Hi. I know that this isn't all that good, but I just wanted to post something so I can have something posted. Haha. Well, I hope you like it. This is the first part of my short story, Stars. It's set in the 1800s - Paris, France.
Thanks for reading! I really appreciate anyone who takes their time to comment.
_
Deep in the slums of Paris, an unruly boy eyed a half-concealed wallet. Pierre twitched his long fingers anxiously, his eyes never leaving the bulging wallet. Tall men concealed his small figure in shadows as they hurried about their business, not standing in one position too long.
Passers-by weren’t even able to catch the slightest glimpse at the small boy as he smoothly slid the fat wallet out from the gentleman’s pocket. The monsieur was, granted, deep in conversation with a madam by the name of Veronica Passelle. The lovely lady batted her eyes and smiled feverously, beckoning for the monsieur to compliment her.
Pierre retreated back into the shadows, his blue eyes gleaming. His twisted smile showed his few teeth as he nodded to Veronica. She received the notion and looked around her, as if remembering something.
“What is it, my dear madam?” the monsieur questioned, his voice growing exceedingly apprehensive. He stuck his arm out and touched Veronica’s gloved hand. She looked startled and pulled away.
“Mon mari attend. My husband is waiting,” she sighed and glanced over her delicate shoulder. Of course, there was no lucky monsieur waiting to greet her with loving arms. Veronica only saw the desperate beggars upon the streets of Paris.
“Your husband?” the monsieur asked, startled. His face reddened and he held his hands behind his back. “Then I shall not keep you waiting!” He bowed and turned away, his face still maroon.
Veronica glanced into the shadows, trying to catch Pierre’s gleaming eyes. She met them and slightly nodded. The young rascal returned the gesture and scurried off into the darkness.
Veronica looked around the small plaza she was standing in. It was almost supper; not many men were out. They had walked gleefully into their homes and received a heartfelt supper. But not Veronica. She hadn’t had a heartfelt supper for quite a while now.
She turned and walked along the cobble-stoned path. Her feet made a small pat with every step she took, and she whistled quietly to herself. When she whistled, she could finally have freedom, or it felt like to her. Freedom to do what she wanted and not be lectured constantly by adults.
Veronica, a mere sixteen year old, could be found whistling to herself carelessly. There was always a sparkle present in her eye. The gleam would repel all horrible thoughts and horrible nightmares. Pierre, her younger brother, didn’t understand her ways. She was quite different from everyone else. Veronica never thought pessimistically about their current living situation.
Veronica looked behind her, reassuring herself that she was alone. Her heart began throbbing; her pulse rushing. It is the dark, she reminded herself. It is only the dark. There's no one behind me. I am alone.
Taking another glance, she was startled. Almost screaming out of fright, she beheld a little boy, dressed in ragged clothes. His short hair had been cut fiercely with a razorblade. Dirt was powdered across his frail face, and his eyes gleamed in the moonlight – just like his sister’s.
“Pierre! Don’t 'Ou scare me like that ever again!” she whispered and the boy laughed gleefully. He approached her with the fat wallet in his hand. The twisted smile was playing upon his filthy face.
“’Ow much did we earn?” Veronica asked, her eyes scrutinizing the bulging wallet. There couldn’t have been more than twenty francs in there…
“Thirty-three. I counted ‘em twice. And don’t you go rattling on about me not being able to count ‘em right. ‘Cause I did,” Pierre argued scornfully.
Veronica couldn’t keep her face straight any longer. A wide grin slowly etched its way across her freckled face. She pushed her long, red hair back – a common annoyance.
“Let me see, then.”
“Not ‘ere! Back at the ‘ouse.”
The two siblings slowly made their way through the shadows, caressing the wallet happily. Greedily, Veronica pondered on what she could purchase with such money. A beautiful necklace; a pair of stockings; a haircut; a loaf of bread! The list extended until her stomach growled. Pierre overheard.
“’Ave you not eaten anyfink today? Ver, you’ve got to. Stop giving it all to me. You’ve got to eat.”
“I eat… sometimes,” she retorted quietly. “It’s just I’m not all that hungry.” Even though she seemed confident, Pierre raised his eyebrow.
“Ver, please. We can get some food with that money tomorrow. It’s what we need, isn’t it?” Pierre asked. The gleam was still shining brightly in his eyes.
“Yes, I suppose…”
“Good,” Pierre said. “’Ere we are.” They approached their living space – no more than an abandoned shop that had been used only God knew when. It was ruins by now, of course, as it had been when they had settled in. The French Revolution had destroyed many buildings, and lost many lives. Two of them included their parents.
Sitting down, she wrapped herself up tightly in her frail clothing as Pierre did. The two nestled together and hugged each other.
“We’ll be alright. I know it,” Pierre whispered. Sighing, Veronica looked into his eyes.
“How do you know?”
“I… I just do, I suppose. Ver, do you know where our parents are?”
There was a long silence as the two children gazed up through the roof. Stars shined overhead – not covered by thick clouds anymore.
“Yes. They are in Heaven, just like we will be.”
“How do you know?” Pierre continued to look at the stars.
“I don’t know… I just do.”
“You see? That’s how I know we’ll be all right. They are watching over us, up there.”
“Who is?”
“The stars, of course! You see, every one of them has a person to look over.” Pierre smiled as he continued his fantasy. “Mine is over there!” He pointed to the countless stars. “You just have to find yours. Once you do, you’ll know that everything will turn out all right.”
