One Year Later

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and love swelled in my heart, waiting for someone to retrieve it. The birds chirped and the sun shined brighter than ever before. I was happy. I looked at the door waiting for my husband and children to come into the room with a big tray of waffles and bacon to share with me in bed as we laugh and plan for the day’s activities. But then I remembered, and my smile faded. My memories, the sirens, and flashing lights pounded into my head like a hammer. The dark, stormy clouds rolled in scaring away my sunny day. The birds plummeted to the ground with unnaturally angles necks. Everything was dark, dead and gloomy just like my once beating heart. I sighed and willed myself to get up. I walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the sink trying not to look at the mess I know I’ve become. But deep down I wanted to know. I wanted to see the grip it had on me. See how much my life had changed, physically and mentally. Should I? No. I can’t. Right? It’s my fault that they are dead. Their lives were cut short because of me. If that night never happened then I would be putting on make-up and secretly watch my 4-year old daughter watch me in awe. I looked in the mirror. She always said I looked like a princess she would be ashamed of what I have become now. My hair was knotted and tangled, my once olive skin looked pale and sickly, and my body was just skin and bones. My luscious curves had disappeared or sagged. But the thing that scared me the most were my eyes. Before it happened my eyes were beautiful and soul-searching, they were a bright bluish green color filled with the wonder and magic of a child and the wisdom of an elder. But now they look dead and lifeless, even the color had changed to a dark mossy green and brown. I almost cried out looking at what id become. Looking in the mirror I knew it was official I was completely dead inside and far from turning back. And today makes everything ten times worse. My lips moved but no sound came out but they kept on moving at a slow and steady pace. My brain couldn't comprehend what my body was trying to tell it. I had to stop myself from asking myself to speak up but then I heard it. "It's time. Today is the day." I stood there shooed no thoughts ran through my head. I couldn't believe that five little words could give me such relief and discomfort at the same time. I looked at my wrist, my beautiful, twisted artwork and then myself at the mirror and nodded my head. "Today is the day,” I announced to no one in particular. I turned around with confidence and headed straight to my closet and analyzed the colorful array of dark clothing that I had accumulated over the year. I shook my head at the irony. A year ago I hated the color and now that's all I can bring myself to wear. At first my family thought it was a way for me to grieve and at first, they supported me but know they don't understand why I am still wearing all black. "Surely id be done mourning my family by now." They would whisper when they thought I couldn't hear. I laughed bitterly if only they knew that now I was mourning the death of me too. Like they will be too. I pushed passed the dark clothes to find the bright yellow sundress that my husband bought me on my 30th birthday party. The dress was simple and elegant and flowed like water off my hips. It has a low V-neck that hinted at my breast but didn't show too much. I almost cried when I realized that now it was too big for me. It took me a second to gather myself before I continued to dress myself in memories of my family. I walked to my jewelry box and pulled out my daughter's favorite teardrop diamond earrings that I planned on giving to her on sweet 16. I put on the perfume that my son loved to smell saying that it smelled like flowers and fruit then I put on my favorite silver heels that matched to the silver belt on the dress. I combed and curled my hair and put on some make-up to bring back my olive skin. Finally, like the way I looked, I walked out the door. The streets of new York city were filled with noise and busy people running this way and that way trying to get from point a to point b. I played with my wedding ring try not to have a panic attack as I walked the streets. On the outside, I looked calm and collected but internally I was a mental case. The people walking passed giving me weird looks. I wondered was it the fact that I was overdressed or that I was wearing a sundress at the beginning of winter. Neither mattered to me now. Id admit that I was cold but it wouldn't matter for much longer so I trailed on. With every step, I felt a piece of my sanity and reasoning chip away from me. I began to feel even sadder than before. I thought that after finally making a decision like this that I’d be happier more cheerful but honestly I feel numb like I was on autopilot or something. I couldn't believe that a year ago I was on top of the world and now I'm here at the bottom. But I guess when you are at the top the only way from there is down. now all I can do is keep my eyes on the ground and pray for the pain to go away. A part of me secretly wished that someone would say "hi, how are you?" Or at least smile at me. I craved for a sign, a shimmer of hope that would give me a reason for another day, another breath. But all I got was pushed and shoved and mean words. I walked around aimlessly feeling number with every step. The last bit of faith dripped away. I didn't bother with work or any type of nourishment for my body walking and waiting. 11:40 PM the clock read on a tall building. I smiled and walked with a little more pep in my step. I didn't need any type of directions or GPS my feet knew where to go and I followed obediently. When I finally reached the bridge my heart beats with fear, guilt, and excitement. It was like I was getting on my first rollercoaster as a kid. I scanned the deserted bridge as the scene unfolded in front of me. The police officers were interviewing the gathering crowd for witnesses at the far end of the bridge. The EMTs carried the young woman and her newborn in a single stretcher, blood covered her face as she clung to her child. The baby let out this heartbreaking scream as they closed the door and drove away. I knew that the attempt would be fruitless because they both died before reaching the hospital. The woman husband was being loaded in an ambulance as well gasping for breath and begging for his wife and daughter. Later that night he dies on the operating table. I let out a cry as I saw the three black bags hidden from the crowd. I walked over to them praying that it wasn't them. I bent down and unzipped the bags to see my son, daughter and husband's lifeless body. I let out a scream and cried. I watched helplessly as they loaded my family into a truck and drove off. My life darkened that day and never found the light. The scene disappeared as fast as it came and I was back in my time period. I walked over to the edge of the bridge and climbed the fence to the other side. I looked up at the night sky. The stars shined bright and the air was crisp and clear. I reached out to the night sky wanting to be closer to the sky. Is my family is up there and when I die will I be reunited with them? I looked back at the bridge. Will I be missed? The rushing waters below me looked so peaceful from up here. It was kind of funny how the dangerously sharp rocks and messy waters seemed to be calling out to me. No one would miss me. My own family pushed me away and shunned me. I was all alone. I closed my eyes and counted to three.

One.

Two.

Three.

I jumped off the bridge, the wind howled in my ears and danced with my hair above me. My body felt weightless and free like I was swimming in the clouds. I watched the sun slowly peak out from the horizon, changing the sky from midnight blue to beautiful reds, oranges, and yellows. The sight calmed me and brought a smile to my face as I fell. The rush of the water became louder and my heart beats faster, stronger and harder. I thought how ironic it was that at my death is when I felt the most alive. The water was so close I could taste it.

One.

Two

Three.

The sound of my body connecting to the sharp-edged rocks was horrible. The pain was unbearable but it only lasted for a split second. My vision became spotted and blurry but like the pain, it only lasted a second. Death and darkness surrounded me but I welcomed it like an old friend. Finally, I was with my family. Finally, I was home.