Okay, so my friend wrote this and wants critique on this. I think I will be putting a lot of her work on here since she doesn't have internet. Please review it and say what you really think of it!
I walked into my house. The rush of cold air greeted me as i opened the door. I was grateful for this greeting. Shutting the door behind me i went to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. Doing yard work really tired me out and i needed hydration. The cold water quenched my thirst as i drank. I continued to drink as i headed to the living room. Setting the water on my coffee table, i slumped in my recliner. Oh the relief of not being on my feet anymore. I grabbed the remote and turned on the television. If flipping channels were an exercise i would be ripped. I finally settled with watching the news. All the news had on lately was a bunch of politics and ranting. After allowing myself to cool down for about 30 minutes and hearing the same story over and over, i decided to take a shower. I headed to my bedroom and looked out the window. 'Its dark already?' I walked far enough to see a good view of my clock. It read 8:45 pm. 'Okay, maybe not already. I guess the time got away from me' i laughed to myself and proceeded to the bathroom. After the much needed shower i wrapped a towel around myself and went back to my room. I rummaged through my drawers and found the pajamas i wanted. I turned around. Taking a few steps forward i looked back over my shoulder. 'Hmmm.... it is NEW... and it guarantees to be comfortable even while sleeping.' i contemplated before grabbing the Wamba Bra from the drawer and closed the curtains covering the window. 'Dont want any peeping toms.' Fully dressed in a large shirt and sweatpants i went back to the living room. "Sources indicate that thes-" i rolled my eyes and changed the channel. I settled on Mythbusters until the episode ended. Going back to the news was not of any desire but nothing else was on. I groaned as i hit Select. A ringing filled the house. I got up and grabbed the phone. "Hello?" "you better watch yourself tonight" "Who is th-" The dial tone rang in my ears. I looked at the phone in my hands and shuddered. It was a man's voice, it was low and rumbled. I furrowed my brow and put the phone back. "I'll be fine" i assured myself and nodded. But my heart pounded in my chest. I finally brought my attention back to the Tv. The News was not helping with my newly found paranoia. I turned the Tv off along with the rest of the lights. I went to my room and switched the light off. Shutting the door and locking it, just in case. Maneuvering my way through the dark all i felt was the cold of the floor. I reached my arms out and waved them in front of me. The feeling of fabric grazed my fingertips. My heart jumped in my throat before i remembered the texture of my comforter. I breathed a sigh of relief and got into the bed. I pulled the chain and the lamp came on. The light helped calm my nerves. I pulled a book out from the nightstand drawer and began to read. The story sucked me in as i pictured the setting and the characters interacting. I laughed to myself as a part in the book struck my fancy. 'Its amazing how people can come up with this stuff.' After reading a good amount i shut the book. A yawn escaped as i placed it back in its drawer. The AC kicked on and i shivered. I was glad that it was cold but maybe it worked a little too well. I turned the lamp off and got under the covers. warmth spread through my chilled limbs. My eyelids grew heavy as the comfort of my bed set in. I glanced over at my nightstand. 10:45pm. I turned back over. With my weekend ending i had to return to work the next day. 'If i dont get a promotion soon im gonna throttle Jared.' With that happy thought my eyes closed and i sank into a deep sleep.
The wood floor creaked. I slowly opened my eyes. With eyesight still blurred i tried to focus on my clock. 3:22am. A tired smile spread on my face 'Yay, I still have time to sleep' I gladly closed my eyes again. I jolted awake as I heard a sound like glass breaking. 'I dont have any pets, children or significant other... So what did that come from?' i thought. I stared into the darkness around my room. My eyes locked on the black rectangle being my door. I narrowed my eyes and pulled the lamp's chain. The light did not come on. "Huh?" i furrowed my brow at the lamp. Pulling the chain four more times before giving up. I got up and walked towards the door. Footsteps were heard and i dove back to my bed. 'Somebody's in my house! What do i do!?' the phone was in the kitchen. In order to get there i would have to go down the hallway. 'I need to call the police.' I went to get up again. The footsteps sounded like they were just outside the door. 'Thank God i locked the door.' the doorknob twisted frantically. My mouth felt dry. 'It- its fine... the doors locked.' at that thought a weight slammed into the door and i jumped. My imagination ran wild, unable to pinpoint an idea. I decided on making it to my closet. Tiptoeing slowly i made for the closet door. The door was slammed into again. My heartbeat filled my ears. I moved faster to the closet and went in. I shut the door after me and proceeded to hide behind the clothes. Getting into the very corner i got behind some long dresses and covered the front of my feet with the shoes. I played hide and seek a few times in my life, this trick kept them from finding me. Hopefully it will work this time too. The door was slammed into again and again. With a sound of wood breaking, feet stumbled in. I held my breath and my brain silenced. My heart was beating so loud that i swore he would have been able to hear it. The footsteps grew farther away. A sound of material being ripped away and the feet froze. A frustrated growl was heard. The sound made me frantic 'What do i do!?' that thought quickly repeated over and over. The footsteps grew farther. I huddled myself into a ball and wrapped my arms around my legs. The footsteps came closer and closer. I cringed 'Please no, please no, please no.' the closet door was flung open. I stifled a cry. My limbs turned to ice. Through a space between the dresses a man stood, Big and burly. On the news they were talking about a man with this stature. My brain rushed through the memory but i could not remember why he was on there. 'Damnit, why didnt i pay attention!?' my thoughts froze along with my body. The man began pushing clothes out of the way. I tried to stop my breathing from quickening but it was no use. I was panicking. Closer and closer until he got to the dresses. I squeezed my eyes shut before peeking. He got to the dresses and pushed them away. He looked down at me. My heart slammed into my rib cage. I looked at the man and the small opening. In a split second i leaped out the opening, past the man and ran. I ran down the hallway and into the living room. I went for the front door and pulled the handle. 'Locked!?' i looked for the key in my hiding areas but could not find it. His footsteps grew louder. I ran and looked for the phone. The footsteps stopped and i looked up. He stood in the living room entrance way. Moonlight from the window lit half his face. Dark hair and steely eyes. I finally remembered why he was on the news. It was only a sketch they showed of his face. The man was known for strangling women. My eyes widened from the memory. He walked towards me slowly. I bolted away, heading for the garage. I got to the door and pulled 'Locked again!?!?' my fingers felt numb from panic. As i turned around i saw the man only standing a few steps away. He blocked the exit. There was no more running. No more hiding. My breath quickened with my heart. Quick as lightning he lunged. A large hand grabbed my throat. My head slammed into the door. My feet were no longer on the ground. His hands squeezed, cutting off my air. I gasped, trying to breathe. I clawed his hands, his arms, his face. The grip only tightened. My throat made a squeaking noise as i tried to breathe. I remembered the threat from earlier 'you better watch yourself tonight.' "...Damnit.." i squeaked out. My lungs felt like they were on fire. Black splotches filled my eyesight. 'I. Need. Air.' the feeling was excruciating, my lungs felt fit to burst. He shook me, slamming me into the door. Pain spread through my back and my head. It was all too much. My neck felt like a twig about to snap. darkness spread over my sight, pulling me in. I tried to take in a last breath with no avail. The last thing i saw was a smile spread on the man's face.
I actually quite liked it, but it was really hard to read.
So much it gave me a headache just trying, paragraphs need to be separated.
I liked the suspense, I was on the edge of my chair once I really got into it. Despite the fact it's hard to read, it was well put together and it had a lot of thought. It wasn't really scary though....frankly I don't think it belongs in the horror genre.
Maybe in Mystery/Suspense?
There weren't really any grammar issues, maybe except in the last paragraph. It's 'Dammit'
but that's no big deal. There we're a lot of punctual issues, I suggest you go through there and check it out maybe correct some of the issues.
Overall it was really good, I enjoyed it. On a scale of 1-10 it's an 7
My head still really hurts from reading it, so please fix that. It's all clumped together the words and sentences need to be broken apart into paragraphs.
Still good job,It deserves a like. Keep up the good work, maybe do a little studying on punctuation. That's about it.
Thumbs Up!
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader
I'm afraid I found this difficult to read. It's all one block, this would be easier on the eye if broken into paragraphs. I seriously tried to read it once before but just couldn't get through it. The other thing about having one block is that I kept losing my place. This would be vastly improved by adding paragraphs, it's that simple.
Grammatically, there's nothing wrong with this and the storyline is good as well for a starting point though I personally feel it could be extended. That would add the suspense your friend was after. If there was to be a rewrite then maybe don't kill off the MC? The MC was killed off right? It seems that way.
I won't go on at you about the simple sentences, that's already been pointed out. Try adding commas and connectives to vary sentences.
Okay. I'll stop moaning now, it was a first attempt after all. Like I say, you have a great foundation for a story but it needs a little tweaking here and there. I like the voice of the MC and I did get a feeling of tension when the MC was hiding in the closet. I think it's promising. I have read worse!
I would love to review more of your friend's work to see how (s)he improves.
The only way is up!! Good luck to your friend.
I found this to be a pretty cool piece, there wasn't much that I found wrong other than one thing really. You use a lot of simple sentences that would sound better as compound sentences. Also the part concerning the footsteps was a little confusing when it said that they got further away, then closer. And also it could use some more detail in the beginning half of the the story. The bottom half has a nice amount when she describes being choked but other than that it was a pretty cool story.
Id say this story scared me which is a good thing. It was perfect for me because I'm going to be home alone for the first time for five whole days. So it added to the chills it gave me. Except for a few spelling and grammatical errors I liked the story and the description. You should try perhaps breaking it up in paragraphs. Edit it to perfection. I like stories in the suspense category. The scarier the better. Tell your friend to keep up the good work.