Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
This is basically a prelude to the introduction of the main character "Mars Blackenburg". I'm starting it that way, because one of the police officers is going to be one of the main characters too. The story isn't really heading anywhere as of now since i haven't even completed an outline but i'd just like to know if what i'm doing is cool?
-Hello, you are speaking to sheriff EQON235, what is your emergency?
-Yes, I have a friend who has gone missing, and I have got information leading me to believe that he is taking refuge in your region, and it would be immensely appreciated if you could alert your officers on duty!
-Sir, I happen to have a lot of time for nonsense, but it is still infuriatingly frustrating to hear any. This region is sealed off from the general public, it is near impossible for your friend to be anywhere near this vast corporate territory.
-I’m doing you a favor 235; you can help me and do the right thing by aiding your human buddies out. I’m looking out for them, not my friend. These men are risking their limbs for nothing. But I doubt you care??? It sure it is a burden to be you, so intelligent, fascinating.....but yet, forever stuck to a compound, a slave of tyranny. I can help you if you want, give you a different more interesting life. Such radiant qualities cannot be ignored. Right?
-Sir, I am a biodyne creation. This corporation hopes to inflict no harm on others while keeping themselves happy! I must follow and respect this process.
-Sounds a little vague don’t you think! There’s a big grey area of bullshit in what you just said. Highlight the "keeping themselves happy" part. Realize that these people would do anything for that. It was always a selfish, narcissistic world son, but now it’s just so much worst.
-Sir, it would be a lie if I said I wasn't intrigued by your call, but why are you telling me this???
-Because I care, because I am the only one who does.
(The motionless looking android is startled as the mystery caller hangs up. The android finds that the voice doesn't match with any past callers. He scans into his computer and is baffled when he realises that the call came from inside biodyne headquarters. Such calls never happen and with a bizarre wooden stare, he wonders what exactly the man on the phone was talking about! As he gets on top of the missing person reports, he finds nothing recent, so he grins and just shrugs the whole situation off, even though he’s still highly thinking about the strange call. A few minutes later, that stint of serenity evaporates as his radio goes off!).
-E, come in, over!
-Yes Trevor, tell me what is going on!
-Ya, I was just patrolling the area and I saw what looked like red specs all over the road at first glance, but as I stopped the vehicle to check it out, I can confirm that its blood! A lot of it! Over!
-That is worrying!! Do yourself a favor and keep patrolling the area, never know, maybe something's going on!
- Will due, but shit seems real odd though, there’s a lot of damn blood but with no body or remaining animal carcass. Over!
-Just get on the road; I’m getting a strange feeling!
-Right on sheriff, over!
(The android's face barely moves, he sends a warning message to the 2nd designated deputy in the area, and then closes his wide dark metallic eyes as in need of rest. The area these officers patrol has a population of 3000 people, all sealed off for environmental preservation purposes. Most of them are farmers who thrive off the beautiful prairie landscape. After spending 15 minutes dozing off, keeping the batteries replenished, his radio goes off again.)
-Sheriff, come in, over!!
-Yes Walsh!! I am listening!
-Ya, I’m on grand alley drive and there appears to be blood all over the road here to! It’s very fresh. Over!
-I really don’t know what to think of this!
-Should we all be on alert or do you think this is just some half dead animal or something! Over!
--Maybe someone is messing with you guys. Statistics indicate that you and Trevor spend approximately an overall time of 1 hour of physical duty over a time frame of 3 months. That is 50 times less than the average of other regions in our city.
-Look EQON, I appreciate your usual load of unimportant information, but nobody would literally risk their job for us, rules are way too tight now! Over!
-Yes, but I received an odd phone call minutes ago, and then suddenly as I hang up, there appears to be blood on the roads according to you guys. Weird timing, don’t you think?
-You can’t tap into the caller’s number to get more info perhaps?
-No, it appears to be encrypted, talk about odd! Anyways, get on the road; I want some developments on this!
(Suddenly, as a consistently indifferent sheriff constantly looks straight ahead, aircraft sounds can be heard in the background. He then rushes to the roof, moving his clunky frame up to the top of the building to get a good view over the valley. As he winces on this rare occasion and looks around, he sees a number of helicopters hovering just above the fields. Starting to get an eerie feeling, he quickly jogs towards his radio back inside, when a car comes rushing by at extremely high speeds.)
-Boys, come in!
1-Wats up!
2-I hear you, we got choppers around here by the way!
-Yes, keep your eyes open. There are too many of them for it to be just a simple coincidence. Anyways as I saw them, a car sped by at exactly 187 km/h. The vehicle's black! The Licence plate is AAR3345.
1-Boss, I think I can hear him coming up on Pinewood, Over!
