You

Very good, It's interesting, but it does feel like a first attempt.
Try and go over it agaun and try to make it more polished.
The idea feels kind of cliched, try and use you're use of language
beside that well done
keep wring

vera

I love the emotion that is in this poem. It is very true and very overwhelming. I felt amazed at the emotion the tension. It was very well done.

I loved the structure and the wording. The end was very stron and emotive. I loved it over all.

It was a very suspensful, sorrowful poem that was just amazing. I can't believe so much emotion can be rolled up into one poem, but you made is so good.

Wonderfully written. I could just FEEL the anger and emotion that the narrator had for the brother. I was actually surprised by that. I mean, I was thinking of like a boyfriend, but her brother? Wow. Which makes this poem very nice. The anger the narrator felt towards the brother, it's just so powerful in a very subtle way.

This is a beautiful poem. Thank you so much for sharing it.

TNCowgirl wrote:so i don't know if this is the right catagory but yea here it goes.


You hurt her
The closest person to me
You destroyed her trust
The most precious thing to her
You made her feel that she was nothing
She cried tears that can't be dried
She shook with fear when she heard your footsteps
She winced at your voice not wanting you near
You were supposed to protect her
Not hurt her
You didn’t, instead you touched her
In ways no brother should
She tried to hide it
No matter how hard she tried
To keep it inside
She told me, through tear filled eyes
I swore I’d kill you
I am not supposed to know
I am not allowed to treat you different then before
But that does not mean I don’t
I will pull everything from you I possibly can
Because in my head
You are nothing but dead

wow...i must say..that was very powerful and full of emotion. i coud really feel your anger and hurt FOR your friend. a peice of advice, being less direct and more secritive would add to the feelings of the readers,it would make us think a million things and add to our already built up emotions (however i do the same when i write, somthing i need to work on ). but i must say, on the whole, that was a magnificant peice of work.

Thanks to everyone for replying, sorry I didn't say this earlier. Anyways this was written after it really happened to my best friend and I was really really mad. That was the only time I can ever write anything like this.

THanks again everyone!!!!!


TNC

Yeah this read totally like something out of a novel to me. I didn't feel like poetry.
Or perhaps as if you were describing it to someone face to face?

I agree with someother people, make it more imagery-ish and less definite.
More subtle.

I really like the idea though (:

Hmm, this struck as a first attempt at delving into the world of poetry. It an interesting idea don't be mistaken but the narrative just bores, I want to know what he did. Yet it so hard to read because it's so tedious. It's a brilliant idea but your narrator just tell it all. You can be vague but I didn't get what the brother did.

I agree with Karina and Suzanne, you would be better to write this as like a letter. It would make more impact than just making us feel like the person instead write it out like it's a letter to him.

Overall: Other than the telling and rather tedious nature of this, it's a stunning idea just trapped somewhere in those lines. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

I really like this and got emotional You don't tell too much, just enough. Oh my, this is so sad, I feel bad for her. Poor girl...

Very good job, I think I'm off to read something else by you!!

Write more poems, will you?

I like this TN! Punctuation may be good! I was just looking through all your works and wanted to read this...anyway other than puntuation it was really good!

Just had to throw in my 2cents,
~Lulu

I liked this, but, like Claudette, I'd suggest using punctuation. And now, for the part where I make absolutely no sense, but try really, really hard to, and hope that you can bear with me!:
I don't agree with Kitty and Snoink. However, I also do not disagree with them. Em...yes, I'm aware that that's a contradiction. What I'm trying to say is, I see nothing wrong with this format, and the approach you've taken. It's good in itself. However, I am also open to the possibility that there could be more powerful ways to do this. It could be interesting to play around a bit until you find the way which suits you best.
This was a tough subject, and you handled it impressively. Your enjambment was very good, and really suited the poem, building suspense, and the reader's eagerness to finish the piece. The rhyming couplet at the end concluded it nicely, and added a sense of closure.

Wow you've picked a controversal issue here and I like things like this. I think you put it in a passionate and emotion filled way which was good.

