z

Young Writers Society


12+

A Reclamation of Sentiment

by TBird


Hanging from the edge of the world

A grip on this reality waning

A river in flight and a flowing sky

An upside down

My celestial home

This is the place where magic lives

Far from the excess of man

I escape into this refuge of wonder

My mind a boat on a sea of grandeur

Rising and falling with the whim of favor

Wandering through the forbidden forest of me

The snake of complacency a faint whisper in the distance

I yell into the abyss of darkness

“You hellhole for hearts”

The silence rolls on in eternal shame

Light the path through the ruins of doubt

A perilous journey through the realm of Hades

Out from the other side there is calm

Through the misadventures the magic still lasts

Once again, my mind is a boat on a sea of grandeur

Welcoming the darkness before the light 


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23 Reviews


Points: 281
Reviews: 23

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Tue May 15, 2018 10:51 pm
Jevan13 says...



Here is some advice if you think you need some:

You get good at writing by following these three simple steps:

1) Write a lot. The more you write, the more you’ll tune in to your unique voice and the better you’ll get.

2) Get critiqued occasionally. You should never pay any attention to what your mother says about your writing, or what anyone who loves you says about your writing, because all those people are liars. You should pay attention only to people who know what good writing is and who also know how to critique bad writing. Many who know good writing don’t have any idea how to critique bad writing and will not be able to help you.

Also be aware that many people who know how to critique bad writing would not recognize good writing if it stabbed them in the eye. This is tragic, but deal with it. You are looking for somebody who has both of these skills, and those people are rare.

You need to be told when your writing is bad and why it’s bad, because when you start writing, your work will be awful and you will imagine it’s brilliant. You also need to be told when your writing is brilliant, because by the time your writing is brilliant, you will have been told so many times that your writing is bad that you’ll imagine you are the worst writer who ever lived.

It’s just a fact that all bad writers think they are amazing and all great writers think they are terrible. And that’s why you need to be critiqued occasionally. Don’t do this every day. It hurts too much. A little critique goes a long way.

3) Study the craft of writing in books, lectures, or wherever else you can learn it. You most especially need to do this after getting critiqued.

You can’t figure it out on your own. Find a book that explains in clear words how to do right what you are doing wrong. When you finish the book, you will again believe in yourself enough to go back to step 1 and write a bunch more.

And have fun!

It’s just a stop along the road. Writing is more about the journey than the destination. As award-winning author Anne Lamott points out, “Being published isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Writing is.” So don’t let your non-published status get you down. Just enjoy where you are right now.




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23 Reviews


Points: 281
Reviews: 23

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Tue May 15, 2018 1:50 pm
Jevan13 wrote a review...



It is always much appreciated when someone chooses not to do a full rhyming poem. It shows that you are taking initiative and wasted no timed on trying to come up with rhyming words. You have eloquently given me an insight to the persona's life and it sounds as if he/she has had it rough. The imagery helped to convey this insight as "the abyss of darkness" isn't exactly cheery and "I escape into this refuge of wonder" is yet another phrase supporting the message.

My favorite lines were:

Welcoming the darkness before the light
My mind a boat on a sea of grandeur
Hanging from the edge of the world
A river in flight and a flowing sky
Rising and falling with the whim of favor
Wandering through the forbidden forest of me

If I had my way I would just put the entire poem because all of your lines are so beautifully constructed that it is hard for them not to be appealing. For my recommendations, I believe that it could you a bit more imagery and that would up the appeal of the poem.

P.S. Hades is the most awesome god ;)




TBird says...


Thank you so much! I personally prefer poetry that doesn't rhyme because when I write rhymes it feels forced. I appreciate your kind comments.



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24 Reviews


Points: 151
Reviews: 24

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Mon May 14, 2018 2:16 am
LucytheBrave wrote a review...



HELLO!
First of all your poem was really good, i definitely liked it. I also have a real passion for this type of poem??If thats what it is? The whole concept of making something surreal. It reminds me a bit of a dream, the kind that you can feel happening to you and its all ridiculous but you feel perfectly normal?

Maybe I'm just crazy. And this is a review, so I should say something helpful!

For this type of poem to really portray the entire mysticism I believe you are trying, though maybe I am wrong, there needs to be a certain type of launguage. For the most part you completely have it. But when you used the line ' my mind is a boat on a sea of grandeur' twice, it took me out of the sort of fantasy. Developing a pattern or a sense of rhythm took away the feeling of something new and random that was happening. I would simply change the wording a little, so you say the same thing but in a different way.

Secondly, there aren't a lot of descriptions. Of course, if you wanted it to be vague to leave it up to the imagination of the reader i understand. But a lot of the fun part of writing surreal- y is to describe all the weird and unrealistic things.

This is all just suggestions so don't feel any pressure at all. I really enjoyed reading!!!


~Lucy




TBird says...


Why thank you! I really appreciate your review, and I will definitely take some of your suggestions.



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Sun May 13, 2018 3:54 am
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Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Hello TBird,

This is a pretty good prose/narrative poem. The images of the forbidden forest, the snake, and the realm of Hades lends to some intriguing mystical and spiritual tones. I'm not sure about the line "An upside down" it just reads as incomplete. I think "An upside down, celestial home" makes more sense flowing into the next line about this being the place where the magic lives.

I like the line "My mind a boat on a sea of grandeur" particularly the word "grandeur" because it can mean something positive, like the speaker's mind is floating on a sea of magnificence or splendor or vivid imagination, but it can also mean he/she is trying to navigate their own self-importance.

Really like the line "rising and falling with the whim of favor" like the speaker really isn't in control.

Love the line "You hellhole for hearts" it's brilliant, it really hearkens to the Hades line. Hellhole for Hearts would be a good title for this piece.

Good work,

-Dream





I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie