes, you do have a very good concept here. It is interesting and attention-grabbing, which is always a must!

As I see that two people have already covered your individual nit-picking, I'll just do a basic overview!

1) First, I think you have a good idea of where you want to go with this. But sometimes, it got kind of confusing. When you were talking of the NOTHINGS and the MIST and stuff similiar to that, you go so caught up in that stuff that you kind of forgot all about the story, and what was going on.

2) Now you have me wondering about why did this...girl?? Is she a girl?? because you didn't really specify what gender your MC was...but anyway, back to what I was saying, why did she/he name the moon?? Was this a significant part to your story?? Or did your MC just want a friend because she was lonely?? The latter was what I assumed was going on, but you have to be clear with that.

3) The end. This was too abrupt for me. One minute, you were talking about the MIST and NOTHINGS and the MOON when suddenly, you talk about a crate and how she is going to go live with her aunt. Need to make that transition smoother.

4) DESCRIPTION! I am a big detail-freak, so just bare with me for a second, but this is your prologue, and you are doing A LOT of telling. Do less of that and slip some detail in there, and this will read a lot better.

Okay, other than those things, I have one more question. Is this supposed to be in Fantasy Fiction?? because it sure seems like it to me. If you want to change, I think you have to PM someone who knows how, because I don't have a clue...sorry....but I do think that this seems more Fantasy to me. Unless more of the story wiil prove otherwise, which is possible!

All right, I think I have said enough on that. (and I hope I wasn't being too harsh ) I do really enjoy your story. It has an air of mystery and suspense about it. Very good.

Hope this all helped!

And PM me when you post more. I would love to continue reading this!

Comments in red!

Talking_Pinata wrote:There is no world but here; there is no time but now. This would read better as two separate sentences, to slow down the reader. "There is no world but here. There is no time but now."

The mist hangs low in the valley of the farm and it never lets up. Is the mist a particularly bad thing that will recur and be a large plot point? Otherwise, and probably even if that is the case, it would be best to just say "Mist hangs low..." Also, the way this sentence is structured makes it sound as if the farm, or the farm's valley, is what never lets up.It is a wall that separates me from the Unknown that surrounds on every side"Surrounds on" is not a phrase.. Now and again, a truck will come from the Unknown with chickens or animal feed; it will deliver its cargo, take something of ours, and then delve back into Nothing in which it belongs. I would pick a word other than "delve", which has connotations too close to digging to relate to a truck driving in fog.

I play in the fields with grass which is never trimmed. Me too, but we've got this awesome grass that doesn't grow much. You must clarify in this sentence, so that the reader isn't guessing what you mean while the start the next one. It is as long as the hair that grows from my head, which reaches down my backawkwardly phrased; the fields are as long? Obviously not. Combine the two lines.. I trample and skip through the meadow all day. Sometimes I wander to the edge of Nothing where the fog reaches out with wispy arms.I'm picturing physical arms sticking out, but I may just watch too many zombie movies. They beckon me in silently, but deep in my headawkwardly phrased; "at the back of my mind", perhaps? When you say head, I visualize a physical depth in a physical head. there is a foreboding humming. I wandered into the grey darkness once, only to panic and find myself disoriented. I called out for help and my mother and father came running and saved me. I wasn’t scared away though, I continued to venture to the Edge, where there was nothing but mystery beyond.This doesn't make much sense. Talk about why she wants to go back. Generally children who get lost and disoriented become traumatized and wouldn't go back. We have to feel the same pull that she does.

It’s quiet in our small world, where no one bothers us except for the alien trucksET phone home! I'd pick a different modifier., and even those don’t come every day. Day, in my world, is when I can look up and it is lightIn mine too. This doesn't make much sense.. There are clouds that look a lot like the mist that sometimes block the light out. I wonder sometimesYou used "sometimes" twice with only six words in between. if there are nothings up there as well. They move away though, and the sun shines down.You need to decide whether you're going to capitalize "nothing" and "unknown" and then stick to that choice. Also, this makes me think of nothings as physical bodies or pinpointed places, rather than generalized questions of what is there.

Night, on the other hand, is when it is dark outNo. This must be changed.. Although the MoonThis probably ought not be capitalized. sheds a different, more glass-like light down. The mist is harder to find in the dark, but I would sometimes lie out in the fields anyway. I would gaze up at the Moon who seems to have a face of stun and surprise. She has two grey holes for eyes and one big grey hole for the mouth. She also has tiny grey holes all over her round, bright face. She also has hair almost as long as mine, but not quite. We can’t see it though, because it’s invisible, and she puts tiny little flowers in it that sparkle and shine. The moon’s name is Sheila. Moon: Capitalized, or not? Don't switch back and forth.

If you can keep a secret, I’ll tell you something: I sometimes talk to the moon and tell it things that mother and father won’t ever know. I tell her all the birthday wishes I’ve ever madeAw that's cute., I tell her that sometimes I wish I had someone other than her to talk to, and one time I asked her a question. cut the last phrase to another sentence for drama.

She never answered, so I never asked her anything else. Is the question important later? If not, we need to know it. If so, unless it has to be a secret later, it's probably best we know it now anyway.
I love my little farm and I hate to think that getting in this truck will make a difference. Father says I’m going to visit my aunt, but I scream and shout with all my strength because I know that if I leave this world I’ll get lost in Nothing, and I’ll never come back.This is a rather big jump. I went all "What is this girl talking about?". You need a cleaner transition from the moon to the truck scene, or a more jolting one: for something like this, you absolutely cannot pick an in-between. Also, in the second line, it takes a whole half-a-sentence to get to the part about getting into a truck, and by then it seems really random, as this specific event was never prefaced. Also, make a difference in what? The sentence itself doesn't make much sense, I'm afraid.

Thankyou for the review as well, it means a lot to me.

OK, it looks like the nitpicking is all covered, so I won't repeat it.

Question: Is the MC a guy or girl? Scasha says girl, but it never actually says, and with the tone I think it could be either. You should find a way to incorporate that into the story.

I agree that the opening statement draws readers in. Very mysterious, good. The ending is good to, but not quite as captivating.

I think it's sort of short, even for a prologue, but it's totally up to you if you want to lengthen it or not. As scasha said, there's a good amount of detail without going overboard.

Overall, this is a good, solid start. PM me when the rest comes out or if you have any questions about my review.

Thankyou for the review and I'll be thinking about all of your suggestings.

Hey Pinata! Long time no review! Anyway, here's my review key:
Red = Commetns
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think work better with your piece.
Let's do this thing!

Talking_Pinata wrote:There is no world but here; there is no time but now. Oooooh I like the opening! Very mysterious and enigmatic.

The mist hangs low [s]in the valley of the farm [/s] Okay, I underlined those words because they made this sentence a bit awkward. Instead why don't you say, the mist hangs low in the farm's valley... or something like that because that phrase has a bit too many prepositions in it and it never lets up. It is a wall that separates me from the Unknown that surrounds Surrounds what? The farm? a city? you? be specific on every side. Now and again, a truck will come from the Unknown with chickens or animal feed. It will deliver its cargo, take something of ours, and then delve back into the Nothing [s]in which it belongs. [/s] from which it came
I play in fields of grass that are never trimmed [s]the fields with grass which is never trimmed [/s]. It What is as long? The field or the blades of grass? If it's the grass say the blades are as long... is as long as the hair that grows from my head, which reaches down my back. I trample and skip through the meadow all day. Sometimes I wander to the edge of Nothing where the fog reaches out with wispy arms. [s]They beckon [/s] It beckons me in silently, but deep in my head there is a foreboding humming How does it call to her? Does it make her curious? Show us. . I wandered into the grey darkness once, only to panic and find myself disoriented. I called out for help and my mother and father came running and saved me. I wasn’t scared away though, I continued to venture to the Edge, where there was nothing but mystery beyond. What draws her to it? Is it something subconscious? Is she curious? Does it draw her like a magnet? Does it make her feel something? SHow us

It’s quiet in our small world. N [s]where n[/s]o one bothers us except for the alien trucks, and even those don’t come every day. Day, in my world, is when I can look up and it is light. There are clouds that look a lot like the mist that sometimes block the light out. I wonder [s]sometimes[/s] if there are nothings up there as well. They move away though, and the sun shines down. Does she feel more secure with the sun, is she scared of the clouds? or is she just indifferent

Night, on the other hand, is when it is dark out. Although the Moon sheds a different, more glass-like light down on us. The mist is harder to find in the dark, but I would sometimes lie out in the fields anyway. I would gaze up at the Moon [s]who seems to have a face of stun and surprise[/s]. She has two grey holes for eyes and one big grey hole for the mouth. She also has tiny grey holes all over her round, bright face. She also has hair almost as long as mine, but not quite. We can’t see it though, because it’s invisible, and she puts tiny little flowers in it that sparkle and shine. The moon’s name is Sheila.

If you can keep a secret, I’ll tell you something: I sometimes talk to the moon and tell it things that mother and father won’t ever know. I tell her all the birthday wishes I’ve ever made, I tell her that sometimes I wish I had someone other than her to talk to, and one time I asked her a question.

She never answered, so I never asked her anything else.
I love my little farm and I hate to think that getting in this truck will make a difference. Father says I’m going to visit my aunt, but I scream and shout with all my strength because I know that if I leave this world I’ll get lost in Nothing, and I’ll never come back.