I liked how you really fed your anger into this poem and it made me really feel for the girl who was affected and also you, because I'm like this with my own friends. I'm very protective sometimes.

The only issue that I seemed to have with this is the structure. It puzzled me a little in some places and it didn't flow well in others. Also, I think you should look over your punctuation.

But, I liked your rhyming and all in all, I liked the poem. =]

Ooh! Pick me pick me! Maybe you could try setting the poem from the perspective of the same narrator as you have in this version, but instead set it as the narrator's thoughts while he is murdering the brother, or while he is listening to the sister cry or something along those lines. But hey, bonus points for real feelings.

Can't go wrong with categorizing a poem as "other"

Consider breaking this up a bit more into separate stanzas. This makes it easier for the reader to read, often for a poem longer than ten or fifteen lines or so. It also helps break up ideas for clarity, much like properly used punctuation *hint*

Rhythem went kind of downhill after the line "I am not supposed to know", so look at wording and such again...

This does a nice job at presenting the 'plot' of the story, but doesn't do much for telling me how the narrator feels (I'd think s/he'd be a bit angrier, and that it would in his narration...)

I like it. I love it, but i do not want more of it.

Ahh I wrote a poem about the same subject! Perhaps, if you would like that, you could read it for a reference point for what Snoink is calling more "sneaky". Although I wouldn't call my poetry the best. That particular poem is call Act of Love.

And I completely agree with Snoink, this works out more like a letter or a note you write to someone after they're dead. A good way to fix this up is by not speaking to the reader (also said by snoink) and in that change, also make the reader feel. At at least give us really, really good images. I might have an article that'll help: Emotional Poetry. kind of a different subject, but it's still the same principles.

Also, punctuation! It was so...not even in there. Poetry and Punctuation.

I liked this poem very much. It struck me as powerful, and emotional. I like poems like that, that grab me within just the first few lines.
To the contrary, Kitty and Snoink, I think that the narrator's voice is very interesting. I like the mystery of not knowing who exactly the narrator is-- a friend, family member, mother, sister, whatever. The ability to give the characters the story you want them to have (while still operating under the guidelines of the poem), the one that you feel the most, is one of the best qualities a poem can possess. It makes it more real, and in that respect, allows you to feel closer to the poem.
But this is just my opinion. Other people can feel differently. That's fine. To each his own, whether in poetry, love, or apartment decor.

Great job. I really enjoyed this. Keep up the good work.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin

The context of this poem is good and it is a difficult issue to cover but I do feel that you could have used a stronger format. As Snoink says, the narrator you've used is rather weak. What is her/his connection to both the characters? A friend of the victim or a family member? If you turned this into a narrative poem, you could make more of the awkwardness when you see the victim's brother.

I agree that this would work well as a story but I see no reason that it shouldn't work as a poem just as well. Try and involve the emotions of all the characters. You seem to have the victim and the narrator covered quite well but what about the brother? Does he feel remorseful or smug? Again, that's where a meeting between the narrator and the brother would be useful.

Overall, this has a lot of potential so keep up the good work,

Heather xx

Any poem fits into other poetry. That's the beauty of it.

Okay! So the poem!

I thought it would be better fit as dialogue or somewhere else in a story, maybe as a letter to the brother? And why do I say that? The actual narrator's voice isn't really that interesting. I mean, the story is interesting (OMG, HE DID WHAT?!?!?!) but the way the narrator says it isn't particularly riveting. Instead of the narrator telling me what happened and how the brother is dead, I would rather see what effect this information is doing to the narrator, i.e. killing inside by the silence. This is some real conflict that could do well in a story, but it's not working in this poetry format.

If you want to make it more poetic, instead of addressing the reader as the brother, trying making it a little more "sneaky." Instead of telling us directly what is happening, make us decipher it through images -- or perhaps by telling us a story in poem format? But it has to be more subtle.

You have the conflict -- all you need is to find a way this conflict can come through better.