Published September 25, 2009
The night was thick and cold. I knew I had wandered too far. The forest surrounded me for miles in any given direction. I had heard stories of what happened to anyone who wandered into the forest after dark; the whole village knew them. The outsiders thought it was all just an overactive imagination or even paranoia, but to the locals it was deeper than that.
I wandered aimlessly for I Knew that I would not find home soon. The branches stood out like white skeletons and grabbed at me from all directions. I fought like a wild animal to tear my hair free from the branch's grasp. A low moaning rose from the very earth itself and I knew what was coming.
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140,866 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
It seems we've got ourselves something of an extract right here from the looks of things. There's not quite enough happening for this to really end up being a full story at the moment and instead of sounding somewhat incomplete here it does actually end up sounding simply like its part of something a little bit bigger than this with more context.
The second paragraph in particular could benefit from a bit more of that context here. While the current description really is quite terrifying and I would say pretty effective as far as ensuring we're all very terrified is concerned, lacks a bit of power with that ending because it seems quite so vague. Its at the point where its a little too vague and it goes from simply being mysterious to being confusing.
Overall I think we have ourselves a powerful scene here, but at the moment it happens to be just that, one single scene that's in need of a bit more to happen before it can really be interesting and have a bit more of an impact than this piece currently has.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You have to write some more on this. It's caught me already.
I like your writing style a lot. Very descriptive in such a way that it
really pulls you into it. If the whole story was like this it would be a very
interesting read.
The only thing I have to say is kind of what XenDamager said. When you transition to a action scene as such, make the words have more of an impact. Your doing good on the descriptive words, so when you make the transition add those words but in a way so that it expresses action, powerful words that help that transition.
I was reading this and of course I noted some spelling mishaps like Knew should be knew..Of course, I saw some places where my readers mind perceived that one word might work better than another ('anyone' in line 2 to 'those') and that's debatable.
Third sentence paragraph two is not.
I'm reading and I'm wanting to know why she's struggling to free her hair. I'm confused, so I reread the previous sentences more carefully. Oh! The trees have her entangled. The sentence where this occurs is rather abrupt and unexpected. I imagine shes walking, carefully albeit because shes lost, and there are these trees off from her that are creepy in appearance.
"And grabbed at me from all directions"
Whoa, a shift into action so subtle I missed it until the hair part.
Bottom line, I think there should be more detail put into this shift. This is just one readers opinion, but right or wrong, maybe you should go over it and consider it. You may be pleased with the result.
Hello, I'm Kate. This was pretty well written! You did a good job at describing what was happening now, but just as the others said, it raises many questions and leaves me wondering. How did she get there? Why is she roaming around in the woods? I agree with the others too, that this is a extremely short story! I would love to see you expand it into something greater. Overall, I thought it was very nice. Keep writing!
Wow, your famous...heehee:)
Either that or i havent been on in a long time...
like i had said when you were writing it...
Amazing...
Yo TNG
I'm Yoda, and will try provide you with a bit of help on your story.
So, I guess the first thing that we start off with should be the title: The Forest of Secrets = awesome. Yes, it was your title which immediately drew me in to this piece. It immediately makes us ask the question, "What secrets could this forest possibly hold?" Good job there, you've achieved your purpose.
Let's start with your job as a writer now. You have little purpose writing, other than to entertain your audience. This means getting your audience into your story quickly and aggressively. The first line, and indeed the entire first paragraph displays little intrigue. There are lots of cold and "thick" nights. You need to catch us off guard. You can do this in many effective ways. Be creative.
Your audience also wants to read something substantial. This means that two very short paragraphs are not enough to get your reader absorbed into the book. Feeling and connection with your character is vital. You need to give us time to build this connection.
Similes should be potent and completely penetrating. You want us to feel them.
How does a wild animal fight? Describe the painful twists and the jerking motions of your head as well as numerous other emotions. In essence, become the character.
Your first person narrator has a strong voice. He's credible to a large extent, and this is good. Excellent in fact. Before you try to come with cliffhangers though, you need to get us to want to read more. This takes time. Give us a full chapter. One which makes us think and draws us completely into your story. Only when we are in your character's grasp can you afford to drop us a cliffhanger.
Overall, this was short, but showed great potential. Those are, I think, the main points that I'd work with. I hope the review has helped.
Have a great one!
Hi, Hawkie here. Like the above review says, this is too short and unclear. It's okay for short stories, especially short stories of this caliber, to have much less backstory than a novel, but this is taking it too far. I want to know at least a bit about who this character is, what he or she is like.
Hmmm . . . I don't like this hook much. You see stuff like it way too often. Try and make it a bit more original.
On the up-side, however, I think you've got some great material here. It's creepy on its own; a bit more description and it could become a real thriller. I don't know about anyone else, but I'd like to know what's coming, too. I'd like to know what's making that moaning in the earth.
Anyway, good job with this, and please expand on it. Keep writing!
Right mate firstly this was the shortest story I have ever read probably and it doesn't really build up into anything. The opening line didn't really hook me. You could have had the character running in horror through the forest or even woke up on the floor not knowing why he/she was there.
I did like that last bit. I think with a bit better description it could be made into something quite gripping. But the ending to this was quite guff, left the reader not really knowing/ caring what was going on or what happened.
So overall:
Make it longer.
Build up a character people care about.
Develop you'r descriptive style better.
PM me if you have any questions man.
Come on now, you can give us more than that! At least 1k words, remember.
If you strived to make this the shortest short story ever, you should make your words punch more. As it is, it reads like something unfinished and rushed.
If this is just the beginning of something much larger--write the much larger part and give it to us! There's not nearly enough to judge with only this.
Hi, I'm Mo.
Just a quick review.
This should be: I wandered aimlessly for I knew that I would not find home soon.
Apart from that it's good.
It also raises alot of questions. I know (think) it's a short story, but you could expand greatly-it could make a great novel.
Also, why was he/she wandering? What is their significance in the world? Are they royalty? Does the character have a family?...
Good work