Ten thousand miles

by Tag

  • Short Story

Published May 7, 2008

I watch her soar through the sky with feathers whiter than the clouds, her wings sparkling with the last of a long night's rain, and the early morning sun showering her in its pale light.

She flies in vast stretches of miles without rest, her round eyes set firm on her destination, even if she can't see it just yet. Streams of cool air rush through her feathers and brush against her delicate face. Each deep breath fills her lungs with clean, crisp air and a new sense of life. Each one blasts from her mind another worry or pain until her heart, too, can fly with her.

With every powerful stroke of her pearl wings she needs passion and deliberation, whilst her effort is shown in the incomparable grace of her mid-air dance. Each beat is perfect, a rhythmic flow; to, and fro, to, and fro. She needs all these things to keep herself in the air, enough for the winds to see her fit to ride them.

Should she lose that passion to live, or ever doubt her purpose, she'll fall.

Of course it's a long way to reach the ground, but she knows even such distance doesn't count for much against gravity.

Even whilst she sleeps, she flies, because she can never rest. She cannot falter, or ever regret, or her smooth, beautiful wings will lose that steady beat that she's followed since her heart sought out its sound. Rewarding all her trials and hardships, God gave her a gift that she has to sustain.

For all this, she's seen the world from ten thousand points of view, and watched the sun rise from behind the glow. She's swam breathlessly through the monsoon, drifted through a river of stars, and around the mountaintops of islands no human has ever seen. She's glided across the northern lights that stained her wings ten thousand colours.

Living a life knowing what it's like to be free, that's her gift. Each day she fights against gravity, each day she carries her burdens, and still - she flies.

Soaring with feathers whiter than the clouds she crosses the sky, whilst I watch her pass in envy of her courage and strength.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
KJ
Review
KJ wrote a review Review · May 8, 2008

I really liked this. You have a great flow and use lovely language to express/show what is happening. I wouldn't call it a description.

I didn't see much to go back and change. This was just the one thing that bothered me:

Sure, she has ten thousand miles to pick herself up, but she knows that against gravity, ten thousand miles doesn't count for much.

I feel that the use of "Sure" takes away from the solemnity of the piece and the flow.

And that's it! It would be interesting to see what you could do with this if you made it into a Prologue. You should consider it.

Keep writing.

User avatar
canislupis
Review
canislupis wrote a review Review · May 8, 2008

HI!

First off, I have to say I really enjoyed reading this. As has been said, excellent imagery, though the spell check and grammar stuff could be improved. Here are some other things I noticed:




For miles at a time she flies, her round eyes set firm on her destination, even if she can't see it just yet. Streams of cool air rush through her feathers and brush against her delicate face. Each deep breath fills her lungs with clean, crisp air and a new sense of life. Each one blasts from her mind another worry or pain until her heart, too, can fly with her.


How exactly can one fly 'miles at a time'? Re-word?



With every powerful stroke of her pearl wings she needs passion and deliberation, whilst her effort is shown in the incomparable grace of her mid-air dance. Each beat is perfect, a rhythmic flow; too, and frow, too, and frow. She needs all these things to keep herself in the air, enough for the winds to see her fit to ride them.


Hmm... Nice imagery here... But we're getting back to the whole spell-check thing here. ;)

Should she loose that passion to live, or ever doubt her purpose, she'll fall. Sure, she has ten thousand miles to pick herself up, but she knows that against gravity, ten thousand miles doesn't count for much.


Wait... What? I understand the first sentence, but the second one seems out of place. I was also confused by the whole idea of 'ten thousand miles to pick her up'... I thought she was flying ten thousand miles... XD

The word 'Sure' also seems out of place in this context.



Even whilst she sleeps, she flies, because she can never rest. She cannot falter, or ever regret, or her smooth, beautiful wings will loose that steady beat that she's followed since her heart sought out its sound. Rewarding all her trials and hardships, God gave her a gift that she must sustain.


Ooh... That would be terrible. :) I think the last sentence could be revised as such: 'God gave her a gift that she has to sustain.' Or something along those lines, to keep within the right tense.

She's glided across the northern lights, that stain her wings ten thousand colours.


Watch your comma use here. Normally when a sentence is split by a comma, both of the parts should be able to stand by them selves and still make sense. IMO, this sentence would be fine if you just deleted the comma.

Living a life knowing what it's like to be free, that's her gift. Each day she fights against gravity, each day she carries her burdens, and still - she flies.


Lovely imagery here, but a teensy weensy bit cliche, don't you agree?

Soaring with feathers whiter than the clouds she crosses the sky, whilst I watch her pass in envy of her courage and strength.


Ah... So it was first person? Hmm.... Not sure if I like that or not. It mkes me wonder if you are going to continue this or not.


Overall~

Very entertaining, I enjoyed the time spent reading it. ;) If this is a stand-alone piece, good luck writing you next piece. And if it isn't, PM me when you post more! ;)

Try to watch your gramar, tense, spelling, and punctuation, as well as other mechanics stuff that can get in your way. It will make your work seem more polished, and people will be more likely to give you reviews.

So-- questions or comments, please PM me. ;)

See ya!

~Lupis



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User avatar
Robin
Review
Robin wrote a review Review · May 8, 2008

She soars through the sky with feathers whiter than the clouds, the last of a nights rain sparkling on her wings, and the early morning sun showering her in its pale light.


Re-word what I put in bold. I understand what you said but it just sounds a little odd.

For miles at a time she flies, her round eyes set firm on her destination, even if she can't see it just yet.


Firmly

Each beat is perfect, a rhythmic flow; too, and frow, too, and frow.


To. Fro.

Should she loose that passion to live, or ever doubt her purpose, she'll fall.


Lose

She cannot falter, or ever regret, or her smooth, beautiful wings will loose that steady beat that she's followed since her heart sought out its sound.


Lose

She's glided across the northern lights, that stain her wings ten thousand colours.


Stained

Sorry I pointed out just a few things I noticed. Also, watch your comma placement. Other than that this had excellent imagery. It was short but it had a lot in it. Nice job :D



The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
— William Shakespeare