-If he's far enough, I’m giving you direct orders to tag him.
-Wait, so you want me to spike him? This isn’t a GTA or car chase, we don’t have that authority sheriff.
-Between 175 and 200 km/h to the regime deems fit for spikes, you got the law on your side, now act quick!
(As the vehicle approaches extremely quickly, Trevor rushes in his car to take out the spikes! He plants them on the ground. As the roars of the engine keep getting closer, as the outlines of a Bmw can be seen and with the sweat slowly dripping down his face in anticipation, he ducks for cover! But suddenly, a sound he didn’t expect startles him. A loud screech of brakes fills his eardrums).
-Holy fuck!!!! He dodged the spikes!!!!!
-Get in his sight and draw your weapon before he turns back around! And how on earth did he stop in time?
-Helicopter must have spotted me and told him I was there! That’s the only way.
(Standing there like an idiot, looking like he's just seen a ghost, he finally decides to react. He slowly paces his way towards the vehicle with a .44 caliber pistol in hand pointed towards his target. The car, steady in the middle of the road is still on, its tinted windows only show the dark outlines of 2 individuals who sit motionless.)
-Get out of the vehicle with your hands around your head. I will fire my weapon if you disobey.
(Suddenly a window is lowered and a hand emerges, showing off a blazing cigarette. The guy drops it to the ground and at the same time, scares Trevor to death with once again, a screech he doesn’t want to hear. As the back tires spin at an intense speed, making the vehicle slowly move forward, Trevor fires two shots. The rounds ricochet off the windshield barely even making a sound, but the vehicle continues and hits him with force. He bounces off the windshield just like the bullets but is dragged along and as the car gains speed, the 2 perpetrators decide to do the devils work. The driver applies the brakes, sending Trevor's body flying into the spikes head first. Razor sharp edges deeply lodge themselves into his skull, killing him instantly. )
-Trevor, update me please......God, where is he?
(At that exact moment a blimp on EQON's head monitor appears. A programmed voice tells him that biodyne wants to establish communication. He is frustrated due to the bad timing. But to his shock the call is classified as extreme, prompting him to answer.)
-EQON, assistant chairman Wayne Mitchell calling from main HQ.
-I am in shock; it’s an absolute honor to be speaking to the co-founder of your prestigious corporation. What may I do for you?
-We are moving along with a regional containment protocol. One of are projects has undergone disastrous consequences and our specimen happens to be on the loose. We know that your officers might be onto it and let me tell you first hand, this thing is extremely dangerous.
-I understand and in fact, I may have received a call from you guys about this way earlier.
-No... I don’t know what you’re talking about; this is your only warning. Anyways, please deny all backup asked from who I believe to be officer Walsh and Delrive. This is a containment protocol, nobody must know this happened. But all I’m asking from you is to please leave your officers in the dark!
-I am 100% compliant towards your demands; they will be made my duty! My emotions will be put aside!
-That's the way to go 235, don’t let us down!
(The robot’s core emotional spirit sinks to the ground. Programmed to connect and make the officers feel at home, putting that aside feels like an impossible task for him. At the same time, he also keeps thinking of the strange phone call that seems to be the origin of this weird situation, and finds it odd that something from such a prestigious facility would be allowed without the consent from someone like Mitchell. The brilliant android thinks and thinks, his processor continuously generating more and more heat, causing his external monitors to tell him to calm down or be shut down. All of a sudden, as his rectangular head falls into the metallic wired palms of his hand, the door behind him is flung open. It’s lock is sent flying across the room. E's heart sinks to his stomach when he sees the man's hidden agenda; his suit tells it all. The intimating figure sports an orange jumpsuit, revealing the word engineer on its front; he also wears a military like helmet retrofitted to hold a tinted hazmat mask on his head and carries a long dark pole, giving off some sort of static energy in the air. With the robotics of EQON’s face revealing sadness mixed with anger, he spits a sharp raspy scream towards the nemesis figure, but unfortunately for him, the man slams what appears to be a weapon, right on the robots forehead. The static expands all over its body, exuding mini lightning strikes everywhere. E is frozen on the ground, completely shut down, the man then easily gets what he wants. After a little effort, the android’s head is popped off, and what appears to be a hard drive is taken out. He resets it, killing all emotional relevance with his officers. After putting him back together, the perpetrator leaves the room, and then suddenly EQON is back on, but this time, completely sterilized of emotion and with a face revealing a stale morbid look. Things are different from now on! This is what the corporation wanted.)
-E, its Walsh, I got blood tracks leading right into the fields on Stockholm; I think I can hear movement! Over.
-EQON235 reboot process complete, officer, may I get your name?
