z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Defying Fate- Chapter 1

by TNCowgirl


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Please don't go easy on this. I'm trying to get it edited so that I may be able to get it published some day. This is kind of the first draft in a way. So please let me really know what you think. 

At least if I die here it’ll be one bad ass way to die. Piper thought as she tried to steady her breathing. No matter how she looked at it, she was royally screwed. She took a deep breath and clutched the knife that was in her right hand a little tighter. Her back was pressed against the rock wall of a cliff and crouching in front of her was the most pissed off looking mountain lion that she had ever seen.

This wasn’t exactly what she had been planning when she took off into the woods two days ago. In fact, her plan was to get as far away from her ex and everyone she knew as humanly possible. Preferably alive. Though looking at her situation she wasn’t exactly sure that was going to happen.

“Alright, kitty, I honestly didn’t mean to startle you.” She said trying to keep her voice as soft as possible. She glanced around in search for an escape route, but there really was none. “Go figure, I finally get away from my maniac shifter of a fiance and now I’m going to get killed by a simple mountain lion. Kind of ironic honestly, I was gonna die if I didn’t agree to marry him and now I’m going to die anyway. Can’t a girl ever win?”

The mountain lion didn’t seem fazed by her rambling as it took a slow step towards her causing her to press her back even harder against the rock wall. She wasn’t about to go down without a fight, she had spent way too much of her life not fighting for herself. Not now though, if she had to die she would die like a bad ass. Not curled up in a ball whimpering and crying out to be saved.

She wasn’t even sure that the knife she was clutching to would do her any good. She hadn’t paid much attention to the knife that she grabbed, just that it was one of her father’s hunting knives. It wasn’t extremely long, but it would be long enough to defend herself against a human. She couldn’t help but hope it would help her against a mountain lion. It had claws that would be able to rip her to shreds and she would only have one shot at stopping the pissed off beast if she was lucky. Luck never seemed to be on her side though.

“Listen here, kitty, I thought you weren’t supposed to be super aggressive unless you were hurt. Least not towards humans. What is this all about? Huh? I didn’t mean to wake you up, I promise!” She felt her heart start to pound a little harder as the mountain lion crouched lower to the ground. She didn’t know anything about mountain lions and she could tell that was a very bad sign. The cat had to at least weigh as much as she did and that was a lot of power that would be behind it’s razor sharp claws and teeth.

“I mean out of every way I could die out here I guess dying by the paws of such a big cat isn’t a bad way to go. But come on, I don’t taste very good and I really don’t mean you any harm. Okay, so yes, I have this knife, but it’s only for defense. I honestly don’t want to hurt you with it, but if you make me I will use it. Like hell am I about to go out without a fight. Not that you care, but I’m done not fighting! Might be the only chance I get to stand up for myself, but by golly I’ll take it. So you know what, you are going to do it anyways, so bring it on you over sized pussy cat!”

A movie couldn’t have timed it better. As if the mountain lion understood what she was saying, it lunged forward at her. In the same instant she yanked her right arm up and slashed at it with her knife. She felt the knife sink into it as a set of claws raked across her arm causing a scream to rip out of her throat. She desperately tried to stay focused on holding tight to the knife, but her body didn’t want to respond.

She closed her eyes, waiting for the final blow. For the world to fade into darkness to never return. Instead, she felt wind rush past her and heard a loud thud. Her eyes flew open and she saw a wolf pinning the mountain lion down on the ground. The knife she had been holding was still sticking out of the side of the mountain lion, blood oozing all around it.

Her legs slowly gave way and she sank down to the cold ground her head feeling faint. Stupid blood, why did it have to be so important. If that stupid over grown cat hadn’t scratched her, better yet mauled her, she would be able to get away right now. Instead her body refused to listen so she just watched as the wolf latched it’s teeth over the mountain lion’s throat swiftly ending it’s life. Her vision started to tunnel as the wolf turned and faced her.

Can I not get a break? She screamed in her mind as the wolf slowly started to walk towards her.

“Listen here, wolfy, I’m not a free meal! I’ll fight, well I’ll try and fight til I pass out or you kill me!” She hissed her voice quieter then it should have been. The wolf did something just then that shocked her. It sat down and cocked it’s head a little to the side like a dog does when it hears a new sound or something. “Come on, do something already. I don’t have much fight left in me and I’d like to go out fighting if I have to go out at all.”

It could have been because of blood loss, or the shock of everything that had happened, but she could’ve sworn she saw the wolf smile. She had to be imagining it, wolves didn’t smile! She was hallucinating, she had to be! The world slowly faded to black as her brain tried to process what it had seen.

*~*~*~*~*

“I don’t care what you want, Piper, you are marrying Jeremy whether you like it or not!” Piper’s father growled his arms crossed tightly over his chest.

“Do you know what he is!” She screeched as she looked at her father. She was surprised she was yelling at him, she had never yelled at him before, but he had never asked something so obscene of her. Yeah, he had all but forced her to date Jeremy, but her whole life she had been raised knowing she would be with him. It was foolish of her to think that because she didn’t like him her father would change his mind.

“Of course I know what he is!” Her father laughed bitterly. “He is to be the leader of our clan, and you will be by his side destroying anyone that gets in our way!”

Piper scoffed at him. She refused to harm anything unless it meant her harm. He made it sound like she was going to run an army or something. Course with everything that she had learned the past few days, nothing would really surprise her anymore.

“I won’t do it!” She screeched, quickly shrinking back when her father towered over her his arms at his sides now and his fists clenched. The last thing she wanted was a beating.

“Give her time, she’ll come around to our side.” Jeremy laughed walking into the living room of Piper’s house. She turned her eyes on him and clenched her jaw. He was always so sure of himself and every girl Piper had ever seen around him all but swooned at his feet. Piper knew the real him though, knew that he was no better than her father. “Won’t you, Piper, you’ll do what we ask of you.”

Piper wasn’t sure who she was scared of more. Jeremy or her father. Beatings she could handle, but something about Jeremy made her sick to her stomach. She knew he would stop at nothing to get his way and that terrified her. She was a part of his plan, and it would take hell freezing over to get her out of it.

It was then and there that she decided to run away. She would make hell freeze over if she had to, but she was tired of feeling like this. Like she had to obey every command, that she was walking on egg shells 24/7.

“Well? Are you going to answer your fiance, Piper?” Her father laughed from beside her as Piper stared at the floor beneath her feet. Would it really work? Would she really be able to get away from all this? Run away to never be found again? She glanced up and wished like hell she hadn’t. The look on Jeremy’s face made all the courage she had built up to speak with her father disappear into thin air. She felt like finding the smallest, darkest hole and crawling into it.

“I don’t think I have much of a choice.” She tried desperately to make her voice sound challenging, but it came out as a whimper.

“We’ll have to work on that enthusiasm.” Jeremy laughed as he walked over and kissed her forehead. Piper winced hating the feeling of him being close to her. “Now, how about you go start planning the wedding while me and your father talk?”

Piper quickly moved away from him, thankful for being told to leave. She quickly scurried up to her room and closed the door leaning back against it as she tried to steady her breathing. She clenched her fists at her side and then squared off her shoulders. She was going to leave and she was going to leave tonight.

She quickly grabbed a small backpack from beneath her bed and threw a couple different clothes into it and anything else that she absolutely had to have. She then slowly slipped out of her bedroom and down the hall to her father’s office where he kept his hunting knives and guns. She would need something to protect herself if she ran into anyone that would mean her harm.

Once she was satisfied that she had everything she would need she locked her door and opened her window. Her father and Jeremy would probably talk for hours. They always did. She would use this time to get away, they wouldn’t be suspecting it and hopefully by the time they realized she was gone she would be far enough that they wouldn’t find her. 


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93 Reviews


Points: 3819
Reviews: 93

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:13 pm
Lefty wrote a review...



Hey, there! Lefty here to review!

This was a really interesting first chapter. I was pretty much sucked in from the beginning and enjoyed reading the whole thing. Starting it off with her facing a mountain lion is pretty epic. And her being saved by a wolf? Even cooler! I'm really curious to know what happens to her now.

Now, onto a few nitpicks:

Bad ass should always have a hyphen. So, it should be Bad-ass.

I noticed some places throughout that are missing commas. For example:

“I mean out of every way I could die out here I guess dying by the paws of such a big cat isn't a bad way to go.

“I mean*,* out of every way I could die out here*,* I guess dying by the paws of such a big cat isn't a bad way to go.

I've had a lot of trouble with commas in the past, but it kind of seems like overtime you start to get an ear for where commas should be. One good way is to read your story out loud. You can hear if a sentence runs on or if you naturally pause when reading it you know a comma should be there. There were other places that I caught, but that was just one example.

It wasn't extremely long,

Really nitpicky here, but "extremely" seemed a little out of place. Maybe "very" or "really" would fit better.

...while me and your father talk.

I think it would generally be "your father and I", unless this was intentional since it's dialogue.

Okay! That's about it for the nitpicks! This was an interesting read and I will definitely be back to review chapter two! Also, I think it's awesome that you hope to get this published someday. It's always cool to hear about people on here who hope to take that road. I hope to be published someday too! Anyway, best of luck with your story and keep writing!

-Lefty




TNCowgirl says...


Thanks so much for the review. I went back and caught the things you pointed out. Though I'll have to catch the commas later. Commas seem to be my arch enemies. I had to laugh when you said that I should read it out loud. I always give that advice, yet I haven't taken it with this story yet. Guess I probably really should now. :D

Thanks so much for the review. I'm about to post chapter 3 after I fix everything from the chapter 2 reviews. :D



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Wed Sep 02, 2015 8:46 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! ChocolateCello here!
Okay- you said not to go easy. (If it's unclear where any of these quotes are from, they're in order)

In fact, her plan was to get as far away from her ex and everyone she knew as humanly possible.

This sentence is just a bit uncomfortable. It's the as humanly possible' part that's out of place. I see what you're trying to say, but it's not really working. Maybe try, '...as far away as humanly possible from her ex and..." It just makes it clearer as to what its all referring to.

She glanced around in search for an escape route, but there really was none.

This sentence could be worded better. "She glanced around in search of an escape route, but there wasn't one." 'For and escape route' feels off and so does 'there was none'.

...if she had to die she would die like a bad ass. Not curled up in a ball whimpering and crying out to be saved.

Okay, so these sentences should be one- or al least not set up like they currently are. You're comparing these options of death, die fighting or crying, so keep them in the same sentence. "...would die like a bad ass, not curled up in a ball..."

...she would only have one shot at stopping the pissed off beast if she was lucky.

She doesn't have to be lucky to get one shot. She knows that she'll have a chance when the beast comes at her. I suggest taking out the 'if she was lucky' part.

mountain lions and she could tell that was a very bad sign.

That 'and' should be a but. You're contrasting. She doesn't know about these creatures BUT she still know's that this is bad.

Like she had to obey every command, that she was walking on egg shells 24/7.

Hm. Okay, I guess this is fine, but I'm being knit picky. The line before this was something like 'she hated feeling like this'. Now, you're talking what she feels like. 'LIKE she had to obey...' Put a 'like' in before the egg shell part, you're comparing an emotion/feeling to a description. "...every command, like she was walking on egg shells 24/7"

...closed the door leaning back against it as she tried to steady her breathing.

Okay, simple fix here, just a missing comma. "...closed the door, leaning back against it..."

...and threw a couple different clothes into it and anything else that she absolutely had to have.

Just a rewording suggestion here. '...threw some clothes in along with anything else..." It sounds better in my opinion, more comfortable.

...herself if she ran into anyone that would mean her harm.

Okay, so it just showed that it's not anyONE that will cause her problems, it's anyTHING. Additionally, 'would mean her harm' could sound a lot better. 'That intended to harm her' or 'That wanted to cause her harm'.

Okay, so the review didn't really 'flow' but I hope it helped. If you announce releasing the second part to this, tag me, I'm curious to find out what happens. (And of course, with any of my edits, feel free putting the 'rewording' into your own words, I just gave a few examples.)

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello




TNCowgirl says...


Thank you so very much for the review. I haven't posted it up here, but on my file I have gone back and corrected all of the mistakes that you pointed out. Reading them again really made them stick out a little more and I really wanted to thank you for that. I also want to thank you for not holding back. It helps me get better for sure. :D I'll do my best to tag you, though I don't know if I really know how. :D



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Wed Sep 02, 2015 8:40 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



Hiya, I’m here for a quick review!

She took a deep breath and clutched the knife that was in her right hand a little tighter.

It’s a little too wordy. How about a simple, “She took a deep breath and clutched the knife tighter”? This issue was present in a couple of other places, too, but I'm afraid I don't have the time to point them out.

I noticed you repeated the phrase “hell freezes over” or something similar quite a lot throughout. Instead of relying on cliché phrases to show her disgust or any other emotion, you need to develop her character. That'll make it easier for you to put across and expand on her thoughts and feelings. I also spotted few grammatical and punctuation errors, but nothing too major or distracting. Still, I’d advise you to read over your chapter with a fresh pair of eyes, or ask someone else to read it, before you publish it. Trust me, it helps a lot!

I was laughing when she talked to the mountain lion as if it could understand. Okay, maybe he did. But, who rambles on when they are about to be torn into pieces? I can’t even utter a word when I’m nervous or scared. For that reason, I love Piper’s bold character. She stood out to me.

You mentioned her fiancé’s a shifter, but of what kind? If Jeremy’s the leader of her and her father’s clan, then she’s not a human. Right? Sometimes, clans accept humans, too. That’s why I was asking.

I liked that you started off in the heart of action and proceeded to give us a flashback. It hooked me right in and made me read ahead because I was curious about how she came across the mountain lion. I’m extremely excited for the next update. I have a feeling that your book includes shape-shifters or werewolves, and I personally love reading about them. Thus, I’d love to review upcoming chapters. Please tag me whenever you post them. Thank you. xD

Great job! Well done, and keep writing!




TNCowgirl says...


I am really bad about showing not telling or whatever that phrase is. It is one of the things I'm trying to get better at, but am finding a hard time doing so. She also talks to the mountain lion because she is nervous and it's how she reacts to that. Plus, as you'll find out later she thought it would help. :P

A lot of the information about the shifters and everything will be explained as the story continues. I have been told I over load people with too much information in the beginning so I tried spreading it out a little bit more.

So the flash backs were okay? Because someone told me they will kill your story, but it was really hard to remove them and make the story flow the way I wanted it to.

Thank you so very much for the review. It really means the world to me. I have another chapter up I hope that I tagged your properly. It's been a while since I've been on here. :D



artybirdy says...


I thought flashbacks were fine. They did (sort of) bring the scenes together.

No problem! Glad I could help. :)

I didn't receive a notification for it. You can tag us on your wall with the link to your chapter. Just a heads up, I won't be able to review it tonight. It's quite late here and I'm heading off to sleep in few minutes. Sorry!




The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin