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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Nice. I like what you've done here. The Shakespeare allusions and rose imagery really works in this poem. You said to be gentle--and I don't have very many suggestions, anyway, except to note that your last stanza, however, is the most troublesome. Here are some of my specific nitpicks of the last stanza:
"Delt" seems to be a typo. I also believe "pray" is a mistaken homophone for "prey." In this line, revising to read something like, "You leave me a predator who has dealt with his prey" might make more sense. "Predator dealt with prey" is a little too vague and concise.
I'm not sure I like the "then" at the end of this line. Maybe just write, "Disheveled, torn, internally malformed"? And add a comma at the end of that line, please.
The line after that only needs "made" capitalized.
The veil "behind which you hid" or "with which you hid yourself" or some similar revision would make more sense here.
As for the last line--excellent ending thought! I do have two grammar suggestions there:
Great Shakespearean-style poem! I enjoyed reading it.
~ jessiethought ~
If I didn't know any better, I'd think you stole this from Shakespeare. Lol.
But seriously it's wonderfully crafted in the Shakespearean style and could easily pass for an original.
This poem really makes me want to check out your other works in hopes that they will be this beautifully thought out.
I also love how you began with describing the beauty, before the problems that came. Instead of most poems which begin with the problem at hand, then bring up what made them fall for it in the first place.
If this is truly an original of yours, you have a talent.
Good luck to you!