Tabithalillian wrote:This is a story that shall kinda play out with a phantom of the opera-e feel. Well harsh reviews welcome, my grammer and paragraphing skill suck but it is a rough draft, I just had an urge to write and these are the words I came up with so enjoy.
Okay, let's get this party started then.
Tabithalillian wrote: I opened the door as quietly as I could. My mom may as well have been dead when she was asleep, but my dad would be up if I had so much as dropped a playing card in front of his door. I manage to shut the old door with out is squeaking. A miracle.
First of all, you change tense a lot in this single paragraph. Try to find some consistency in the way you want to write, know if it's going to be in present or past tense, and most importantly- stick to it.
Second: this has to to with the second sentence in the section. It sounds cluttered and hardly makes sense the way it is, you might want to try something different like:
"My mom might as well have been dead when she slept, but my dad was another story. If I so much as dropped a playing card in front of his door he would be awake..." or something like that. Jut try to make the section flow as well as you can. Secondly, this section brought up a question, do her parents sleep in different rooms? If so, why?
Tabithalillian wrote: We had moved in three days ago. Yup that’s right moved right in the middle of no where, Fallston Maryland. There were some pretty thick woods behind our house and it was amazing I had waited this long to sneak out. If I was moving into the middle of nowhere then, I was gonna get to know it. Fall was just starting and I was so used to Florida’s hot temperatures I had my checked sweatshirt pulled around my tiny frame.
Corrections:
Yup, that's right. [punctuation] Moved right in the middle of nowhere [one word].
If I was moving to the middle of nowhere then [no comma] I was going to [sounds better than gonna] get to know it.
Tabithalillian wrote: I looked up, trees.
This reads strangely. It almost stumped me for a minute before I realized what you were saying. This would do better to be said a little more formally, as in, using a full and complete sentence. Right now you have the necessary subject, noun, and verb, but then you add another subject and it gets weird. Go ahead and say something like. "I looked up at the trees..." or "I looked up and saw trees..."
Tabithalillian wrote: I walked a little more leaves crunched under my black plaid DC shoes...
Comma after 'more'.
Tabithalillian wrote: I was wicked skinny, almost underweight. My boobs were a pretty average size for a 16 year old. I had ashy colored eyes with thin brows, hick lashes and shoulder length auburn curls, my mouth was soft and pink, shaped like an American Girl Doll's and just a tad to small. My eyes just a little big larger than the average gal, making my eyebrows permanently raised up. Giving me a perpetually suprised appearence. My hair curled out crazily and you could say it complimented my the oval shape of my face, but then again it's dark, rich color made my already fair skin take on the term 'pale'. I wasn’t beautiful, or even pretty. Cute was a more appropriate term.
This is really unnecessary and just pulls the reader out of the story instead of doing it's job and bringing the reader in. You don't always need to stop somewhere in the beginning of a story and actually describe the character. There are better and more natural ways to do this without disturbing the reader. Just take this part out and save it for later, your story will survive, trust me.
Tabithalillian wrote: I walked farther in to the woods, it was interesting you didn’t come upon a mini mart at ever turn. Just crimson and gold leaves and a few flowers still holding on though their stems and leaves were brittle and frost coated.
It's awkward to read the "it was interesting..." part. You might want to try something more like "It was interesting not seeing a mini mart at every turn; just crimson gold leaves and a few flowers...."
Tabithalillian wrote: I stood still, not moving.
Still means not moving, pick one or the other for this sentence, not both.
Tabithalillian wrote: Who would be in the woods at one AM?
Replace AM with 'in the morning', or just keep it lowercase.
Tabithalillian wrote: Long raven black hair fell to his shoulders, twigs and dirt were clumped in it, yet it still managed to seem and shimmer.
shine and shimmer, is what I imagine you meant.
Tabithalillian wrote: He was crouched down on the ground like some kind of animal. He was thin, but not a creepy anorexic thin. He had some build to him especially on his chest. No shirt covered this man’s torso so a snowy white chest was showing in the pale moonlight filtering though the trees.
Overuse of the word "He", along with slight over description. You could say all of this in a few simple sentences and get the same point across without cluttering the piece with something like:
"He was crouched low to the ground like some kind of animal. His bare chest gleamed in the pale moonlight." See, same point, but leaving out the unnecessary details.
Tabithalillian wrote: His pants looked like they would have once belonged with a tailcoat but now were ripped and stained. His face was sharp and held a sculpted nose. It held two eyes so blue they were nearly white. His mouth was the perfect shape and size and redder than any thing I had ever seen. Those same lips were pulled back over teeth so white they seemed to glow. All were perfect rectangles all accept his canines. They were long and lethal, they belonged on one of those shark tooth necklaces that they sold in tropic gift shops.
Same thing here. I helped you with the last one, so I'll let you unclutter this one yourself. Just take out all the repetition and less than useful descriptions and you're in business.
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Overall, you seem to be off to a good, if slightly shaky start. For the most part you did fine with all the descriptions and scenes, but there were a few things I feel I should point out to help you make it that much better.
:arrow: Watch the comma use. You're either overusing or missing commas, but in either case it's misuse.
:arrow: Don't forget emotion!!!! This was an emotionless section with a hint of fear. But for the most part you completely ignored the narrator's feelings. What were they going through? Excitement of being in a new place, fear over what she might find? What is she going through?
:arrow: Remember the five sense and use them wisely! All you use so far is partial sight, but what about the other senses? What does she hear or smell? What does the air taste like? What does she touch? There's no sense of adventure so far, no feeling like I might be the character herself. Nothing that pulls the reader in and keeps them there.
:arrow: Find something that makes this a story on it's own, not a story to please an already established group. Color outside the lines with your writing, and it will add to your story.
This is good so far, keep it up!
-JC
Points: 890
Reviews: 514
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