Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Fallen leaves and autumn trees
A chilly november dawn
When dreams won't take flight and wintry whispers wake
A man sits alone
While the memories of autumn pastime swirl around him
Tales of splendor and grandeur by the fireside
Steaming cups of cider and cocoa
Hugs from relatives long gone
Oh how the time has passed
He longs to see those now confined to picture frames
Smiling faces now distant memories of warm welcomes and rushed hellos
Frozen hands and nipped noses common place in the cabin that shows no evidence of life except for the fire that is always burning
Curtains drawn welcome the frost of daybreak
This man of many moons, with his weathered hands,
Looks on with weary eyes at the forest before him
A sea of oak and maple
Their leaves nearing the end of their seasonal life cycles,
deciduous beauties preparing for winter rest,
Stand strong and tall
He ponders the life behind him
All that he’s loved
And lost
And the moments in between
Like his wife
How the wind blew when she chuckled
And how the trees shook when she cried
The way she lit up when autumn was present-
The chilly air got just a bit warmer when she smiled
The way she withered away when the rest took her
He remembers the way she suffered
He ponders the rest that will soon take him
Will he float or fly?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
Hi Tbird! Katja here to review your poem! Please feel free to disregard any and all suggestions or comments I make, should you deem them unhelpful. And with that being said, here's the review....
Suggestions first (I will do them as I go through the poem):
This line is significantly longer than any other in the poem. While I understand and quite enjoy that your poem takes no particular structure, It is disruptive to the flow and rhythm of your poem. Perhaps separate them into two lines?
[quotes] deciduous beauties preparing for winter rest, [/quote]
Deciduous
As every other line started with a capital, this line needs to have one as well.
Lastly, I'm not certain I understand the final line. As the poem seems to be about an old man who has nobody left to visit him, or who choose not to, and lost his wife, what does it mean by "float or fly"? And what is meant by "rest"? It said, the rest took his wife and he "ponders the rest that will soon take him"?
My Understanding and Overall Opinion
The poem is about an older man who has lost his wife and now sits alone thinking about all the good times he has had in his life. It is an Autumn day and it brings back memories for him, and at the end he seems to be quite sad...
I LOVED this piece dearly... One of my biggest fears about aging, though I have a long way to go, has always been about being alone... Even the setting taking place in Autumn, soon to be winter, adds to the isolation and sadness this poor man must feel. Your poem heavily emphasizes his lonliness through the (unintentional?) use of symbolism and his memories, though he is now alone. You wrote this poetic story beautifully... I hope to read more of your work soon!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Please try to find your way and dig a little more. You are very gifted but you need to expand. Being literal is conformed to figurative in this work
How so?
Your potential is great but it feels as though you have sheltered your emotions. You need to break free and release your fears. Let it flow, don't let it be forced.
He wants to know why you feel that he has sheltered his emotions.
Ah, this makes more sense. Thanks for clearing that up!
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about a man who reminisces about the past during Autumn. The poem conveys the wistful mood very well ad the season of Autumn with its one-green leaves now fallen and soon to crumble are very appropriate to the subject. I like the use of hyperbole in saying that the wind and trees reacted to his wifé's emotions. I like the alliteration of weathered,weary, winter, wake, when, cabin, common, curtains.The rest that the leaves represents is the rest that he will also experience. In other words, the analogy of Autumn leaves to humans is made clear.
Looking forward to reading more of your poems.
suggestions
common place [commonplace]
november [November]
The counting of time by many moons made me wonder whether the writer is Native American.
I would delete [Like his wife....]
How the wind blew when she chuckled
[How the wind blew when his wife chuckled]
And how the trees shook when she cried
[And how the trees shook when his wife cried]
pastime = a diversion
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pastime