“Hmm… I suppose you’re right, Pierre,” Veronica sighed regretfully. Her eyes made their way back down to Pierre’s bright face. “But how do I know when I find my star?”
There was another moment’s pause.
“You just do.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, there! Someone mentioned this, so I thought I'd take a peek. ^^
I may repeat things people have said. I never know if the post is edited or not. I apologize ahead of time if I do, though! I rip, tear, and smile the whole time!
Haha, that's one word! Passersby!
The second part of this sentence can't stand on its own, so there shouldn't be a semi. A comma can work though!
Assuming that's you with the y chopped off, 'ou shouldn't be capitalized.
Conjunctives like and get a comma if there's a subject and verb on both sides of it. For instance: The French Revolution destroyed many buildings and it lost many lives. This would be acceptable. Your sentence has no subject on the second half of the sentence, so it don't get no comma.
Aww, that was so sweet! ^^
Your writing is remarkable! Bravo on your grammar! I hardly picked out anything!
I was confused only by the ages of the characters. Veronica seems to be older, maybe in her twenties, seeing as some man was hitting on her earlier? And Pierre must be preteens-ish? But Pierre seems to be older than he really is at some points.. I dunno, just a little confusing there.
That's the only problem I saw, though. I didn't really spot a plot, if there is one here. I wonder where it will be going. This is great, though. Good job!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Firestarter,
Thank you so much for the review. It's really encouraging! I agree with you. The English accent doesn't really make much sense if it's in Paris... haha. But thanks.
Firearris,
Thank you again for critiquing this. It means a lot to me!!! I'll go through and make those corrections.
Thank all of you again.
:Sythe:
Hi Sythe! If you've already made a topic in the welcome forums, I'll get to that right after this crit, if not, then I suggest you make one!
Welcome to YWS, I'm Fire, Arris, FA, Firearris, you you can make up a name. Now on with the crit! 
Hmm, I like how you really use words like "Monsieur" and "Madam", I've read lots of things based in places like France, but there were hardly any French words in it. Oh, and I believe its feverishly.XD Poor guy!
Hmm, I don't think the ""'Ere we are."" is needed, I'm sure the girl knows her own "home" when she sees it.
Sorry for the giant quote.
My Likes:
I like the idea you have here.
My Dislikes:
Well, the only thing that is on my dislike side, is the beginning of this piece, it just doesn't seem as good as the second half. The First half, isn't as interesting, it doesn't catch the eye; I'm not sure how to fix this...sorry.
Overall:
You did really good with this piece, the only thing that I didn't like was was a just mentioned, the first part, but It wasn't that bad, just a little.
Good luck, PM me if you want any crits, or if you don't understand anything, or want help on fixing something, or whatever!
Hey Sythe! I liked this opening and I'm eager for more.
Some things:
Unneccesary adverb. Take out anxiously -- the verb "twitched" is much stronger on its own. Remember: strong verbs are always better than adverbs, which make sentences weak.
Not sure about this sentence -- it sounds a bit odd. Maybe rephrase to "Tall men hurried about their business, concealing his small figure in the shadows." or something similar.
Feverously is an interesting adverb, but I think a way to strengthen this sentence would be to remove the adverb and thing of a better verb for smiled.
Very cliche. Eyes never really gleam, unless somebody is wearing contact lenses, which are obviously anachronistic for this period. So I'd suggest removing the whole eye-gleaming thing, because it's a bit weird.
See above!
You had a paragraph above it describing her whistling habits. So perhaps you should remove this or consume it into the description above it?
A general thing is your use of accents. Pierre seems to lapse into cockney (everyfink) every so often, which makes no sense, since he's French, and similarly Vernoica uses a french accent of english. I assume they are supposed to be talking French, in which case, I suggest dropping the accents. It detracts from the piece when you try and use English accents to show their speech, I feel.
I liked the ending. It sets up the conflict nicely, and I'm looking forward to seeing more. Keep writing!
Cat4Prowl,
Thank you! Your kind words have inspired me so much. I'll go back and see if I can change those edits. Thanks a lot! I'll get to critiquing something of yours really shortly.
:Sythe:
Hello! My comments are in bold! Then I'll get to the nice part where I compliment you.
Fantastic, I can't wait to see more of your work. *bows to your greatness*
Alainna,
Thank you so much for the critique! I owe you one now, and I'll get to it quickly! Thanks for the edits; they'll help me later on! I'll go back and edit it now. Thank you so very much. I've never received such nice compliments!
:Sythe:
Hi and welcome to YWS!
I enjoyed the style of your writing, the narrative was your strong point.
I think your comma is in the wrong place. Try moving it to after the word 'anxiously'.
Did you mean 'Passers-by'?
Should be 'current' instead of 'currently'.
Although you can say 'quicker' it doesn't sound quite right....it sounds a bit immature. Try using a different word. The second part of the sentence is nice though, you could even just use that.
I like the cockney accent, but try to match it up with the way she previously speaks. The first sentence sounds fairly posh or average and then she is suddenly very cockney.
Other Tips:
Keep your consistency in characters and the way they speak.
Don't hesitate to put in more description - the description you did have in there was really good.
Steer away from info dumping. This also relates to the idea of creating suspense. We don't have to know everything in the first chapter. Weave the facts in as you go along.
This is really good so far and I enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you post any more as I'd be happy to critique it.
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxx