Published September 30, 2014
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,532 Reviews
If this were to perform, I will immediately download it to my phone and listen to it repeatedly! This is fantastic! I love the rhymes and imagery! Mostly the first two lines of the chorus! Like, what you mean by "broke my wrist" is it like, the person who got heart broken was too depressed, the person started cutting until the person's wrists are all broken and drawn on with permanent scars?!
This is just really fantastic! I love reading it! But I would love to hear and listen to this song even more!
Very well written lyrics! I would love to see this performed, Fiend.
Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. I liked how you did your rhyming scheme! I know I tell almost everyone this but my god you just got to love a good rhyming in poems and or music. That is a thing that keeps me interested. Also, since Pomp did all the revising works I can't really see any errors. Great job on the lay out though!
-Keep up the good work
-Nicole
Is this an actual experience or did you just make it up?
It sounds like it really could be a real life problem :/
Mainly just made up
Mainly just made up
Heya, Fiendy! I don't have the time for an in-depth review, so I'll try to make this quick.
Honestly speaking, I know almost next to nothing about critiquing lyrics, so I'll be looking at this like I'd look at a poem. Also, forgive me for any typos/errors I might make; I'm typing this out on a phone.
Righto; nitpicks--
~ 'where' should be 'were'.
~ I think you mean 'disdain'?
Okay, so about verse one: you're obviously addressing someone you possessed strong feelings for once upon a time and this person's behaviour to you has affected you rather severely. That's what you managed to convey to me, at least, from these lines. Now, even when I listen to lyrics, I think the formation of images--or emotions, whatever suits your drift--is very important. I'm just reading this at the mo'; maybe if I was part of the music and the way the song is sung, I'd be more affected. Buuut, the point is that even in lyrics, image-formation is imperative. I found the images in verse one to be a bit bland and (since I assume you're trying to evoke strong feelings within your reader/listener) I think they're not as powerful as they could be. When you mentioned that the person you're addressing 'threw you in the sand', I envisioned a slight push rather than abandonment. That was the feeling that spoke through to me. So far, ze ailment. My suggestions:
1] Remove the 'my' before God. Don't look too deeply into this. All I'm saying is, that if the narrator's God is real to him, he won't say 'my'. It shows that belief is still present, I guess? Although I'm only saying this since it'Il even out the rhythm in the first and second lines.
2] 'Once you'd thrown me in the sand' is a very meh image. I know all the lines need to rhyme, but I'd still suggest playing around with this. Maybe try something like: 'I landed face-first in the sand', or: 'You buried me in burning sand'?
3] Another suggestion I have is for you to establish a constant. This is one recurring image that knits everything you're conveying together. Since you used words like 'grave' and 'carvings', I thought of solid structures, like abandoned buildings, decrepit and with crumbling pillars. Maybe try inserting imagery of that sort as you write? Also, instead of having scattered images, if you merely stick to talking about how whoever-you're-addressing caused your foundation to crumble and turned your world to shambles yadda yadda--it'd make it easier for the reader/listener to form connections. It also gives your lyrics more weight.
Hrm, I think I'll talk about the piece in general here. The tone was't very consistent, I think, and there were several places where you said some pretty heavy things only to follow up with something that causes the whole idea to ... disbalance. Like over here, when you say:
What bugged me about this was that: A) The statement feels very lacklustre and insincere, and B) It's pretty cliche. I think you were trying to twist the whole breaking of hearts into teens tiny shards cliche into something new, but it hasn't worked out that well. Since the narrator mentioned wrists and hearts together, it also seems as is he/she is focussing on how he/she's been physically affected by the ordeal; and it doesn't allow a clear picture to settle in the readers' minds either. This is because it feels incomplete.
Overall, I think this was pretty good and would sound positively splendiferous were you to put it to music; from a writerly viewpoint, some improvement could be made, though. Two things that could use working on is the ambiguity of the piece, since you're obviously talking about heartbreak, but it's not clear whether the narrator was in an abusive relationship. Many vague statements were made, too. Say it concisely, yeah, but make sure you don't leave a ton of stray threads hanging about the place. Oh! Also, try making it seem less rigid. I know lyrics mostly rhyme, but it feels very forced in places and doesn't flow as well as it could. There were some powerful verses in this piece which I really liked, mostly because though they were concrete they conveyed your message beautifully and flowed very well! So I'm sorry if I seemed kinda harsh in this review, but just work on that chorus and some of the lines that don't flow so well. You'll be fine.
Keep writing! Keep up the splendiferous work!
PM me if you needst anything.
~Pompadour
And this, ladys and gentlemen, is Pomps doing a quick review
thanks for those typos 
The second line of each verse is a little longer than the first though, so I'll keep the "My" if you don't mind.
As for making it less 'rigid', sorry but no. I really like songs and poems with set structure, and although it's harder, I just like them a lot more
Btw the relationship itself wasn't supposed to be abusive, but the narrator has been driven to self harm by the end of the relationship -)
Ah, no no, I wasn't implying that it's best to get rid of the structure. XD I just think you could make it flow better (hence seeming less rigid) is all.
*does a jig*
It's on the spotlight!
Btw this was my Terry Jacks impression
hello there...
I've never reviewed lyrics before.
So this should be interesting.
I really wish I could hear the tune to this, because I absolutely love music. You should do that if you haven't already
I find that in most songs, the second verses are the best-written, and I think that's true here, too. Second and third are my favorites!
You use great wording, metaphors, and description to captivate the listener/reader, especially when you throw in something unexpected and dark at the end of a verse.
e.g. "the carvings on my wrist"
Love it!
I must admit though, I don't understand the note at the end. I'm probably just not thinking straight today, so that isn't anything to worry about. Just so you know I can't critique on that.
Overall, I think you did a really nice job! I would love to read more of your stuff. You make writing lyrics seem easy (which I know for a fact, is not)
I get the sense you are quite experienced in this area. Let me know if I'm mistaken XD
awesome and keep it up
~iron.n
You are right, lyrics are what I do the most
although depressing lyrics are.new for me. The last verse is just sort of metaphor etc. Not too much of a key point. Thanks, and please don't forget to *like!*