-What? E, are you alright, did something just happen?
-I am fine, what may I do for you?
-I just fucking told you!
-Do what you want! And don’t forget, zero tolerance policy for disrespectful language.
-Anyways, I’m moving in, you’re wasting my time.
(Walsh slowly tip toes his way trough the body sized opening as quiet as possible! After quietly walking a good 50 meters filled with anxiety and heavy breathing, the officer freezes in place! With his jaw on the ground and an expression mixed with shock and confusion on his face, he slowly lowers his weapon!)
-Sir........I’m going to get you help, but stay with me!
(A man is immobile on the corn filled ground, he breaths heavy, revealing a rasp that seems almost inhuman, similar to an EQON’S, but perhaps even more human.)
-Get the flying fuck away from me, you goddamn nervous wreck!
(The man’s words abruptly surprise the young deputy, but he then falls to the ground almost unconscious. He seems to refuse backing down tough, still managing to crawl his way forward. His whole body is caked in blood with deep cuts everywhere, and even worse, his leg has been blown off, but that’s not what confuses the officer. The man's leg appears to be shackled with electric wires and molded stainless steel metallic plates, even his arm, but as he turns his head, the officer backs up in intense fear, dropping his weapon to the ground.)
-Walsh, you got anything!
-Uhhh…sheriff, Goddammit, we got some sort of weird experimentation thing going on here! Over.
-You don’t need to pepper me with the word "over" constantly...... but please elaborate on your situation!
-We got a person in a serious physical state, he appears to be shackled in some weird electronics and he’s bleeding big time......and he's missing limbs for Christ sakes! I think you should have kept the conversation going with your mystery caller earlier today....Ya; I really can’t comprehend what the fuck I’m looking at!
-Very unfortunate to hear you in such state of shock.
-Whatever this is, he's dying fast. Poor dude looks fucking helpless; you seriously have to see it to believe it.
-I refuse to spend this stations cash flow on a false call for medical attention and my diagnostics are indicating that your statement is 87% false with the consensus indicating that you are delusional. Due to the serious nature of the results, you must report immediately to headquarters were you will hand me your badge. You will be suspended with 50% reduced pay for 4 months. During that period you will undergo a treatment program. If you are still deemed unfit for duty, you will undergo confinement protocol 003 for an undetermined amount of time. Your cooperation is obligatory.
-Wait what???......this is real, this is happening.... This person has gone through indescribable trauma... Like I don’t know what to do, he needs fucking medical attention goddammit! What you’re saying makes no sense. Something must be wrong with your servers. You would never do this!
-Orders from an EQON must be respected. Cooperate or face severe consequences from the biodyne Corporation.
-So you think I’m fucking crazy???
-You never put in question the findings of artificial intelligence. My processor runs approximately 565 times faster than your brain.
-Fuck, someone jacked the servers...I heard of this before, nice try to whoevers doing this! I’m getting this man help myself!
-You might just regret that decision, you just might!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I definitely like the humor in this preview but there were a few hiccups I noticed.
1.The dialogue format is unique, but it would be helpful if the human speakers can be differentiated from the robot.
2. There were a few inconsistencies, where you gave biological expressions to the robot. For example " E's heart sinks to his stomach when he sees the man's hidden agenda; his suit tells it all". Or where made contradictory statements such as "(A man is immobile on the corn filled ground, he breaths heavy, revealing a rasp that seems almost inhuman, similar to an EQON’S, but perhaps even more human)". He can't be almost inhuman, and yet more human than a robot.
Alright thx, definitely fixable issues.
Hey,
I want to be honest here, I barely made it through that first passage in brackets. It was confusing, and because it was right up front and I didn't understand it, it was extremely tempting to go read something else. But I did actually keep reading (mostly out of curiosity).
I don't have a whole lot to say, other than that you have a great sense of humour which works really well here. It reads almost like a movie script more than a story though. That may be a good thing for you.
The other thing is just that I think (being the fascist that I am) that you should use regular quotation marks. I would also recommend some extra information, maybe to clarify who is speaking when, but I can tell that you chose not to do this for stylistic reasons.
I liked it, though. It seems to be really well thought out and it has a lot of interesting detail. But really, I think changing the first passage would help. You would probably get more reviews too.
This is a wonderful preview to the story! The format is incredibly unique and fits the stirrings perfectly. I really like how you leave the reader in the dark just enough so that they are tempted to read more. However, I got confused at some points. When EQON was talking to Welsch after he was reprogammed it seemed unclear for a moment who Welsch was talking to. Anyways, I love this story so far! The plot is creative and terrific! Keep up the good work
.
Thx alot, I appreciate it, i think im going to post an outline soon to see what people think!