Terribly sorry if this is in the wrong place but it is romantic so I deceded to post it here. Critisim loved and please check out more of it on my website www.tabithalillian.com and comment there too! so here it is!
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My name is Calla, I was born in 1718, and died in 1735. In life, I was Katelyn--a happy girl living in Salem Village. Thinking on the past makes me long for the days when I feared death, instead of living within it.
I reach for the diary, placed neatly on my bedside table. The leather cover is cracked, the pages yellowed with age. I scan over Katelyn's loopy writing filling the pages. I sit on my bed and let my mind wander to the date written in the corner of the page: August 19, 1735.

I skipped down the dusty road from the village, one arm linked through my sister Alice's and the other hand holding a perfect red rose, given to me by Collin. I basked in the envious gazes that the other village girls gave me, and smirked. Collin was perhaps the most sought-after boy in all of the village we called Salem. He was tall and slender, but muscular. His skin was a soft caramel and his eyes an intense dark brown, almost black. His long brown-black curls framed his face, with defined cheek bones and an immaculate jaw line. He was every thing I found attractive, from his quirky humor, to his looks and small sweet, mouth.
I, too, was sought-after in the village.
My father was a wealthy, successful merchant, and my looks were nothing to sneeze at. If a boy wanted a good bride they wanted me.
"You are ever so lucky Kate, Collin is head over heels for you, and just about every girl in the village is after him," chirped Alice. She was my younger sister, best friend... and only sibling I actually cared for. I smiled and looked over at her. She was the spitting image of myself when I was 13. Short but slender (if not more shapely) and the same intense blue eyes, high cheekbones, light skin, and blonde ringlets. I smiled down at her again, and her voice pulled me back to reality.
"Kate, did you hear me?" she asked, her brows delicately raised.
"Yes Alice, I heard you, and I guess I am lucky. But you forget not every one wants Collin. What is her name, the strange one... Ella." I said, smirking. Upon noticing she was right behind us I wrinkled my nose and twisted my mouth into a scowl as if I had smelled some thing sour. But a smile only pulled at the corners of Ella's impossibly red mouth, like she knew something I didn't. I stuck out my tongue and walked a bit faster. Ella was odd, beautiful... yes, eerily beautiful. With waist-length black hair that faded to red, almost like poison, crimson eyes and lips to match. But her skin was so deathly pale. One would think she was dead. She had been tried as a witch many times before, thanks to myself and Alice. But she never hung. It was quite odd really. I just put her out of my head and twirled the rose around and around in my hands.
I walked up the long dirt road, our large white house coming into view. Skipping up onto the steps, I pushed open the door and entered.
Our maid, Hattie, eyed the rose and I dismissed her with wave of my hand, pecking Alice on the cheek as I left her and went to our china cabinet to fetch a vase. Upon getting this I went up to my bedroom on the top floor, skipping two steps at a time and setting the rose and the vase on my window. I smiled, running my fingers over the silky smooth petals.
"Supper!" The voice of one of the many maids called up the stairs to my and I took one last look at the rose before slipping off my day gown and changing into some thing more suitable for supper. Once changed, I hurried out the door and down the stairs. I hated to be late for supper and my stepmother didn't approve of being late for a meal with the family either. I doubted the entire family would be there, though. Each day following my mother's death, father had grown more and more distant, untill he just seemed to leave all together. He took on another wife, who had two boys of her own and was all business from then on. He never joined us for meals, or any other family event.
When I took my seat at the table Alice was talking animatedly to Ruth, my step mother, about the flower and as soon as Ruth saw me she smiled.
"Congratulations, Katelyn dear. Myself and your father will be very happy when our oldest daughter finally takes a husband-- and a rather charming husband if I do say so myself." I nodded and stared at my plate. My step mother was kind enough but her need to fill the room with constant chatter and forced happiness bothered me.
"Mother dear, it is not for sure that this relationship will even go any where yet, I mean honestly, who would fancy a girl as hot-headed as our Katelyn," said my smirking oldest brother, Owen. Owen was tall and thin, with shoulder length, ashy blonde hair, big soft blue eyes, and a crooked smile. If he had not been my brother I would have thought him rather good looking. I kicked him with the toe of my boot and he winced. Now it was my turn to smirk. Alice stifled a laugh.
As usual, Christopher and Ethan were silent. The two boys were Ruth's sons. They were twins and both had ruddy skin. Dark short hair, sunken cheeks, bulging dark eyes, bloodless thin lips and the one time they tried to even bother me with their wicked little grins, I slapped each one of them so hard they hardly spoke in my presence at all. The only one they would so much as smile at was Owen. Both boys would be hardly good looking when they got a bit older. Christopher looked in my direction and I gave him my best dagger looks, making him suck in his breath and turn instantly away. I must say both looked rather sickly, all the time.

After supper I excused myself and went upstairs to the wonderful silence of my own room. Owen was making my head throb and as much as I cared for the dear little thing Alice would not shut up. The twins were silent as always. Up stairs I slipped into a light cotton shift, replacing my heavy skirts of the day, and lay down in my bed. I waited for sleep to come but it was slow. Quick images of Ella filled my head, and after a moment I fell into a somewhat feverish sleep.
In my dream I forgot all about Collin--there was a boy, one like Ella, but with short unruly red hair, and eyes to match. He, too, was a most unhealthy white... and most unhealthily beautiful. He called to me and of course I went. What girl in their right mind would ignore a most handsome man that called for you. I awoke with a jolt, and tossed and turned for the rest of the night. It was near midnight and I could not sleep at all. The night was not extremely hot. I felt fine, I just could not sleep.
Then it came.
A tap on my window, the same sill that held the rose Collin had given me. It was the boy from the dream I had been having, he was tall and muscular, short unruly red hair, big red eyes, and dead white skin. He smiled, and I was instantly in a trance. I paid no heed to the snake fangs that came from his mouth. He was beautiful, and a small voice that seemed to belong to another whispered in the back of my mind,"I want you." that was all that mattered. I opened my window and he offered his large hand. I took it (of course) and he helped me down from my bedroom and held me against his broad chest. Once again, enthralled with his beauty I was too stupid to notice how deathly cold his body was.
I also forgot about how my room was on the top floor, and he had just seemed to appear by my window.
Once on the ground, he faced the woods to the back of my house, then he began a walk, quick paced and fluid. I felt more like he was dancing then walking. And then he lifted up into the air, and still I didn't notice anything a miss. He stopped too soon for me, and set me down, cupping my chin in his hand, and looking over my head he spoke in voice deep, and smooth as silk.
"Can't I just have a little taste Ella, She really looks and smells like she would be worth just a few drops, or maybe I can get you her sister instead and I'll take her," He said, giving the woman who stood before us a twisted smile. It was then that the spell he had on me broke, we were not alone, we were in a clearing in the woods, and she was right behind us.
That was brilliant. I felt like i was getting pulled into the story - i want more! I thought it was great how it was set out, i really felt like i knew the main character. But just one thing. I thought the part about Ella could have been more significant, i am guessing that she will be a big part of the story and i think you spent more time describing the brothers than describing her.
I thought it was brilliant. I felt myself getting drawn into the story, it was pulling me in, i wanted to know everything about the characters. One thing though, i thought the part about Ella was too small, you talked more about the brothers and the twins than about her, and at the end you needed more description on her to make you beleave taht something was about to happen. I thought the scene with the window was good, but i think it could do with more description, how the main character felt in her mind as she was in the spell, what she was thinking.
Great job!
Right, I'll just say I'm sorry if I repeat anything from what anyone else has said, but I dont particularly look at other's reviews until I've done it myself - this way I wont feel influenced. This will be a step by step review, mostly. I think there are other parts to this, right? Well I'll get around to reviewing them at a later date, if you wanna post the links on my review page 
Okay, good start with the narrative but I feel that it's unclear as to who she is/could be in what seems to be her "after-life"? You jumble it all around a little and it only becomes a little clearer towards the ending sentence of those first paragraphs.
"I, too, was sought-after in the village." No need for this comma.
"You are ever so lucky Kate, Collin is head over heels for you" This should be a period.
"best friend... and only sibling" No need for these period pauses. It doesn't creat the desired effect and you would probably be much better of with just a comma or no punctuation there at all.
"But she never hung." Technically, they never hung witches. They would usually either burn them at the stake right away or push them from a cliff with water or nothing at the bottom. If they died from the fall, or drowned, they would have had "an innocent death" but if they were to save themselves, whether it be witchcraft or not, they would then be burnt at the stake.
"My step mother was kind enough but her need to fill the room with constant chatter and forced happiness bothered me. " I liked this; you created a good sense of how uncomfortable it seems.
"unhealthily beautiful." Argh.. I dont like this little descriptive phrase here; it seems forced. I'm not sure how it could be reworded though...
Summary
Okay, okay I liked this but it's really not the most original story in history. There is that element of Twilight in it and also a little of Salem's lot. You need to be careful of this as it could bore the reader and they could not continue to read on.
I like how it was set in the past time, and instead of the present but this too seems to be unoriginal, as such. Vampires, paranoia were all the rage back then, huh? Research some facts before you put them into your work, such as how Quakers use to deal with witches.
You're writing seems more like a commentary than a narrative and this becomes annoying as time wears on. You need to sturcture your sentences so that they flow a lot easier to the reader.
This is a good idea, although could do with a little tweakng here and there. Feel free to message me and I will also get around to reviewing the rest when I can. Sorry this has been so delayed.
Heh, I'll get through the nit-picks (don't worry, not too many) and get on with the meat of the review ^-^
I awoke with a jolt, and tossed and turned for the rest of the night. It was near midnight and I could not sleep at all. The night was not extremely hot. I felt fine, I just could not sleep.
My name is Calla, I was born in 1718, and died in 1735. In life, I was Katelyn--a happy girl living in Salem Village. Thinking on the past makes me long for the days when I feared death, instead of living within it.
I reach for the diary, placed neatly on my bedside table. The leather cover is cracked, the pages yellowed with age. I scan over Katelyn's loopy writing filling the pages. I sit on my bed and let my mind wander to the date written in the corner of the page: August 19, 1735.
Once again, enthralled with his beauty I was too stupid to notice how deathly cold his body was.
Tabithalillian, I am so so sorry that it took me so long to get to this. But you know, with school starting and homework and all that jazz, it’s hard to get on and read this stuff.
But here I am correcting so hopefully this helps 
My name is Calla, I was born in 1718, and died in 1735.
Thinking on the past makes me long for the days when I feared death, instead of living within it.
He was every thing I found attractive, from his quirky humor, to his looks and small sweet, mouth.
"You are ever so lucky Kate, Collin is head over heels for you, and just about every girl in the village is after him," chirped Alice.
"Yes Alice, I heard you, and I guess I am lucky. But you forget not every one wants Collin. What is her name, the strange one... Ella."
"Supper!" The voice of one of the many maids called up the stairs to my and I took one last look at the rose before slipping off my day gown and changing into some thing more suitable for supper.
"Can't I just have a little taste Ella, She really looks and smells like she would be worth just a few drops, or maybe I can get you her sister instead and I'll take her," He said, giving the woman who stood before us a twisted smile.
I accidently forgot to uncheck the box that says 'Notify me when a reply is posted' But I'm glad I didn't because then I wouldnt be able to say 'Rose Red is one of my favorite movies!!!' haha!! 
Also, I really don't see how the girl above you said that this sounds like Twilight. It totally doesn't to me, but that's just my opinon. Like, where in your story does it have a moral sexy vampire trying to stay away from a normal human? THEN fall inlove?
Well, your story is still in the making. I am so excited!!!
--Jasmine
P.S. I have a new teacher at my school and she asked what my favorite book was and I couldn't choose just one book. I love so many. So I paniced and said Twilight!
thank you for the compliment, I will post the fourth installment today, but first one thing yes I tend to use books I admore as a crutch for my storys, like stephen king's movie Rose Red was almost an exact copy of The Haunting Of Hill House because he admired that book so much. But remember these are only the first few pages so it shall change more and more, the cullens didnt have to deal with hot head fey did they? And they didnt feed off humans. and collin's not a new kid, he is a student teacher, but I do know wacha mean. Well then back on topic, I know collin sounds hot, he a a charecter designed perfectly to meet my standards (I used a totaly sexy boy at school I adore as a model)
Ohhhhh. Collin sounds really hot. But it does sound like a reverse of Twilight, which is what many people are saying about my book Cold Bay, but what they don't know is that theres NO vampires in it, no evil, bad guys. Just a normal human story. But im off topic. Your storys really good. I love that you put alot of description in it. 
I can't wait to read and review chapter 2! I hope not that its not! GREAT story so far!
Hello. Sorry this took me so long, my dad kept interrupting me
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I can never refuse a vampire novel...I'm addicted to them. Haha.
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My name is Calla, I was born in 1718, and died in 1735. In life, I was Katelyn--a happy girl living in Salem Village. Thinking on the past makes me long for the days when I feared death, instead of living within it.
and my looks were nothing to sneeze at.
If a boy wanted a good bride they wanted me.
"You are ever so lucky Kate, Collin is head over heels for you,
She was the spitting image of myself when I was 13
Upon noticing she was right behind us I wrinkled my nose and twisted my mouth into a scowl as if I had smelled some thing sour.
.She had been tried as a witch many times before, thanks to myself and Alice
Upon getting this I went up to my bedroom on the top floor,
When I took my seat at the table Alice was talking animatedly to Ruth, my step mother, about the flower and as soon as Ruth saw me she smiled.
My step mother was kind enough but her need to fill the room with constant chatter and forced happiness bothered me.
Up stairs
I was too stupid to notice
"Can't I just have a little taste Ella, She really looks and smells like she would be worth just a few drops, or maybe I can get you her sister instead and I'll take her," He said, giving the woman who stood before us a twisted smile. It was then that the spell he had on me broke, we were not alone, we were in a clearing in the woods, and she was right behind us.
Hello,
Ooooh, be careful using "Salem" because I instantly think of "Salem's Lot" by King about vampires. There are so many vampire novels it can be impossible to nix all similarities but I try anyway, lol.
This will be confusing but I feel like the second sentence of the first paragraph should be at the end of the second paragraph. See what you think. Otherwise it feels to me like you are jumping into it without transition.
I walked happily down the dusty road from the Village. Skipping slightly, - I don't think village needs to be capitalized. Let me give you a piece of advice that I don't always take myself but is a good general rule. Never use adverbs when using a stronger verb can say the same thing. eg- happily and slightly in these lines can be changed to "I skipped down the dusty road from the village." The verb skipped implies happiness, have you ever seen a sad person skip? If youd di it would be creepy. SO whenever a word ends in ly, make sure you need it. This is a very hard skill and I'm still working on it too.
a perfect red rose. Given to me by Collin- woops, this happens a few times. Make sure you use complete sentences unless it is stylistically necessary to use fragments.
I, too, was one of the most sought-after girls in the village.- Ok, but he was a sought after boy, so either "I, too, was one of the most sought-after boy in the village." or, as I suspect you mean "I, too, was sought after in the village.
not every one wants Collin for herself.- everyone, and I'd take off "herself" since that makes it seems Ella wants Collin for someone else, lol. Which would be interesting.
ok, so minor mechanical errors aside, I was interested in this piece. It leaves me wanting to read more. I'd like to see a little more temper from the MC to emphasize her as someone special instead of just another spoiled rich kid. I always like characters with flaws or some relatable surliness. It's up to you, though. I'd also like to know more about all of the characters, not just physically, but through dialogue with Collin and some of the others. it felt a bit like you were just looking for a way to introduce all of the characters in the beginning without an plot development. I'm always an evil character fan, maybe that's why my MC are always mean, lol, but I really want to know more about Ella, though she seems like she could be explained later. Be very careful with a pale red haired vampire, considering Edward from the twilight series. You are bound to have the two compared and it could really take away from the originality of your story.
You probably hate to hear this, but you are really good at writing for your age, much better than I was. I feel that you have a sound grasp on plot and character and only need time and commitment to develop it further. I look forward to reading more.
Oh my gosh I adore you! I like getting nice reviews on my website but most of them are "Oooh this is so good post more." Those are nice but I really really needed a review like this. I am editing this tonight right here and now, and again I thank you so much! This was my rough draft and ill post the seccond thing! As I said before these are my rough drafts so people (like your self) can tell me what worked and what didnt. I am flattered that you think I have potential and skill, and I am just thrilled!! I shall pm you whith the seccong bit! THANK YOU SO MUCH again and again!
Hello! 
Your story looked so sad with no reviews, so I'll remedy that for you.
First, a bit of nit-picking!
Collin was perhaps the most sought after boy in all of the village we called Salem.
His skin was a soft brown and his eyes an intense dark brown, almost black.
Maybe his skin could be a soft honey, tan, caramel, etc.He was every thing I found attractive, from his quirky humor, to his looks and small sweet mouth.
My father was a wealthy, successful merchant, and my looks were nothing to sneeze at.
Father seemed to be getting more and more distant each day since my mother's death and one day he seemed to just leave all together.
Never joining us for meals, or any other family event.
said my smirking oldest brother, Owen.
Owen was tall and thin, with shoulder length, bleach blonde hair, big soft blue eyes, and a crooked smile.
He, too, was a most an unhealthy white...
What girl in their right mind would ignore a most handsome man that called for you.
I awoke with a jolt, and tossed and turned for the rest of the night. It was near midnight and I could not sleep at all.
It was the boy from the dream I had been having before this, he was tall and muscular, short unruly red hair, big red eyes, and dead white skin.
He was beautiful, and he wanted me, that was all that mattered.
Once on the ground, he faced the woods to the back of my house, and we ran. Well, he ran. And could this boy run, so fast I had to bury my head in his shoulder to keep from getting sick.
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