Hello TSun! I'll begin to really review your piece in a mo, but I do have to agree that grammar is important. I know, I know, I hate being bothered by that stuff too, but it does affect your piece. And, we are writers, right? So I think the capitalization issue should be cleared up.
Phew! That's out of the way. Let's begin.
First of all, since this is a song, I don't know if you had a tune in mind? I can't really think of one (and I'm no musician) so I'll just review this like a poem. So if any of my comments about flow and such don't fit with your tune, they wouldn't be applicable.
thick was that night's mist, like cigar ashes that've been flung,
I like that you associated the night with cigar ashes. It makes the poem (song) more real, I think. It's a good image. However, when I read the line again, I'm not sure what you meant. You're comparing thickness of mist to ashes, and ashes are not thick; they are very fine particles. So, while it's pretty, it's not a good analogy.
has tonight's service not been prolonged?
I think this line would be better if you got rid of the negative. It seems to me that the line is saying, "The train isn't late?" instead of "The train is late?" and it makes it seem like the train is always late. And, if that's what you were going for, I think it could be worded better. Easily fixable. The other issue is teeny, but I feel I should mention it: has should be [/i]had[/i] since the rest of the piece is past tense.
I think this tense-mix up happens other times too, like persists should be persisted, so try and keep an eye out for that.
no one else was present, and soon i began to lose trust,
I don't...like this. I like what came just before, eg, the new bus and the silence, I think that was really nice. And, I think I know what you're saying-the narrator began to believe that something weird was going on? But it needs to be clearer. I don't know how this would work with your tune, but I would consider adding another line something to the effect of that all was not well. Just so we know. (Of course, what I wrote wouldn't fit, but something that would convey that).
I love the ending. I'm not sure why it's French, but it works, so well done, you!
And well done you for the whole thing as well. I love this concept of an unseen force of Night; it really makes the poem (song) seem mysterious and scary. Very original, and fairly well done, though there is definitely some room for improvement. I wonder if you've thought about a bridge or a third verse? If so I'd like to see this continued...anyway, overall, good job. I hope you'll consider my suggestions.
-Mars
Points: 6403
Reviews: 312
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