Echidna (Chapter 1: The Jack-a-lope)

I think it was very well written- only a few nitpicking things.

"What are you doing out at this hour Serf?

The man in the clok chuckled softly.

You're that Grimstock kid." the man let out another soft laugh.

I mocking smile spread across the mans face.

A serf is usually means a servant or slave, a much more interesting alternative i think. Like instead of saying magician you could say mage, magi or warlock.

#8000BF ">Hey, I'm Gen. I'm going to review your work. Although you did a really good joy in your editing, I found a few typo's and have included them in my nit-picking.

The only people he knew personal were denizens of the manner.

Where did you get that rabbit, people would ask.

He had explored the whole estate, even the places he was forbidden to go #00BF80 ">(except Lord Grabble's manor).

Deizel, who had stationed himself in anticipation for just this thing, #00BF80 ">started for it shortly after it sprang.

Any professional hunter would know that in no way could a man, or a teenage boy, on foot#FF0000 ">, catch a healthy young rabbit, with only his bare hands.

Perhaps Deizel understood this, but he did this anyway, always #00BF80 ">hoping against common sense.

Deizel ran with his back hunched, ducking and turning past #00BF80 ">limbs and doing his best to avoid stumbling on obstacles that could be found on the forest floor.

It began with the niches in his parent's house, and when he went outside, he would go off in #FF0000 ">any area he hadn't been or seen before.

Syte wrote:((AUTHOR'S NOTE: I started on this project in the late of this morning, discarding my other projects. Now that I've introduced some structure in my life, I'm hoping that I'll be able to submit a chapter of this book each day on YWS. In a since, this is like a serial. I always thought it would be interesting to write a serial, and now I get the chance, in a sense. Heh.
-Syte))

Deizel brushed a tree limb aside as he made his way through the path of the manor wood. He wasn't allowed to be here because he was a serf, and this was his lord's own personal woods, not to be used by any baseborns without a permit. But Deizel knew how to sneak in, and he had done so on more than several occasions, without being caught. (some people may not know who/what a serf is. thank goodness for 7th grade social studies)

He had not told this to anyone he knew. The only people he knew personal (personally) were denizens (the who?) of the manner (manor). Very few Serfs ever left the lord's estate, and those that did, (no comma needed) came straight back, because they were only allowed to leave with the lord's consent to perform some errand of his. These (who?) were the lord's messangers.

Deizel was no messanger, nor where (were) his parents, or any relative of his. His entire family lived on Lord Grabble's estate.

Deizel's keen ears heard a rustling in a nearby bush. His sharp eyes peered through the foliage. What he saw was an antler the size of a large twig protruding from the leaves. The bush shook again, emitting the sound of more rustling leaves.

Crouching like a lion cub, making his way towards the bush with the feet of a burglar, Deizel thought (";") I have you now, Jack-a-lope.

Deizel had been pursuing the mythical rabbit for several months now. This was the only one of it's kind that Deizel had found, and only in Lord's Wood. He had not once captured it, and he only pursued it for the sake of sport.

Deizel did not know what he would do if he ever caught the agile creature. The notion only crossed his mind seldomly (misspelled according to google chrome). He had no interest in killing it, especially considering that it was a rare creature. And showing the Jack-a-lope as a trophy would only lead to trouble. People would become suspicious.

Where did you get that rabbit, people would ask. There was only one place in the whole estate the Jack-a-lope could be found. Deizel knew. He had explored the whole estate, even the places he was forbidden to go (except Lord Grabble's manor). (try not to use "()" much)

The small, tawny creature sprang from the bush.

Deizel, who had stationed himself in anticipation for just this thing, started for it shortly after it sprang.

Any professional hunter would know that in no way could a man, or a teenage boy, on foot catch a healthy young rabbit, with only his bare hands. Perhaps Deizel understood this, but he did this anyway, always hoping against common sense.

Deizel ran with his back hunched, ducking and turning past limbs and doing his best to avoid stumbling on obstacles that could be found on the forest floor.

Despite his good dexterity, Deizel stubbed his toe on something. It may have been a rock, or perhaps the root of a tree. He gritted his teeth and pushed himself on. His quarry (not sure if this is the right use of the word) was already outdistancing him.

Deizel speed up the chase. His reflexes and prowess of awareness, however, did not par up with the challange of running through a clustered forest and a high speed chase. He tripped on something and fell face down in the dirt.

He held up his face and watched as the mythical rabbit, maybe even one of a kind, retreated into his warren hole.

Though disappointed at losing the pursuit, Deizel was used to this sort of thing, and quickly shrugged it off in good humor. He stood up, wiping dirt and small twigs off his clothes.

There were many shadows in these woods, since it was very clustered. Deizel, who usually came here during the afternoon, sensed that it was getting dimmer. It must be evening already, Deizel figured.

Deizel tucked his hands into the pockets of his frayed linen pants, and whisteled as he casually made for the unguarded perimeter of the Lord's Wood.

From an early age, he had had the heart of an explorer. Since he could walk, he explored. He had natural wonderlust and curiousity. It began with the niches in his parent's house, and when he went outside, he would go off in any area he hadn't been or seen before. During his childhood, he didn't understand why so many people became upset over his curiousity.

"Ask me before you set off," his mother would tell him. So he began asking her, and she would almost always respond with a "No, you can't go there." So Deizel stopped asking, and explored the estate anyway. When he was caught, he was scolded. But the scoldings got less and less severe over time, as his family grew to understand Deizel's unabiding curiousity.

"You're curiousity will get you in trouble one of these days," his mother and father told him. He would grow to learn that this was sometimes the case.

At the back of Lord Grabble's manor was a valley and a series of inconvenient hills. Deizel would have to make his way past ("over" be a better word) may these hills, and into a small and often unoccupied yard in the manor. He would then proceed to climb the fence after making sure that no one was around to see him. Climbing up and making his way down the fence often took a few minutes, so it was always a little risky.

After half an hour of hiking past hills and valley trees, Deizle made it to the secluded yard. The gate was open at this hour, so he suspected that some of the lord's men were out hunting. Out of habit of caution, he checked if the yard was occupied. Although it was dusk, Deizel didn't see any signs of anyone occupying it. He made for the other side of the fence.

Out of the dark, a hand suddenly planted itself on Deizel's shoulder. He started and turned around. What he saw was a man in a gray cloak. Although he was wearing a cowl, Deizel saw that he looked as though he was approaching middle-age. His face was creased, and he had a short bristly black beard. Deizel couldn't see the color of the man's eyes. The man grunted stoicly.

"What are you doing out at this hour Serf? Where's your permit?"

For a while Deizel averted looking at the man.

"I-I left it. I mean I dropped it in the woods."

The man grunted again. Deizel tried to extricated himself from the man's iron grip, and although he succeeded, as he scrambled up the fence, the man in the cloak locked his arms around the young man's toso and pulled him to the ground.

Being held aloft, Deizel's limbs flailed in the hair. He let out an unintentional yelp.

The man in the clok chuckled softly.

"Now I'm quite your sure you're meddling. I think I've heard of you. You're that Grimstock kid." the man let out another soft laugh.

"Say you dropped your pass on the way out, did you? Very well, let's have Lord Grabble resolve this. He's a very cordial man. Trust me." I mocking smile spread across the mans face.