Ok, so I don't know about the name. Couldn't think of anythign else. Tell me any ideas you have.
Ryder ran back to the hotel shifting form as he walked into the bathroom. Pain flew through all his joints from having shifted after being in wolf form for so long. He jumped in the shower quickly cleaning off, Chrissy was still asleep on the bed sense he hadn’t come back. He brushed his hair as he picked up the phone and dialed Keri’s number.
“H-hello?” Her voice sounded a little hesitant. She was still shaken up, he didn’t blame her.
“Hey, it’s Ryder. I wanted to see if you wanted to get that coffee now?” He said running his hand through his hair and waiting for her response. Surely wanting to get out of her house would make her come.
“Alright, but I don’t know how much time I will have.” She replied.
“How about the one on Main street?” He couldn’t help but smile. He was going to be able to talk to her.
“Alright.” She replied again,
“Do you want to meet me there, or can I come pick you up?” He asked. He was sure she would say just meet him. She was cautious, he had noticed that about her.
“I’ll meet you there. I only live like five minutes away.” She replied.
“Alright, well I guess I’ll see you in about ten minutes?” He said, he would give her some time to get ready. It wouldn’t be a good idea to start off by not being considerate. He only had so long before she left and he had to figure where she was going to be going. He needed to see if this was the girl he wanted to know more about or not. He was sure if they got to talking he would be able to find that out.
He looked down at his arm where Amber’s goonie had biten him. He rewrapped it with gauze and then went down to his truck driving to the coffee shop. He would beat her there and save them a table in case a crowd showed up. When he walked in he saw that there wasn’t very many people there. He found a seat and sat down watching the door. A waitress walked over, she smiled sweetly down at him.
“Can I get you something?” She asked batting her eyelashes a few times.
“Not yet, I’m waiting for someone.” He smiled looking towards the door again.
“Alright, if I can get anything my names Stacey.” She smiled. He nodded, but didn’t look at her.
Let’s hope you aren’t getting yourself into something you can’t control. You wouldn’t want Amber to hurt her and then she be nothing, but an acquaintance. A voice warned in his head. He saw Keri walking down the side walk and he jumped up walking to the door and opening it for her.
*~*~*~*
Keri smiled sheepishly up at Ryder as he opened the door then followed him to a table sitting down across from him. A waitress walked over and they ordered their drinks. When she was gone Ryder smiled,
“So, I know your name is Keri and you go to this college, what else am I allowed to know about you?” He asked. She looked down at the table and saw his arm was wrapped up.
“First, what happened to your arm?” She asked. His face seemed to fall, but then he shrugged.
“Got in a fight last night.” He frowned. She didn’t know what to say, did he get in a lot of fights? “A bunch of jerks were teaming up on someone, I had to help out.”
“Oh, ok.” She smiled, that was ok, as long as he didn’t go looking for trouble. He had been a hero to someone like that wolf had been to her. She sighed inwardly. She kinda wanted to see the wolf again so she could try to draw him. She wasn’t good at animals, but his eyes, they were so much like Ryder’s. She wanted to capture them. They were wonderful.
“So what can I know bout you?” He asked again.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this one was a little bit off to me. The plot just didn't seem all that clear in some areas and the overall pacing of the piece was a little haphazard with some areas being unnecessarily fast and some areas being a little too slowed down. You need to work on making that a bit more consistent and also your transitions are in some weird spots...i'll point all this out down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay that's kind of a super fast paced opening. Like literally four or five things happen in four or five sentences just in a row like that. Its a little weird there because we don't really get a sense of the scene when you do things that way.
Okay nice subtle indication that they are somewhat friendly with that smile there. I like subtle references like that.
Well that adds a whole new dimension to this right away. Good choice with inserting those few thoughts into this to show what he's thinking about all of it.
Again a pacing issue there. Its just goes way too fast there transitioning from this moment with the wound straight to this completely different scene without changing paragraphs. That's a little disorienting and not the nicest thing to see in a story.
Well that was a pretty fun little interaction there.
Okay kinda of sudden introduction of two totally new names but that's not too bad. Just slightly jarring.
And there wasn't even a hello? This doesn't feel like that normal of a conversation at least from how it just started off with exposition.
At least that part did feel kind of natural. And as a bonus it was also a pretty nice place to end the story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a still pretty fun concept that you've come up with and it was enjoyable once you look past the pacing errors. there seems to be some pretty interesting possibilities that this could lead to and I would certainly read a part 2 to this if such a part exists.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Have you written more yet? I'm waiting. Let me know when you post more
.
Hi!
I love this story!!!! It's very addictive, i don't see any mistakes that weren't already covered, so all i can say is good job.
YAYY, you finally posted more. But I didn't know where to find this as you suddenly changed the title (as I had told you to) and there was no hint as to THIS being the second chapter part two. Part two right?
Names hmmm...You don't have to change the name right away. Usually when I'm writing something, I first write it and give it a temporary name then when I'm finished I name it. So like you had done. I didn't mean for you to change the name right way. I mean you can if you want, but you don't have to decide on the final name just yet. I just pointed out to THAT title because, I hoped you wouldn't keep it as your main title. I hope you understand.
And remember your title doesn't have to summarize the story.
Again, I was taken in to this story and enjoyed it immensely.
"The kinks:
He was sure she would say just to meet him.
"Alright. Well* I guess I'll see you in ten minutes?" He asked. He would give her some time to get ready.
Note: So she only has five minutes to get ready? I think Ryder would want her to take a bit longer for her to get ready.
* - Instead of 'Well', try 'So'.
I think you should get rid of the 'to'.
"Alright. Let me know if I can get you anything. My name's Stacey." She smiled.
OR
"Alright. If I you need anything, let me know. My name's Stacey." She smiled.
And another thing, in many, many places you forgot your commas. So many places that I didn't bother to point them all here. Please go over it again slowly and you'll be sure to find them.
And again please, please continue. You've got me hooked! I've got to finish this story!!!
*Two Thumbs Up*